Still here. Barely

Before I begin, if you might want to read my previous post for some context.  http://suicideproject.org/2012/03/want-to-just-die/

I’m still here.  Not much of an accomplishment really.  Still depressed.  Still having very suicidal thoughts.  Not constantly, but it’s like they’re always there, waiting for me to have just one very bad day.

My ex and I were friends.  The she just stopped returning my texts.  I didn’t know why.  Still not sure I do.  About three weeks ago.  I texted her and basically wouldn’t stop until she told me what was going on.  All she said was that I can be annoying somtimes.  I admit that sometimes this may be true, but Jesus, you don’t ignore a person for about a month for that.  I’m not completely sure I believer her that that was the only reason.  We didn’t talk after that.  I finally got fed up with silence last weekend and asked to get back the books that I had loaned, saying that it was obvious she didn’t want my friendship.  She didn’t comment on that, but she didn’t protest either.  And it was only after I promised her that she wouldn’t hear from me again after I got my books back that she replied to my original message in the first place.

She did drop off the books and so far I’ve kept my word and plan to stick with that.  I haven’t de-friended her on facebook because I still hold out hope that she might someday reach out.  She hasn’t done it, so maybe……

But a part of me wonders.  Is there something about me that just drives people away?  I’m so isolated.  I feel starved of human contact.  I haven’t even had a hug from somebody in a month.  I get the feeling that I’m somebody people wouldn’t mind taking to for a little bit but not somebody they would want to hang out with.  If I died tomorrow, most people would say “that so sad,” then shrug their shoulders and go about their day.

I just want to be happy.  and not fleeting happiness for a few weeks, like I’ve been in my relationships.  I want to be genuinely happy for a protracted period of time.   I want it to be my normal state, not the opposite.  I’d try pretty much anything except religion.  I’m even considering electro-convulsive therapy.  I’m desperate.  I know that I won’t make it to 40 if this keeps up.  I plan not to be in fact. If i get to 40 and I’m still like this, I’m taking my life.  My life would be half over anyway.   I won’t live me life in misery so some people don’t have to go through some temporary suffering.  I won’t.  Anyway, thanks for listening.