hello i posted here before once and got some good advice…but im feeling like ending my life more then ever. Everything ive worked on to become more optimistic and happy just seemed like a waste of time its gotten to the point where  ”smiling”  has become a chore. Ive tried to work on my family relationships to be happier and to be more social for them but they constantly remind me how pathetic i am i mean my gran would open the door to people and openly say ”this is my pathetic excuse of a grandson i couldnt be more ashamed to be his grandmother” and  my mother constantly reminding me how much more perfect her life would be if i hadnt been born, shes been saying this since i was 6 with not a hint of guilt on her face not even once so i know shes pretty serious to say that. i try to think about what i have in life to keep me happy but it seems that every day it gets less and less and since im a push over my friends treat me like crap and constantly ask for advice once thats done they return to constantly insulting me and saying how much of a joke i am and how my life has next to no meaning and i couldnt agree more then them. when you spend your whole life being reminded everyday that your meaningless and that as a person you cant even help people (even though thats all i do, i give advice to those who need it, i look alfter my grandmother well, i always look after my mother since shes ill and always give my friends the time of day to make sure there happy and okay if there going through problems)
im going through social anxiety pretty badly to the point its difficult to walk out my house to the point i start shaking and crying its embrassing i go out thinking the whole world is judging me as a person and that people are laughing at me behind my back i have no confidence, no special gift in life nothing to show the world what im good for expect for some half decent advice. it seems that no matter how much i try to think of positive things in life the negatives are just much greater, friends wise i have 2 which although they are nice to me and treat me with respect i highly doubt me killing myself would shock them much as selfish as that sounds sadly. I have no family who i can talk too without being blamed for having no confidence or reason to live i mean i know you have to find your own reason but ive looked and ive tried very hard to and the only thing ive really got to hold onto right now is ”dont worry one day someone will love you for who you are” but that dream has  recently been a joke as well i mean ive had 3 relationships ( currently in one now) in my life 2 of which has been where they have cheated on me one during the whole relationship were i was used to get back at her ex which she then cheated on me for and then completely spat in my face for all the effort i put into our relationship…the second one cheated on me for a girl and used me just for relationship advice (since she was a girl herself and wanted to ask for my opinion on it) afterwards
and now im currently in another relationship were i just got a lovely phone call which went ”oh im sorry im round my ex’es sisters house…and im really sorry but i hugged my ex for the past half an hour dont worry nothing bad happened we was just snuggling together and now im upset because he doesnt see me in that way…” i just had to (literately about 10 minutes ago) help her calm down from the shock of not being liked by her ex…i mean…how could anyone tell the person there in a relationship with that without any guilt or worry in their voice…everything i do for people is just a waste of time and honestly if i could kill myself right now i would…but im scared…im scared of dying (ironically) and i just really need someone to tell me ”every things going to be okay”i just want one person to say that…and for everything to be fine soon but i know it wouldnt i feel completely alone and at this rate might even just set up a time sometime next week to end it all (that way if i really go through with it i can just do it in my own time why next week? because i would rather end my life without regret beforehand) i just need one reason to live and im sorry for writing alot its just my life has gotten to the point of where i have nothing more to live for and i really need some help.
4 comments
I’m so sorry that you have had to go through all of this pain through out your life. I have never been in a situation like yours but I know what it feels like to not understand the meaning or point of living. I’ve never understood why I’m even hear in the first place and that maybe if I leave then it would be asier for everyone without me and that then maybe people would be better off. I think that you deserve so much better than your shitty girlfriend because she obviously is taking your kind heart for granted. At some point everything will be okay because in the end everything is better. The people in your life will miss you and realize just how great of a friend/ person you were if you kill yourself and I can promise you that they will regret every horrible thing that they ever said to you. I think that you just need to get away from all of the people in your life right now and start somewhere new and find some real friends. I hope this helped! (:
thank you so much for that (: it really means alot and i think that would be best for me to just take some space from the people who treat me badly i think i could do with some alone time to think about what makes me happy for a change thank you very much for those words of advice i really needed it
no problem! and
pleaseee talk to me whenever you need it! (;