Why cant i die?

i wanna leave this “world” aka my hell
i dont like walking round school and hearing people talk about me and laughing or writing shit about me on facebook or girls toilets,i dont want for everyone to look at me like im no good for anyone.
i couldnt help what happen to me,people say to me why didnt u scream help or rape,unless u wanted it to happen but i cant say what i want to say,i want to tell them why i didnt scream,cos when your so scared you try to scream but the words wont come out,inside your screaming so loud you hope it come out of your mouth but it doesnt,its like silent screams,i cry everynight to get me to sleep.I have nitemares about the night that change my life.I want to leave my hell and be free like the birds,or at least have a reason to live.

When i was self harming it felt like a nightmare that was never ending i couldnt tell anyone,people around me would ask how did u get that scar i would turn our and say “it was my little sister” i couldnt hug anyone i had to say good bye to my social life i couldnt bare to have someone touch a little scar that had turn into a scar that was so deep i could see my vain.i tired to tell people but i lied to them cos i scared to see the disapoint in there eyes,the way they look at me.Just the fact of them thinking wow shes been cutting her arms and legs from 11 and now shes 13 and covered in scars,how does she live with it?
The thing is i cant i want to die,i’ve tired everything,drowning-failed fucking doctors saved me.pills-failed just in hosptial for 2 weeks stupid doctors.crashing a car-failed doctors again.the stupid doctors wont let me die cant they see how much i want to die,i didnt ask to be born and i wish i wasnt