We are all worth dying for

Hey Ya’ll, my name is Leah and I want to share with you my suicide story. I just want to go ahead and start off with the fact that I love you, and I am praying for you every single day.
So, where to begin…
Ever since I can remember I have been suicidal. I have had these thoughts for as long as I can remember. I knew it was not the right way to think, that children were supposed to be happy, and the fact that I was not made me feel as if I was doing something wrong. I had trouble coping with anything and everything that got thrown at me, and when middle school rolled around, I broke down. I distinctly remember when I was 13 cutting myself. “The press of the scissors on my wrist wouldn’t do anything” I convinced myself. At the time it made me feel something. Even if it was nothing more than pain, I felt alive. But after I cut myself, I realized everyone could see. It made things worse and I was scared my Mom was going to find out. No one could find out that I was not right, that I was not perfect, that I was something different, something not human.
While the years dragged on and I continued to feel misplaced, the pain and sudden urge to hurt myself started to vanish, rather just hide for a little while. After middle school my family and I moved to Alabama, surprisingly enough I coped with this change pretty well. Sure I had days that I spent crying and just wanting my old life back, but at the time I was comfortable and I was with my family. Nothing else mattered.
Not but a couple months later did I begin my very first relationship. He name is Tyler. He was my first everything, from holding hands, to making love. He was the one. We had rough times, but most importantly we had great times. He was my rock and he was the one I could forever turn to for four years. During our relationship he began to notice the scars. The old scars, and the new cuts. Even with his love I felt alone, I felt hopeless and broken. He would threaten to tell my mom, but that only resulted in me finding new places to cut myself. I went from my arms, to my legs, to my stomach. I couldn’t even count the number of scars I have accumulated through my years. Tyler and I fought a lot about me cutting, and eventually I sought out help.
Help didn’t work for me. Talking to someone made me feel like a failure, like I was weak. I never was truly honest when they would ask ‘Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?”
So, the years continued to drag on, with this dark cloud continually hovering over my head. I moved away to college. At this point Tyler and me had broken up. And to this day it hurts. But, September 8th 2012 I attempted suicide. It’s scary to see those words, much less be the one to write them. I had taken a handful and a half of my antidepressant. I was hopeful to fall asleep; never did I think I would get sick. I mean, I did this before; I have taken more pills than I should and I just slept for a long time. That was all I wanted. But this time I got sick. I ended up having to go to the hospital and get my stomach pumped. My parents drove the whole 3 and half hours down there, and I was able to stay with them that night instead of at the hospital.
It’s ridiculous to think about how much I had hurt them and scared them. When I was taking the pills I was only thinking that I wanted the pain to end, the cloud to go away, and for me to fall asleep. Not once did I pick my head up and think about my parents and baby sister, or my friends. I forgot how much I was loved. However, I was reminded when I went to the hospital.
Not but two days later did I attened a church service called ONE at the Highlands. Here we talked about life and how much we meant to the Lord. The preacher was preaching one minute, and the next he just stopped..looked up and said “I may be stepping out of line when I say this, but I think it is necessary for those out there who are stuggling to know that suicide is not fair. You are meant to be here, you mean more to me and to everyone around you than you realize.” I broke down and cried.
My story may sound jumbled, afterall I am just an 18 year old girl, and definitely not a journalist, but I do have a point. God wants you here. God has a plan for you much greater than you can see. God is here to save us, we are ALL worth dying for. You are beautiful, you are perfect, and you may seem alone, but you are not. When you look up at the stars just know he is there. He is always there. Don’t think twice about how precious your life is, because it is more than precious. Your life means the world to someone, and that someone is none other than our Lord. So, when you are in the dumps pray. He is there to talk to. He is always there.

Me, I am currently home. I couldn’t handle college, and I need to get better mentally. I have finally admitted to the fact that there is something wrong with me. This is no way to live, and there is happiness out there for me. I am determined to find it. Yes, thoughts to hurt myself still pollute my mind. But I pray. I believe. I trust in the Lord. And I know that God is with me. He is with you too.