Every night before I go to bed I hope that I don’t wake up, and every morning I wake up a little angrier than I was the day before because I woke up. I am not exactly sure the reasoning behind it, but I have felt this way for many years. The only emotion I ever feel or exhibit is anger. It is starting to effect the people around me but I really don’t care about the people around me or the people close to me. I care about nothing and haven’t for as long as I can remember. As far as I know there was no traumatic experience that started this. It just kind of happened overnight. I used to be an A student in high school and in all the honors classes and such, and then one day I just stopped caring…about everything. I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and at first was telling half truths to keep the conversations going. It isn’t as though I was trying to hinder the process, I am just not good at talking about me. I can have all the answers and then when I sit down with them I just kind of blank, and if I don’t blank I decide I don’t want to share everything and that is where the half truths come along. I finally opened up enough to tell them a little more about me, and their response is simply that I have to want to help myself. The problem is I just do not care about anything…..NOTHING. My whole family could die right after I write this and I wouldn’t flinch. I know that sounds horrible but it is almost out of my control. I have experienced the deaths of close relatives and friends, and although I know how to show remorse and sadness, I was actually neither. The only reason I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist is sort of a conditional thing. I lost my job of 2+ years a couple months ago (my problems stem from much farther back than this) and had to move back into my mother’s house. I have yet to send out one application for a job….let alone even look and see if there were any jobs available that I would be interested in…let alone look for a job at all. My mother is not financially stable and her job of 20+ years is going to end soon. I am a burden to her and it does not bother me 1 single bit. My only wish is to be alone. I like to be alone. Every time I get asked to do anything that I didn’t decide to do I get angry. I really don’t like interaction for the most part, especially in face-to-face situations. In my free time I play games, read books, and watch movies / shows. I do this to pass the time as I wait to die. I have done a lot of in depth look into different suicide methods and the success rates that go along with them and I think I have picked out my chosen method, I am just not quite at the point where I am ready to end it myself. I would much rather have it end where I didn’t have to ‘pull the trigger’ you could say, but I am constantly approaching the breaking point. I am constantly hurting the people that care about me with my zer0-caring attitude about everything…but of course this doesn’t bother me.
I know I probably sound like a horrible person but it really is out of my control. I decided to post on here because this seemed like a place to actually get some feedback into the situation that wasn’t just constant posts of people saying “you have so much to live for you don’t need to kill yourself”. When someone is posting for advice on matters such as this that advice means nothing…I think we have all heard it before.
4 comments
join the army
All right. Well. Have you looked into any of these conditions?
Asperger’s Syndrome/other autism spectrum disorder
antisocial personality disorder
schizoid personality disorder
avoidant personality disorder
attachment disorders http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_disorder
You could probably spend a while on wikipedia (if you wanted to and haven’t already) looking around the various personality disorders and related articles.
It sounds like you have developed a coping mechanism of keeping out all the pain that also necessarily keeps out all the good emotions that come from interacting with people. People caused you pain in some way, and you closed yourself off to people, to all of the joy they could give you and all of the pain. And you learned to be emotionally self-sufficient. Of course no one can literally be self-sufficient so you are still depending on others to meet practical needs but close yourself off to the pain that they feel when experiencing your secondary rage/apathy (I say “secondary” because it’s caused by the coping mechanism itself, and the inability to tolerate anything not under your own control that comes with it).
You have created a world in which you are the only actor. Only your thoughts and feelings matter, and everything outside of you is an object for you to take from or reject, but never for you to give anything to, because you fear the loss that can happen when you offer something of yourself to something else. You cannot control how that will be received, and whether they’ll give you back anything in return. You cannot control whether people will appreciate the things you make and do and say, or whether they will love you back, or whether they will take care of you and not abandon you. This is the risk of giving anything to anyone. It is also the only way to feel positive social emotions like love and affection and closeness and trust and faith and hope. Unfortunately. That is the gamble. You put yourself at risk of feeling pain if you put yourself out there. But really you put yourself at risk of feeling pain if you don’t, and if you don’t there’s no chance of getting the love and other good things.
You say you are in a constant state of anger. This is that pain. Since your self is so fragile you cannot carry the pain within yourself so you push it away from you. That is the anger and apathy. But you still don’t get to feel the good. You are meant to feel the good. You are a human being. The only way to feel the good is to risk feeling the bad too. This is a really tricky thing to do when you’ve spent years and years carefully making sure nothing, no good and no bad, reaches you. You are in a fragile state.
You need to believe that the universe is loving. Believing this idea is what makes it true. Believing it is what makes people act kind to strangers they meet. They trusted in the goodness of life without having a reason to yet, but then when they were kind to the strangers, they WERE the goodness of life… out of nowhere the strangers received this goodness, simply because the original person chose to believe in the goodness that didn’t yet exist. People create goodness moment by moment.
I know this sounds like “The Secret,” which it basically is, now that I think about it, but I’m saying that if you assess the world from a practical viewpoint, of what you can take, no, you’re not going to find any inexhaustible source of happiness just sitting there. You have to imagine it and put it into the world for it to exist. I know that sounds like work but it’s not, it’s work that instantly gets repaid back to you to make you feel safe and loved by people, even people you haven’t met yet.
Obviously this is more what can help you than how, how you might have to figure out what psychological conditions you might be able to ascribe your behaviors/thoughts to and try to look forhelp specific to that, by joining a support group/sire maybe.
I feel exactly as you do.
Every day I care a little less, as I become more and more certain that if it doesn’t occur naturally, I’ll just end it myself. For a while, guilt and other emotions used to restrain the feeling, but that’s all gone now. I could end it right now, or in two weeks, or whenever. I know the feeling that comes with hurting others around you. I do it too, and don’t care at all anymore.
I was like you, three months unemployed without even attempting to find one. I had a momentary lapse in my depression just long enough to apply for a pos at Chipotle and get hired. Now though, I don’t care if I don’t show up for work and lose the job.
Sorry, enough about me. What shows are you into?
julieta –
I was in the army for 4 years.
janedoe812 –
I actually have spent a decent amount of time looking at those previously to posting here, and if I had to pick one of them that fit me the closest I would definitely say spd (schizoid personality disorder). There might be a couple other disorders that I take a defining characteristic from, but spd definitely has the most.
I see what you are saying. However, I am not necessarily looking for a way to feel happy…to be honest I am not sure that I ever will. I am more looking for a way to function and be content. I guess one of the biggest problems is that I am content now, and if I became homeless tomorrow I think I would still be content just because I don’t care about anything. The therapist/psychiatrist that I have been seeing keep saying that I have to want to help myself..and to be honest I think that the only reason I continue to go to them is because it is conditional…and it is more out of curiosity than wanting to help myself. I want to know whats wrong with me because this is clearly not the ‘norm’ of the everyday average joe. I just don’t see what could make me care…I don’t see someone saying something that makes just go ahhhh that makes sense. The job I had for 2 years wasn’t necessarily a bad job, but I pretty much hated work everyday and on days that I didn’t have work I dreaded the work days that were coming. So, when I am functioning it makes me care less and a little more fed up with everything each passing day.
skrl –
It is interesting to find someone that feels similar to me, even though the underlying issues could possibly be different. I have had doctors prescribe me with anti-depressants, which seemed to not help at all.
I am into just about every type of show, but preferably ones with humor or action. I also enjoy animes because they can provide the best of both and there are just so many out there to watch. They are great ‘escapes’.