first of all let me say i dont have problems in school im an A student i go to a good christian school even though im not christian .
i do have problems in life i have since i was 8 . the big drama’s started when i was 12/13 im (16)
my mother is a heavy Â heroine addict and hasn’t payed attention to me since i was born … when i was 8 i was taken into foster care and moved from place to place till i was 13 where i was put in a residential with 2 to 3 other girls where they decided to gang up on me they called me alot of harsh and cruel names i attemtped suicide every day and ended up in hospital and when i got out i would go again until they eventually put me in a mental health ward for a week … they perscribed me anti-deppresents but unfortunately they made me worse and i attempted suicide another way … aprt from my usual cutting and trying to hang myself i took 105 panadol and over dosed i was barely concious when i whent to the hospital i had given up on my life the reasons as to why that is .. one of my best friends at the time had been posing as a male for 6 months threatening me and my life and i got to a bad place and i found out it was her and she wasnt sorry and she told me im nothing and to go kill myself so i told her i would and thats how i ended up at the hospital fighting 5 nurses that were trying to save me eventually i got my stomache pumped and i was throwing up for 4 hours after that all i did was cut myself for a long time and i lived at that resedential for 2 years until i whent to live with my mum in sectember 2010 , everything was fine for a little while she would treat me like a princess then she changed she stopped feeding me and she stopped caring i admit i cryed out for her to care by coming home drunk and doing alot of illegal things i shouldnt of i just wanted my mum to love me . in january 2011 i lost my verginity not intentionally i was pressured and after that i thought i could find love by sleeping with guys and i felt special for a while but then it faded the next day for my whole year of being 15 i would sleep with guys and drink and take drugsÂ then i was sexually assalted on a few occasions and everything changed i couldnt talk to anyone became severly depressed isolated and i tryed suicide again it was like an addiction to meÂ and my mum came in one night and i was hanging myself in the closet and she just laughed at me and took photos i really never understood how she could be my mum and hate me so much … as im writting this today about two months ago i finally spoke up to my child safety officer and i moved away from her to live with my grandma it was so hard to do i had to start a new school when i hadnt been to school since grade 8 and i whent in to year 10Â my grandma loves me so much and has always helped me .. i had a few occasions when i wanted to cut myself but i didnt i have recently started feeling deppressed again and i have been drinking till i pass out for 3 days straight im staying at my friends near the place i used to live in for school holidays and i really dont know if i get drunk will i try to kill myself .. i say my life feels fake because i try to be this good girl but no one can see im faking it and that im in pain everyday i dont know what to do ….
talk to a close friend or family member that won’t send you to a hospital or force you to see a psychiatrist without you wanting it. if you tell someone then at least you will have one person who knows the pain you’re in and they can help you when you need it.
i agree with hated-one. go tell someone that you are close to . i told someone about my cutting, he cares about me, he checks up on me, he makes me happy when i feel down, it may not always work with him trying to make me happy. but i can see he is trying in everyway he can. just make sure you trust them and they trust you.
I think I could tell you just from reading your story why your mom may not love you. She probably hated your father. I know typically when a woman hates a man she will also hate the child born from that man and also the opposite is true if a woman loves a man she will generally love the child that is born from him. Your mom also sounds like she suffers from depression and loneliness. There may be something about your grandma that is hidden from you that made your mom feel disconnected from her. I know because it is the same with me and my son. My mother his grandma treats him like a king, but for me I can never do anything right she is always criticizing me and makes me feel alienated more that any other person in my life. I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe your mom turned to drugs because she is running away from something and when she looks at you running that is probably why she jokes about it because it is another slap in the face to see what a failure she truly is. Parent’s and sometimes even grandparents are really like big kids we all have fears and sorrows but when you look to these people as your source of love it is hard to see that. I wish you luck in either living or dying may you find peace and love.