I am not one for showing my true feelings to the general public. I consider myself to have gone completely numb on the inside but nobody could ever tell thanks to my happy personality which I fake just so I do not have to answer questions regarding my true life. I thought once I got out of high school my life would be a bit different, it is in some ways but not everything is peachy. I have been physically and mentally abused by my mom since I was born and I am 21 now and it still continues. According to her I am worthless, need to shut up, and need to stop striving for attention and being deceitful and a liar. She fakes being a mother in public but once we are behind closed doors she is a wicked creature. Moving out is not an option for I do not have the money and probably never will I do not greatly care for the rest of my family nor do they care for me. I believe the first time I spoke I was seen as an outcast in all of their eyes. Nobody wants me-which is becoming more and more clear on a daily basis,and nobody has ever shown any kind of love or acknowledgement towards me. I have never had a single person who I could call a true friend let alone have any guy interested in me. I am alone 99 percent of the time whenever people aren’t screaming at me, this includes college. Nobody acknowledges my existance there and from my experience with people not an ounce of kindess can be found anywhere. I’m sure many people think they are being kind but it is one thing to say hello and another to actually help someone who has never known anything other than hatred for her existance. Sometimes I do wish with all my might that I had never been born. It is impossible for people to realize that just because I am plain and know very little of the world it does not mean that I cannot feel.
I truly came to the realization today that I have absolutely no one and will probably always be alone. No one bothers to hear me so why should I stay on this earth? Yes, some may say going this way is ‘selfish’ but I do believe that there are to be better things beyond this hell that I am living. There are many things that I would have loved to have done but I am too tired to remember any of them. I am ready to meet my maker even if I will not be blessed.
6 comments
Hey – I see so many sad people, I’m sad too and I don’t really know why. But you gotta know that you’re really not alone in it. Not sure why that helps but it does seem to make a difference. And you gotta talk about it…so please talk rather than feeling sad alone.
1) Start applying for jobs (I mean every single job advertised)
2) You will get a job eventually and even on minimum wage you can afford to rent a place.
3) Start applying for better jobs
4) If you like you can always go back to college
5) Enrol in a pottery classes or whatever takes your interest. Take up a hobby where you can meet nice people.
6) Go out and treat yourself, I’m not ashamed to admit I go to restaurants on my own. People think it’s sad, but there is nothing sad about devouring a lobster. Well, maybe for the lobster.
7) You now realise that you are a modern independent women so with your new found confidence you could join a dating site. That’s what I did but I never paid the subscription fee to become a full member because I gambled it instead.
8) you now realise that talking to people on suicide forums is even more depressing and not in a good way, so you move on with your life putting the past behind you.
Enrol in pottery class. Sorry just to pissed to read. Your not am worthless. And your mun suck’s.
Admiral, I see nothing wrong with her posting on a suicide site. That takes some guts on its own, and doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Also, I think you have to realize that it’s REALLY hard for severely depressed people to actually get out and do things like the ones you listed. You get so exhausted with life, that you just can’t find the energy to do anything. I don’t know if that’s her case, but it probably isn’t as easy as 123.
Jane, are you a student? If you are, there are probably people you can talk to, maybe in your psychology or health center, who could help you out. What your mom does to you is majorly twisted, and you deserve to be treated better.
I am similar to you in that I don’t ask for help from people and generally try to hide my screwed up mind from the outside world as much as possible. Then I get angry that no-one seems to give a damn about me. But sometimes you just have to ask for help, otherwise people will never know.
(I posted this on the wrong page. This is meant for you)
Please read. I can only assume that if you logged on to write your story that there is some sort of hope in your heart and mind for a better life. I believe for you that there is. I strongly feel (from experience) that HOPE is your answer in finding your way out of this living hell and a chance at a future that is fulfilling in many ways.
If you have even the smallest glimmer of hope for a better life then you have a lot to work with.
You may always feel the trauma of your family experience, but I believe that you can overcome this feeling in time. I feel that a life plan of things you hope for-dream of is a perfect plan. Try to find the things you wish were your reality for the future and you CAN make them happen. Without a plan and determination it’s hard to feel anything but doom. You can change your life, but it will take time. Perhaps not even as long as you think. Take the steps NOW to decide NOT to have suicide as an option. Shoot, you can even strive for a better life just to spite them if that’s what it takes. But, your motivation should be a peaceful and hopeful so not to carry hatred with you on your journey to contentness.
Many people are not truly happy even if they’re not suicidal. Happy events come and go, and in the meantime we work and take care of our needs such as food and shelter.
Use your glimmer of hope as the first step to creating the life you wish you could have. You will achieve it if you don’t give up. Simple things like finishing college and finding a job are indeed the first step, but the way you think is crucial in changing your path.
It seems that people/strangers do not care, but they don’t know you and you can be let down if your expectations are not realistic. Opening up to meeting new people does not mean that you have to tell them all your problems. But through socialization you can benefit greatly inside. You open up new avenues to inspire you to do better for yourself.
It seems that you need to plan on getting away from your family dynamic. I’m not saying disown them, nor will it be easy. But if you have a hopeful plan of getting away someday, that day will indeed come. Right now you may not see a way out, but you’re the only one who can make your way out. You do have the power to change your life if you truly want better.
Please consider dreaming…dreaming for better. And make that your plan. Even if your plan is vague at first, you are continuously working toward an escape from your current situation. I’m certain that you need some sort of therapy, but the immediate answer is outruling suicide and planning on having a better life.
I know these things may sound general and perhaps they may not reach your soul, but I hope that you will get something from what I’ve written. Just hope for change and take action. College is a perfect step and a great distraction from your home life. Try to find a study buddy in class. It’s amazing how friendly people are if you modestly ask them to study with you.
Also, surround yourself with the things you enjoy-even if you don’t know what that is in your moment of angst, try things whether it’s music, dancing, reading, or some sort of spirituality. A hobbie that will allow you to spend more time AWAY from home, which put you closer toward your goal.
A simple goal of having your own apartment and being away from the abuse is a great enough goal. I am not saying that you’ll be truly happy in the meantime but you will become more and more fulfilled in time.
If you’re college age then you trulyu have the world to explore and find a great life. You really do. But it takes time and persaverance. Never give up on yourself. Who knows, perhaps you will be able to help others some day. It’s true that people who suffer and overcome terrible things are some of the greatest people. They know things and have values that those who do not have deep traumas will never know.
Please try to work from the same glimmer of hope that motivated you to write your story here. Dig deep into your heart, mind, and soul for what you wish your life would be. Only there will you find hope. And your journey can begin right away. Start with the vow to yourself to never give up.
I hope that I do not sound preachy, nor too general. I wanted to comment and reach you ASAP so that you do not underestimate what a small amount of hope can lead to. Faith is what you hope for. Have faith that you will overcome your current reality and that your will one day be free from the doom that you feel deep within. Please consider these words. ‘m a stranger and I have hope for you! God bless you and I pray that these words mean something to you. You really can change. (I am not ignoring the fact that you probably need therapy, etc. But, you are the souce from where change will come. Try it! Please!
I dont know where the admiral is posting from but here in washington, for every low paying minimum wage job listed there are 450 applicants!. I am very skilled in my trade and for every opening there are litteraly thousands of people knocking down the door for the 1 job offered. The unemployment rate is nearly doubled in the past 5 years. Who can afford a pottery class? Lobster dinner? I had a can of generic corn for dinner last night! no shit!