since I can remember…

I have hated myself since I can remember. I always thought I was worthless. I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I was 5 and thinking ‘I hope my face changes and looks better when I grow up’. I’ve never fit in with anyone and I cry a lot. I feel like my body is a prison and I would do anything to be free. Suicidal thoughts take control of my life when I am on a low. I can’t get rid of them. I’ve had these thoughts since I was 10 years old. I battle myself constantly and it’s exhausting. Only my husband knows of my pain. I want so bad to scream at the top of my lungs to everyone who knows me ‘I am not happy. I’m depressed, I take meds and I hate my life’. It’s hard to pretend day after day. It’s tiring to be something I’m not. But depression is taboo and I would be judged badly.

I wonder when I will do it. What will push me over the edge? I’ve been tested time and time again, but I’ve beat it. It scares me to think of what will do it. What will be so bad that I can’t fight it.

I’m sure my husband will divorce me. I’m so disconnected and sad all the time. I wouldn’t want to be around me.

I should have died at birth and didn’t. Why? Why did I survive just to be miserable? I get angry thinking about that. I often wish I would die another way so it will be easier for my friends and family to accept. People don’t accept suicide. I don’t want to hurt anyone either, but I want my hurt to eff off. I’m so sick of this constant pain. I wish I could kill that part of me.