I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder two years ago. I took drugs and went through therapy, and I did end up feeling better. But for the past 6 months or so, when I’ve been alone with just myself, I’ve been incredibly suicidal. I can’t talk to anyone about it, because they’ll just put me back in the hospital, but I’ve been through all that, and obviously it’s not helping anymore, if it ever did at all. When I’m around other people, I’ll generally have a good time, but as soon as all distractions are gone, I’m back to suicide. I don’t have a difficult life, I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for so long. The only thing holding me back is the thought of hurting the people I love. But is it worth all this pain and suffering just for them? I want to do something for myself, for once. There’s nothing in this world that’s worth living for. Honestly. I’m asking you now: is it worth going on?
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This is very similar to what I’ve been going through lately, described almost exactly how I would.
If you’re living for others, the most fundamental choice of all is being denied to you. You’re putting up with pain to make people happy. That might be honorable, though; self-sacrificing by not sacrificing yourself. Sometimes I think about slowly isolating myself from my loved ones to ease the pain, but my control over my emotions isn’t good enough to accomplish that.
Find a cause worth fighting for and it’s and incredible experience.
So much of that is how I feel too on a daily basis. I’m just not happy, and when I’m alone, I’m even unhappier. When I think about committing to it – to dying – it makes me sad not knowing what would’ve happened in my life, to thinks pertinent to me, if I hadn’t.
That’s a hard question as everyone has a different answer to it. Some people say yes and then they bury themselves with sex, drugs, cutting, or relationships. What ties do you have to anchor you to this world? If those ties are worth the pain, then yes it is.