So. There is nothing holding me back. There is no one who loves me, no one who cares about me. The last one who existed on this earth, my father, got run over by a truck a year ago next month. I am a single woman in my 40’s who grew up in an abusive household and will never have a mate or children or a loving home. I want to die more than anything in this world. Each night i lie sobbing on the floor, pulling the side of one hand down the wrist of the other, feeling the cool, smooth sensation of a blade, imagining being tipsy in a warm, steamy bath, my eyes closing, the tub filling with blood, getting more and more sleepy, on my way home, at last, forever. Peace. It is a scene that runs over and over through my mind, night and day, on a non-stop conveyor belt. And what would be the problem? The whole point is that I am totally alone. I have no one to love, no life, nothing to live for, no joy ahead of me, no pleasures, no navigable future. I am completely and utterly alone, that’s WHY I NEED TO DIE!
The problem: Every ten minutes, one of my two dogs would be popping their little heads in, wide-eyed, as if to say, “What is this? New game?” I cannot leave them behind with no one to care for them, and they are un-adoptable due to the fact that they each have a myriad of exhorbitant and time-consuming health issues. I have no friends or family to take them in (see Why I Want to Kill Myself, above). If I died, they’d be in a shelter and euthanized within a week. I can’t deal with the guilt.
And yet, they don’t provide me with NEARLY the amount of emotional sustenance (love, care, talk, support, HUMAN CONTACT) that I need to survive and stay alive, either. So I find myself actually RESENTING them sometimes. For keeping me here. For being the only two beings in the world who actually need me. I wish they would release me. What if there was an accident that wasn’t my fault? It would provide two purposes: It would both set me free, and give me the grief to push me over the edge to ensure without a doubt I’d complete my wish.
Is there anyone out there who understands? What have you done? I’ve heard of people who have committed murder-suicides with their families, but i cannot imagine doing that with innocent animals. I am not built that way. I have a heart; and it is broken, and dying a little more each day; and that is why I want to stop it beating once and for all.
Dear god, what can I do? I am sorry for writing so long. But please…. if you have read this far, please help. Do you have any ideas? I have money I can give to someone who will take my babies, money that will pay for their healthcare until they die. But no one I can trust not to spend it on something else and just give them away, or abuse them instead.
I am the only one they can trust.
But i have no one in this world to trust.
And that is why I need to leave it.
How can I go?
7 comments
To be honest, I sometimes with that I had a dog in order to give me some purpose. I love animals… and they provide unconditional love. At 40, it’s sometimes difficult to find the particular reason that I remain here. I am really glad that you have your pets.. and I’m quite appreciative that you value their needs and welfare… perhaps more than you’re own. I know what it’s like to not have that HUMAN CONTACT… That’s a day in the life. No family, no friends. I am surrounded by people but I’m on an island. But I tell myself to keep trying… Right now, it’s a bit hard… I’m relying on faith or something I’m not certain about. I’m looking deep inside of me for my purpose… for the things I want to do… and for the way to get there. Perhaps you can do the same… You are the lifeline to not only your pets, but to yourself. What do you want to do? What are your hopes… or… What were your hopes? It’s not too late. I know deep down that there is still time… and I know there is time for you as well. Holes, in time, can be undug… Sometimes it takes hitting rockbottom to prevent you from sliding any further. Then, the only way to go is up.
I haven’t been here too long… but many people here are quite supportive and walk in similar shoes. People will listen… and help the best they can. I’ve learned that I’m not alone. You’re not alone either.
edit: *your own…
Normally, I’d blame predictive text on my mobile… but I’m on an actual keyboard.
Normally I’d agree with you. I got my first dog after i first tried to kill myself, many years ago, as a prevention mechanism, as you say. But after two tecades nothing has changed. None of the things I hoped for ever came true. Nothing I worked for ever came to fruition. And I worked my ass off. Therapy, meds, pets, you name it. But I ‘ve never found love or meaning. Thank you for the encouragement. I just feel like the my boys aren’t enough anymore. My drive to go is stronger than what they can give me. And I need a way out of the trap. I wish you the best. It sounds like you are trying to stay strong.
Perhaps you are still the way out of the trap… I’ve worked my butt off, too… and I’ve realized that maybe there were other things I should have worked on instead. It’s possible to work and work and work… and get nowhere. Sometimes a course correction becomes necessary. I understand that your drive to go is outweighing everything else at the moment. Perhaps, when you have a moment to catch your breath, take stock of what you do have. My world has some dark clouds… and that’s the understatement of 2012… but I could probably dig deep for an occasional peek of sun. Perhaps you could find some sun, too. I’m working on staying strong… There are some battles on that front… but it’s an attempt in progress. If I can be of any help or support, I’m here for you.
I am here for you also. Your dogs would be so alone without you even if they went to a good family. Please stay at least for them. If you would like to talk I am here for you.
I believe that animals are the greatest companion that a person could have. They don’t judge you by how you look, dress, think; they don’t want materialistic things out of you…they just love you. Unfortunately, they would be very hurt if you were to leave them, because they love you and look at you as the caregiver. And they probably won’t be able to build up the same relationship with someone else as they have with you. I know, it is VERY hard continuing to live in this corrupt world, but for the sake of your pups, who are innocent and only want the love that they give returned to them, I think it’d be best for you to try and stay strong.
I want to thank you all for your kind responses. And say that I hope everyone is hanging in and staying strong. Because I came out of the other end of the tunnel, and my dogs are fine – and so am I. I went to the hospital and I got help. I had a dogsitter look after my fur-kids and checked in before I did any harm to myself. And it saved my life, which I am now so glad to be living. I want to tell everyone out there, support each other, love each other – but also get outside help if you possibly can. I don’t have great insurance, and I will have a hefty bill – but what price is my own life worth?
It is so amazing to me, looking back, what a diseased brain can make you think. And depression, which I have, is a disease, and I was having a serious episode. I was very, very sick, and I wasn’t me. This is so dangerous, because at the time, of course you don’t know. But what you CAN do is reach out. I guess that’s what this website is all about. And I hope it helps everyone. It helped me, because it encouraged me to take the next step – reaching out even more, getting even more help.
I’m here to tell you that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope. I’m here, and so thankful. There is a poem we read in the hospital that said it all for me; I hope it speaks to some of you:
Wild Geese – by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
It’s true. No matter how lonely you are, you belong here. Stay.