Dont know what to do

I’m 26. Bipolar, student, mom. When I was a teenager my father shot himself and survived(thankfully) in our home. Every since that day my life change forever. I wasn’t the happy girl anymore. I thought as I got older things would get better, but my husband recently left us. I was abused in just about every way, but I am beyond sad over this loss. I constantly think about death and suicide. I also feel like a horrible parent. I wanted nothing more than to have a happy family for my son, but our home life was a nightmare. But now I have no one to talk, I quit my job because they were just as hateful as he was, and I went there to escape the fear. My life is like upside down. I don’t want to end my life because I know what it would to do my son, but the last 10 years of my life have been very hard with very little good. I’m at the end f my rope, because I feel like no matter the meds they give me, or the counseling. I am still sad on the inside. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to be a mom. I want to be a good friend. I wanted so much, not material goods, but love of friends, and family. When we sep, I lost a huge number of friends as well. I suppose Im meant to be alone I guess.