when you are REALLY tired, you always want the easy way out, its like listening to a scratched record over and over again when someone who thinks they know really doesnt know, and they try to preach to you. i remembered my mentally handicapped brother god rest his soul being tied to a radiator in the bathroom with a belt while my 22 yr old mother ran the street andÂ left us, i remember being locked in a room for daysÂ with a skeleton key without food or water and being BEAT for sneaking out trying to find something to eat.Â i remember there being nothing in the house to eat and trying to eat potatoes to keep being hungry, making bread and syrup sandwiches taking a RISKÂ knowing id get beat if i got caught. the cats were our only friend. beingÂ “A” students in school was our way of gaining our mother APPROVAL and praise. til this day i have dreams of my mother coming back intoÂ our lives and then leaving us because she had better things to do to only wake up out my sleep in tears. i just wanted to be and feel ACCEPTED and loved.
Abuse mas my middle name. why have kids to mistreat them?
Alcohol made me feel good. It made me forget about every stressful thing ive ever endured. ppl think im crazy for bringing up the past but guess what? it happened and it is imprinted in the back of my mind forever! Ive fantasized about my own funeral to see whod show up and who would be hurt and who didnt care. but is it a good thing to die ,or a bad thing? i guess it all depends on how you carry yourself when you were alive and how good your relationship with God is. I know God would be very displeased if he felt that we did not appreciate our lives that he granted us.Â sometimes i look at kids and become saddened when i think about the cruel world that awaits them. thats why i REFUSE to bring another child into this world. i wish i had 1 father to all my kids and he was understanding and patient.
a prophet in church told me my family was being attacked by DEPESSION, it seems that almost eveyone on my MOMs side of the family was experiencing a mental challenge of some sort.Â she was soo pretty with long pretty hair and pretty brown eyes….but she was crazier than a betsy bug! but i didnt care, i still loved her. and maybe thats why i give the men in my life soo many chances because i feel like they dont mean it and need to be forgiven.
but back to the subject….death isnt the way out! because God made each and everyone unique and diffrent. and he sees the pain and the struggles we go though everyday.Â I know about feeling UNLOVED, if you must know there is someone who loves you, you just havent ran across them yet. just like theres a cure for cancer and aids…….just dont die before you can get it!
stay blessed and dont give up….. there’s no reward where theres no fight.
and oh yeah my mother at age 32 took what she THOUGHT was the easy way out. she’s no longer with us.