My19 year old life hasn’t exactly been as “great” as it is right now. This is extremely long, but I’ve finally found a place where I can just let it all out. Thank you to those who read it.
It all started with being raped for 7 years of my life. I didn’t know what was happening or why it had to be a secret. But eventually with age I figured it out. I spent a good chunk of my life afraid. Afraid to be alone with any boys and afraid to get close to them too. I found out that I was chosen because I was “pretty”. So desperate to get away I made myself ugly. I used to be thin, do my hair, and dress nicely. I was so desperate to get away that I acted like a boy to scare him off or cause a loss of interest in me. And now that fear is gone, but I’m still ugly. I cannot even begin to tell you what I’d give to have my self esteem back. I’d give anything. Even my life.
And being neglected by my parents for most of it also. My youngest sister was a “surprise” in a bad time of my parent’s marriage. They eventually got over it but when she was little she was really just a reminder to them of what they had went through. So as she got older they felt guilty. They did everything for her and I mean everything. Whatever she wanted. My brother and I were left to share the remaining couple hours of the day that my parents had left. Yes, I am the middle child. Yes, being the middle child is awful. Because my sister was so spoiled she refused to achieve academically, and my brother older than I had harder things to deal with in school I was left to fend for myself. I was the “independent” one. But one can only be independent for so long when they’re between the age of 6-12. By the time I was 12 years old I had given up on my parents giving me any attention whatsoever. Do we get a long now? Not really. My dad thinks I’m a *****, witch, and a house maid for the entire family. My mom only has time for me when she wants to have time for me. They’re the parents that buy you what you want just to shut you up. And just so you know, I still get silenced a lot. And I hate it.
My relationships with people never last. I so desperately want to be close to my sister. But she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I wish I could hug my dad. I wish it so so much. I hate that when we’re together we’re like strangers. Like I’m not even half of him. I wish my mom would spend one on one time with me. And actually listen to me when I try to talk to her and not blame everything on me even when I’m not relevant to what’s going on. I wish I would have never changed schools my sophomore year. I transferred for fakes. For people I thought would be my friends for my remaining years in high school. Just so they can come and desert me. And on top of that keep the entire senior student body from talking to me and started rumors about me. Those “friends” of mine made sure I had none. And to this day my “best friend” of that group still “doesn’t know why we aren’t friends anymore.” She knows exactly why.
As far as boyfriends go. My first boyfriend was abusive because I wouldn’t “put out”. We all know what that means so I’m refusing to go into detail. My second one played me like board game. We were off and on for almost two years. I was stupid and thought I was in love. And every time he broke my heart I found myself waiting and hoping that he would come back and say he loved me again. It got to the point where I gave up and he did it one last time and I haven’t spoken to that bastard since. My third was a swine. He was a horny bastard that let me know that’s what he wanted on a daily basis by rubbing it all over my leg. Today I finally know why I dated him. I was so devastated by boyfriend number 2 that I felt I NEEDED to be in a relationship with someone. My fourth was my best friend. We lasted for about a week before we realized that it was very awkward and the kissing thing was a bit weird for us. I miss him. And I wish he knew how sorry and stupid I was. I miss my best friend.
Boyfriend number five. I’ve been with him for almost 2 1/2 years now. But I’m beginning to think it’s falling apart. I used to have a really bad drug problem in my early years of high school. I didn’t do anything intense like meth but I did my fair share of the “safer” ones. When we got together we decided to stay clean. We both broke that promise once each. When we first got together I was a little tough. Due to my past I would think that he would understand that, but now he just uses it against me. “you used to do that to me” he says. But I’ve already apologized for it. And now he’s more interested in his other gal friend than he is with me. My only request was that he didn’t get too close but apparently that was something I have to “deal with”. But when it was he in my shoes it was a different story. Boyfriend number 4 and I were still best friends at the time that boyfriend number 5 and I started dating. Well, they both hated each other. So I was given the ultimatum between the two. And all I can say is I miss my best friend. It’s almost been a year since I’ve heard from him. It hurts me that he refuses to compromise with me. It just makes it harder for me because it’s like he wants her to be around because she’s special or something. He doesn’t understand, I don’t think he’ll ever understand. I’m not sure he wants to.
