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by shadow

Pfft, the last post I made was a lie. I said I’ve ‘hit my lowest point’ but that’s more like now or the near future. I tried to literally run away from my problems, and I was naïve to think it would help anything. I got 57 miles on foot before a cop started questioning me, and he eventually arrested me (since running away where I live illegal). That’s the only reason I’m still in this tiny little hellhole of mine where as much as the people around me may have good intentions, I can’t take it. I’d run away again, even though as I said before, that is a very naïve decision, but I can’t. If I try and they catch me again, I’ll go to a state home, where I won’t see my family or my friends again for years. And then there’s the part where after my dad tried to cut communication off from me and my girlfriend (he threatened to call the cops on her since it’s a long distance relationship and he thinks she’s some pedo) And she’s been the only one I’ve wanted to talk to. That’s another problem. I’ve become a selfish imbicile. My dad said if I said one more word to her he’d call the cops and she’d go to prison. Which means that I have the rest of my best friend and girlfriend’s life in my hands. And yet I continue to talk to her. She always makes me feel better, and the thought of getting her in prison is heartwrenching. But in all, I’m miserable. I’m honestly trying to decide whether I should kill myself. I haven’t heard from my girl in 2 weeks, so if I just told her I love her, and then killed myself, who cares? I’d be away from this awful place. All the fucking “tough love”, the stress of not being with my girl, my family’s past. (if you read the other posts I made I tell all about that) But all this shit is driving me literally insane to the point where I wonder things like “Do other people really exist or are they just tormenting my mind?” or “Why am I here? Why’ve I been put through such a tough challenge already when I’m not even 20 yet?” I know I’ve got what is possibly a wonderful, long life ahead of me, which is why I’m still deciding. If you’re reading this huge block of text then tell me, if you’ve cared enough to read all this, what do you think I should do? Don’t give me all the stuff I already realize like “please don’t kill yourself, people love you!” because I already know that, give me the pros and cons of suicide/staying alive. If you can. Please.

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unsignedint 1/16/2013 - 1:38 am

I’m not going to tell you not to kill yourself because that’s the best way to end it all. Im going to tell you why im still alive. I’m still alive our of curiosity. What will happen tomorrow? What will happen next week? Where will I be in 5 years? 10 years? If I kill myself I will never know. God knows, I think about it every day but I havn’t actually bothered to do it yet.

Having a woman that loves you is probably the best thing you can have in this world. Go be with her, whatever it costs

blahh 1/16/2013 - 11:08 am

i never tried cant tell you what works or doesnt but research helps. im not saying you should kill yourself not saying you shouldnt, all i have to say is that someone loves you, then go be with her, fight for it do whatever it takes to make it reality. you will never know tomorrow and it may be too late. go!

FTW0990 1/16/2013 - 3:22 pm

I don’t know why she would go to jail if she is also a teen. If she is over18 then its an issue. I wanted to die young as well. I had no social life and was always picked on at school and didn’t have a job until it was my last year at home. I wanted to die so bad. I lost my faith and realized that the bible is fake. I think if I had to go through it again then I would have done it or at least tried it to send a message. I left my hometown and did six years in the navy. I got out months ago and my funds are drying up. I can’t believe I am not on the streets yet. I have been thinking of just hanging myself. That would be somewhat painful but it would end my pathetic life. I was not successful in the navy as well. I WOULD NOT SUGGEST JOINING ANY BRANCH OF THE MILITARY. unless you really wanted to live and that was your only option. Choose the air force. They treat their people the best if you have to go down that route. I can’t tell you to hang in there because I barely can’t, but whatever you do keep a low profile and be careful of who you trust. To me teen hood was the hardiest part of my life because I couldn’t control shit…

SadBk 1/16/2013 - 9:35 pm

Well, one con is it’s hard to do it successfully. I agree with blahh that research helps… I use it as a coping mechanism now, actually. Research and planning. Some of it shouldn’t technically be labeled “research” (such as reading this site) but it feeds the suicide obsession. Like you, I’m trying to make up my mind whether I should or not. But I’m much older than you and have lived my life. Good luck to you!

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