Suicidal Babblings

The thought and feelings crept back in. I was depressed and suicidal before, but got through it. I learned to live and be happy. I mean, I thought I was happy. I never really know how I feel. It seems that I see how I should feel rather than having feelings. It’s all a mask to cover up the gaping void within me. I’m an empty vessel. I function within the world as anyone would, but I am no one. And I don’t mean I want to be appreciated because people make me feel like no one. Just, I’m inside my brain, and I can see that what I have on the inside is no one. When I get like this, my mind goes so fuzzy. My mind races, but also stands still. Like a song, lyrics racing faster than can be understood, but one long, hopeless, note dictating the mood of it all. It can be so overwhelming. I hate these feelings. But at the same time they make me feel safe, peaceful. How can you not feel safe when you believe you literally have nothing to lose. If you find no value in yourself, then theres no longer reason to feel anything, even the most severe pain. Life sometimes just seems so pointless. We live, coexist, day to day. We endure pain and suffering, and have a few moments that seem meaningful and we convince ourselves this means life is worth living. But I can see, these moments are illusions. We must always return to our pain hunting us down, preying on our hopes in the end. We do this until we eventually die. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not supposed to live, thrive. I feel broken beyond repair. Maybe my brain really is defective, and suicide was my inevitable fate this whole time. Does this apply to everyone who commits suicide, their brains were simply engineered inadequately for this world? Are some people just too weak to go on. And exactly how much of a role does biological brain chemistry play in this? I believe anyone can find a reason to commit suicide if they look. What does that say for me?