Boyfriend number five isn’t the same anymore. He’s hit me on a couple occasions and even triggered a flash back from when I was raped. He’s become very demanding and shows no remorse for when he really hurts me or makes me cry. He lies to me. He used to be so honest with me but now all of a sudden he lies all the time. We hardly talk about anything anymore and I’m starting to feel like we’re strangers. And the worst part is that I am so deeply in love with him. But it’s so hard to tell if the feelings are mutual. I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose what we had. I want it back more than anything. I miss telling him about my feelings and he actually listened. Like he used to with no distractions like computer games or youtube. I miss feeling safe when I’m around him. Lately I’ve felt so distant I feel almost shy and nervous around him. I miss talking to him. Staying on the phone for hours talking about anything and everything. If I ever was down or upset about something at home he was so comforting and gentle. Like just telling him made all the hurt melt away. But now he just gets mad at me or lashes back saying that I think this or that when I really didn’t say anything like that. I miss the way he used to look at me. With these eyes so full of love. We used to sit there and just gaze into each others eyes. Now it seems like we can hardly stand to look at each other…
The major positive things in my life are I got hired as an intern at two locations doing what I love (digital media). And one of the locations is planning on hiring me and the pay is so awesome I almost choked when he told me. I made some new friends that I love spending time with and one of them today called me her “best friend”. I fought back the tears. But even with all these wonderful things going on I’m not happy. I’m so torn up inside that it’s like these happy things come but fade instantly. Like sand in a sift. It’s only there temporarily. Ever since I was 14 I’ve wanted to die. And the ideas and thoughts about it are becoming almost daily. I hate telling people because then they freak out and think you’re crazy. I’ve attempted multiple times in my life. Even in the arms of my mother when I was 15. I sit here with such little hope. But I refuse to let it go. My life hasn’t been the greatest but I know that one day everything I want and more will be mine. “God can dream a bigger dream for you.” My dream is to be happy. Nothing else.
3 comments
Well yea I guess you had some bad relationships, which sucks but most people do. I mean I guess some people are lucky enough that the first person they fall in love with ends up being the person they stay with forever. The rest of us though get heartbroken get fucked over and just have to keep going hoping we find someone we have a strong enough connection with to stay with forever. Well or we give up and decide its better to be alone.
As far as self esteem, sounds like you have a job where someone thinks you are good enough at doing something you love doing that you are worth paying a lot of money to. Don’t you get a boost to your self esteem from that?
you’ve come a long way. you’ll get through this
just reading your post,you sound like a really nice, smart person. i’m so happy for you that you got the job.:) I think it’s about finding your self worth again,you know? have you had any therapy about the abuse? i’m so sorry that happened to you.:( my best friend was abused as a child too,and she had a really hard time dealing with it. she repressed it and then it resurfaced as nightmares until she remembered. but she’s a beautiful smart wonderful human being today,and she got through it. you can too,okay? i know it;s so painful,and you feel broken and like theres something wrong with you,but you have to realize there is nothing wrong with you,there is something wrong with the SOB’s that hurt you. I don’t know if your religious,but I hope you find strength in God and learn to see yourself like he does,and realize your beautiful. my friend went to therapy and it helped her cope and she’s doing great now. also-noone deserves to be hit by anyone EVER no matter what the reason is.if a guy ever touched me in a violent way or raised his fist at me I would leave him instantly. you deserve so much better than that okay? hang in there,i’m here if you want to talk. but you have to learn to see the wonderful things other people see in you,like your best friend. she loves you because i’m sure your awesome. k? just remember that.