As someone who’s survived 3 serious attempts I wish to say that I have no intention of making it through number four. I’ve finally arrived at the conclusion that I’m statistically supposed to be dead by now and it’s not something which makes me feel better. I’ve seen so much pain on my short tour here on Earth. Humanity does little to stoke my optimism, in fact it does the opposite. I’m a vet, I’m mentally unstable, I’m single, I’m unemployed for the fourth year running and I’m almost homeless (I already was for 3 years.) A close friend who I met while being homeless committed suicide via alcohol and prescription pain-killers. He left his body for me to discover. Seeing his body dislodged many pent up feelings of torment and torture. The way I feel right now is that it is only a matter of time until I join him and peacefully commit myself to eternal sleep. The only thing holding me back is my obligation to care for someone who is near the end of their life via old age. May I pass the threshold with little more than a gasp and a soft utterance.
I will smile deeply when it’s my time. My last drink will feel like it’s my last, my last meal will feel like it’s my last, my last conversation will have meaning and quality, my last day here on Earth will be beautiful even if you can’t see it. Thank you and goodbye.
“Red wine and sleeping pills take me back into your arms…”
1 comment
What you wrote is real and sadly beautiful. I understand. The values of this world seem empty although the robots spout them well. You sound like a very real and feeling person. I hope I live in another world where you live someday, and that we are both happy.