maybe if i fall asleep i wont breath right?

you know that feeling that you get in the back of your mind? how worthless you feel? how empty your stomach feels. yet, you cant eat. that feeling that at any moment you can completely fall apart? the blade just dosent cut deep enough anymore? the doctors prescribe you with this pill that does nothing but make you feel robotic. and death is never a promise….and when you run and find you really have no one to run to? you feel lost? you dont understand the words that come out of anyones mouth anymore. you constantly fall in and out of conciencessness. no one truley matters, at least not enough to want to live. but no matter how hard you try death never comes knocking on your door. well this is how ive been feeling for nearly 5 years. still desperately searching for one thing to change your mind. like maybe he will come back? or maybe your dad will grow up and be a man? maybe your brother will finally go to jail so you dont have to sleep with your eyes open? or maybe your mom will put the bottle down long enough to tell you she loves you for the first time in 12 years? or maybe you can run away to some one who actually loved you back? life is a *****, so why cant i just finally fall asleep and not wake up? i havent slept in nearly 3 days nor taken one bite….maybe if i weaken myself just a little more i wont wake up the next time i close my eyes……………sorry if this is depressing just expressing my thoughts