My Crazy Story

I’ve been through a ton of things lately, right now I’m really depressed and I just wanna throw it out there since no one else will listen, I fucking hate where I’m at and I want to go back home I’m on the east side of the country and I belong on the west. Not gang related, just two different sides of the World and I belong on one, not in between, not on the East, but on the West. I messed up, I did drugs, I disrespected myself I disrespected the people I lived with when I lived in the West. I became manic bipolar, I became sane once again. I almost killed myself from how zombified the medicine made me, I wasn’t myself anymore, I wasn’t myself before. I wanted so badly to remember how I used to feel before it came to the point of mania, that I poured all the pills, maybe 100, maybe less, maybe more, poored them all in my hand, but never took them. 50 and some pounds heavier, I’m a hefty person on 11 horse pills to help a simple mental disability. But it wasn’t so simple, they hadn’t kept me in the hospital for 3 months for no reason. I was completely dillusional, drug induced bipolar mania , with a bit of schizophrenia in the mix. I thought I was Jesus, and the next I thought I was the Devil. But anyways, after the three months with pills to take , I gained so much weight from being depressed as well. Out of the hospital and I can barely move , I can barely smile I can’t do much, my life was just ripped out of my own hands and out of everything I ever had, I was all I had left; however, I felt as though I had left myself behind too. the doctor lowered the pills, and gradually I and others noticed improvement in my motor skills. To the point where I was finally left with two pills, I made the final move to completely rid myself of them. I was almost perfect, the person I was living with noticed I was coming back, I wasn’t acting so odd. But the depression I carried with me from which influenced me to do drugs in the first place, was still there. With what had just happened to me, as far as I had made it, from being completely crazy to completely sane, I was almost in shock. I didn’t want to do this anymore, and I haven’t mentioned because I wanted to get to it later, but this isn’t a novel, it’s my story, my mother was back West dealing with court because she was a drug dealer. I had gotten sent out to the East side to get help from my aunt, who had time to take care of me and keep in touch while I was in the hospital. Basically I lived with my grandparents and mother in the West, they noticed I was trippin , and sent me to the east.. so anyways, this depression was getting worse, and I think it’s what kept me from getting manic since I was not on any medication. I almost killed myself, but the thought of younger cousins finding me dead was not fair. So I decide to skip school, I didn’t want to see anyone anymore.  My aunt called this place called resolve, it’s for suicidal kids, and other kids / teens / adults with mental issues / family issues. You get to go there for 3 days, it’s like a break basically, from everything. You stay there until youre ready to leave..v So i go here, completely off of my pills, and I feel relaxed. Oh let me tell you, remember I said I gained 50 pounds, well as soon as I stopped taking those last two pills (remember I had to get weened off of 11, this story is bunched in over a course of 2 years) well, by this time I had lost 17 pounds.. and I was already feeling better than I had when I first started taking them. So I’m at resolve, this is a year after I first started taking pills for bipolar, this is months after I had completely stopped taking the pills all together, so yeah I’m at resolve, and they asked me why I was there, well because I was trying to skip school and I’m depressed blah blah. so there was a psychiatrist and I told him I think I need some sort of medicine, he said he wasn’t sure about that but he gave me lithium anyways. So I’m all geeked cause Lithium sounded pretty cool the way he described it . So I take it, and as I lay down to sleep in the room they assigned me, I started crying. But I was happy. I felt like the part of me that got left behind, the part of me I covered up with drugs and had an episode, the part of me that got destroyed by all them other pills, had just made her way and found herself back home in my body and heart mind and soul. It was as though I was on the outside looking in and now I finally made it back inside. I felt like I was at home, and not within the environment, but within myself if that makes sense. Long story short, I leave resolve with my lithium, I’m happy, and well it was hard, but  I lost that extra 30 pounds, nd now I’m happy with my weight , my attitude and my appearance. after resolve, I had one more manic episode because i wasn’t taking enough lithium, but I made it through that and am happier for that too. The thing is, my mom’s in prison and has been since, she has about 2 years left, equaling four years of not seeing her, which hurts enough. I miss the West side so much, and just the thought of how everything came to be is still over whelming. Being alive, not knowing why, hurts enough. Being alive, knowing that I made it through a really tough time and I came out completely okay, is fucking amazing, feels great, but still hurts enough. Everything right now. mentally, physically, hurts. I’m strong though, and nobody can put me down. I’m just waiting for someone to say something wrong about my mom so I can take my frustration out on their face lol, But I havent meant someone that mean so I guess I’m just gonna stay frustrated and sad you know we all got our moments. the whole reason I’m writing this is cause a guy fucked with my feelings hardcore, and well, it made me think of everything else I’ve been through. so heres my story everyone