This is my first post on this website, but I know I’ll end up coming back here.
I never thought that I would end up on a site like this, struggling with my identity and hurting myself physically and mentally. I feel dirty and shameful and hypocritical. I always tell my friends and anyone who will listen to never never EVER hurt yourself, that it’s a horrible thing to do and that people love them, but when I do it, it becomes something else. I don’t want anyone to know. It’s my secret.
And I don’t want to stop.
I don’t know if I would really say I’m suicidal. I think about death a lot, I think about HOW I could end it-but I know that I would never follow through with it. I just have so many things I want to do in my life. I know that at some point, if I don’t pick myself up and turn myself around right now, then it will/might consume me; I might never even get to my bucket list. I will try though. I want to learn French and German and visit Czech where my grandfather lived.
I guess that’s my motivation to get better, because I sure as hell won’t be getting any support from anyone else. I know that I can’t expect people to automatically know what’s going on with me, but even with trivial things that happen with me, I have no one to talk with and no one to go to. How could I tell everyone at my Roman Catholic school that I might be interested in girls as well as boys? I mean, how could I tell anyone in my family? My mom is weak, my dad would disown me, my older sister is leaving, my older brother is a homophobe, my little brother and sister wouldn’t understand, my entire family and all my friends are religious. Not everyone is homophobic, but how can I chance it? The consequences of taking that risk are just to scary. And so here I am: lonely, afraid, hurting.
I’m a walking time bomb, but I don’t know when I’ll go off. I have too many emotions. I’ve already had one emotional breakdown a few months ago, and I can feel another one coming on. I just can’t keep bottling this up, and the release from cutting just..isn’t always enough anymore.
Breathe Me by Sia is basically the top song in my life soundtrack right now. Maybe another time, I’ll put my whole soundtrack up.