Self Harm Lullaby

beyond popular belief i hate cutting I hate it more then anything. Why i made the first cut… ill never know.. its along story. I was mad at a teacher, at daycare she grabbed my hand on the door knob when i tried to leave the class… it hurt.. and their were NO marks to prove it. So i went into the bathroom with safty scissors.. and cut in the places it hurt on my hand. I didnt even continue with the argument. I didnt feel so angry anymore.. I started picking at scabs on my body.. when ever i felt anxious. To a point i would claw my own skin.. i was only 8.. It continued for years till i found out about cutting. I remembered back when i was 7. I tried it again.. the same relieve.. i was hooked. I only made this connection a year ago. When talking to a therapist about ” why” i started to cut.

I’ve made collages, drawings, paintings, wrote poems, watched funny videos, ran, put icecubes on my wrist ( gave my self frost bite.. so i had to stop), snapping rubber bands ( bruising the doctor didnt like that either) writing, suicide project, and now my videos. The bad thing is , when it stops working its hard to return to it so i have to find a new coping skill.. and its hard.. cause im slowly running out of options. The only one that sticks is cutting.. i wish i could quit.