I’m 24 years old and have been depressed since i was six. I was raised in a family where i could never be good enough no matter how hard i tried. I was always compared to my older sister because she did well in school, and was grounded pretty much from first grade till high school. I have tried to commit suicide several times, usually with something going wrong (or right according to some people). In high school i started cutting myself to deal with my depression as it became worse. When i went off to college i met this girl who was popular and beautiful and fun to be around, and for some reason she actually liked me. She and i ended up dating, but she became physically and emotionally abusive. She eventually broke up with me but not before berating me and convincing me that i’m worthless and a waste of life. Even though she left me i continued going back to her. She gave me several broken bones, dozens of bruises, and she cut me daily. Eventually she set me up to be raped by two of her gay friends, which sent me in a downward spiral.
Since then i have dated two other girls, one of whom treated me like shit after we broke up but kept telling me she loved me. The one, i thought she was the one. But it turns out she thought i was gonna cheat on her, so she left me and found another guy within days. And now i find myself thinking about all the things the first girl told me, about being worthless and how no one will ever be able to love me for me. I don’t know what it is that i do wrong, i try to be a good person. I’m even nice to people who treat me horribly. I’m constantly told i’m a great friend and that i’m a really sweet guy, i just don’t understand why everyone treats me like i don’t matter. My father doesn’t even talk to me anymore, he comes to see my brother and sister and virtually ignores my existence. All i think about anymore is about killing myself, and i’m afraid to tell someone how bad it is because i don’t want them to think i’m crazy. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
8 comments
I’m about your age and have dealt with similar things on a less extreme scale. The last girl who dumped me was emotionally abusive towards me and physically abusive at the end of the relationship. 8 months later I am still fighting the thoughts that were planted in my head about how worthless I am.
You say you’re a nice guy even to people who treat you horribly, well maybe that’s part of the problem. You sound like you’re possible codependent or just needy enough that you’re willing to stick with crappy people because you’d rather have someone than noone. That’s how I lived my life for a long time. That last girl had broken up with me once before, screwed around with another guy while lying about, finally agreed to get back together with me, I later find out she lied about some of the questions I had asked her before we got back together, and still I stayed, just so she could dump me in the end. Anyone in their right mind would dump these people who treat us so badly, we stay because we’re lonely and we already believe that we don’t deserve better, even before they start emotionally abusing us.
You’ve got to find a way to feel better about yourself and start setting some standards and realize you deserve to be treated just as nicely as you treat others. I know it’s easier said than done I am still struggling with it.
I don’t know if i’d say i’m codependent or needy, i just feel like no one should like being around me because the first girl really messed me up. And no matter how good things get i always end up thinking about all the things she said to me. You are right about wanting to have someone rather than no one, i’ve forgiven some of my friends too many times, and i still forgive them for how they treat me because i’m afraid to lose them. I feel like they’re all i have, and that if i lose them i won’t be able to find other friends, so i just keep forgiving them. And it’s hard to make yourself believe you deserve better when you’re so used to being treated so horribly.
Hi gabe, Obviously (I guess) your family life has impacted on your self-esteem and how you expected to be treated by others. Being young your relationships with girls have also had a strong impact on how you view yourself.
Can relate to that whole ‘sticking with someone who isn’t good for me because I don’t think I can do any better’ thing. As we speak I’m with a very difficult partner who I support financially and in other ways because I don’t on some level think that I’m ‘worthy’ enough to attract someone who will give back what I give him…
Thanks God you are out of the relationship with a girl who fractured your bones! Heavens gabe, that’s very extreme by any standards!
Being young into the bargain is the very hell itself. You only have to read a few of the stories here to remember how acutely things hurt when you are young. Don’t mean to be ageist there, but I’m 50 now and a bit more jaded!! Please just give things time, gabe. You clearly need to build up your self esteem by focusing less on these dysfunctional relationships and more on whatever it is you do in life to gain a sense of yourself and a sense of your worth.
I can tell you for nothing. You are definitely worth more than allowing yourself to be abused like this. And I agree with another commenter. You are under no obligation to be nice to people who are horrible to you (in my opinion). Better to turn your back and ignore them! They aren’t worth your time, gabe.
You are ‘a sweet guy’ and ‘a good friend’ (that’s a great thing to be). Easy though it is to focus overwhelmingly on the negative things people say to us, try and maintain some balance, and remember all the good feedback you’ve had from people!
You are just in the process of finding yourself, though. Maybe it’s best to get to know yourself in other ways rather than pay too much attention to what people say to you. The girls who have said hurtful things clearly had their own issues gabe, let’s face it!
I hope any of the above is in any way useful, and wish you the very best of luck, as you deserve. Keep posting! Zoe X
hello there, I believe you certainly don’t need those people in your life, if you’re not getting what you want from them why stay and suffer the pain they cause? rather just find new places to make friends. There will always be someone out there who will treat you with respect. Seems to me you feel like you need them in order to not feel lonely? that’s no reason to stay and hurt hun. As to the girl who abused you, I can’t even begin to describe how angry this makes me feel just hearing you say what she did. Trust me you’re not worthless, you are probably the most amazing guy who will someday find a girl who will love you and cherish you. Forget what stupid people say, people will do anything to bring you down. See, life is about falling and picking yourself back up. Now that you know what you DON’T want from people. try to avoid it from now on. I am not very good at this but that’s all I can say sweetie, please stay strong and know that we are here for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPRMaWHdIgA
Parents are supposed to reflect back to you the way to cultivate a loving, & nurturing, & healthy relationship with yourself. Most parents have their own issues so they project on to their children their disappointment with themselves & actually has nothing to do with you. You were born perfect, & joyous & got trained out of it.
The path now is to reignite all that goodness within you. The past is the past. No need to identify yourself with it any more. Take the creative frustration within you & focus on how you want to feel, which is good, & move forward with a firm intent & decision to care about how you feel knowing you are only responsible for you’re own well being, & your behaviour is not in any way responsible for those about you….anyone! Takes a firm decision, some courage & there ya go. All the best!
Well, i’ve regressed to hurting myself. I keep talking to my recent ex, and it just hurts. But at the same time its the only time i feel like myself again. The problem is shes with another guy that shes in love with, and never wants to be with me again. She never saw how much i actually loved her. And she can’t see how much i still love her and how it’s tearing me apart inside. I try to hang out with friends so i’m out and doing stuff but idk who my friends are anymore. The ones that talk to me the most are the ones that treat me like shit, and the only other people that talk to me are two of my exes and my most recent ex’s friend. I’m trying really hard not to hurt myself but i can’t even think of reasons not to anymore. I just don’t really want to live anymore, but i promised someone that i wouldn’t kill myself and i try not to break my promises.
stay strong hun, things get better. They always do. wait for someone to come along who will give you everything you want.
well – i am sorry for your pain. Truely.
But, I also want to THANK you for sharing your story. I was kinda afraid that I was the only guy in the world who cut (I thought it was a “girl thing”).
Thanks for helping me.