Should i use my scapel?

Here i sit in class, reviewing for my end of course exams.. and all i can think about is suicide.. Cutting, im thinking about using my scapel for the first time. The sharpness is 0.6mm.. does anyone know how sharp that is .. like if i were just to press it lightly to my skin how deep would it cut me? I know many of you are gonna tell me not to cut, and are probally gonna avoid anwsering the question i dont blame you. But i wanna know ive looked it up on google countless times and it never has shit to tell me, just says its sharp. The cuts are getting deeper not matter the tool i use wheather it be my razors, scissors, or box cutter. so please just tell me. Ive been itching to get it out. To feel the pinch of the blade.

Now you may be asking why i wanna cut so bad. Thats because of the fact, on friday my x-boyfriend bit my neck. Stupid right, but i love him alot and for the past month and a half his been senind mixed messages, he’ll avoid me for days flirt with other girls and then the next he’s flirting with me,  hugging me like he used to, and now he bit my neck. I pushed him off clawing his neck when he tried to do it again, i made him bleed, i apolagized then he said he needed to talk to me about someone i said ” well i gotta get going” ( pretty sure my voice cracked) and i ran to my classroom. He was chasing after me but i made it to the girls bathroom before he caught up to me. I honestly dont know what to say. I walked a totally diffrent way to class today just to avoid seeing him. Im scared what he wants to say, im scared i may say something ill regret. I hate this feeling.

I’m just insane, little thinks get to me that no one understands, i told my best friend last night, this was that last of our convo before i stopped texting her.

me: no your right i should have given up a long time ago. He never liked me and i was just to stubburn to give up .

Kaitlyn: yeah and becca he’s obviously not the one you were ment to be with so why bother.

me:… because i dont think i can do any better.

kaitlyn: you have no confidence and its sad. Honestly it is, you need to stop putting yourself down and shit and look at the positives in life.

She acts like i dont try i try to be happy, i fool everyone at my new highschool, the only thing that could hint them that something was wrong is the scars on my wrist. And i keep those covered. Im so sick of people telling me to “cheer  up” trust me i hate feeling like this, its hell. To have nightmares, flashbacks, to wanna die, thinking about how to die, cutting and thinking about how to cut.

I wanna be normal, just to be able to forget about my past, but i know that will never happen.

Its just like telling a blind person to just look harder.. its impossible..