A black whole that sucks all of my energy, like a dark tunel, however there is no sign of any bright light at the end of it.
– That’s how I have been feeling for the past couple years.
Last year was the worst year of my life. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. I had never seen so much pain in my life, so much darkness. Even though I saw the light too, the strenght of one’s fight, all started being consumed by the darkness. Thankfully, everything is okey now, my mom has fully recovered. However, I feel like it just all hit me. I am in the middle of the black whole, and I have no more strenght in me to try and get out. It’s like I don’t even want to get out.
For over a year now, I just stare at the subway line and think of jumping, comtemplate the idea of jumping. I wish something could take me away. Everything hurts. Everything hurts so fucking much. I barely have the energy to type this. Is it fear to finally let myself be heard? Maybe. I have never talked to someone about how I really feel, how I wish I could just die, how I feel so sad, so empty, so worthless, that I just want it all to end. And today, I even pushed away my bestfriend/lover/confider, told him I couldn’t stand to hurt him anymore, that I wanted him to be happy. And the thing is, he didn’t fight back. Fuck, how that hurts. I feel alone, even though I know I am not. I have people around me who love me, a roof, food on the table, I should be happy, but I am not. I feel like I let everyone down, especially my parents. I am in a top university, however I can’t even pass one single subject. I have no motivation, no strenght. I feel like a disappointment. I can’t even cut myself properly – today was the first time I tried. I just wanted to feel something.
I feel like I am nothing. And I just want it all to end. But I also know that I don’t even have the courage to do it – well, mostly because I could never leave my mom, she is my everything, the reason why I am still here. But I just feel like shit.
I have no more tears to cry, I have cried so much lately. I know I’m supposed to feel like I have everything, but I feel like I have nothing. I feel empty. I sleep all day, and stay awake all night.
I am afraid of telling someone about how I feel. But then again, what is the point? If I have everything to have a happy life, and I don’t, how will someone help? They won’t, nothing will. I just wish it would all go away. I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up.
I know I’m starting to fall deep into that black hole, but I can’t help it.
My heart aches so much now – even physically. It’s almost like it wants to stop beating.
I feel weak, the strikes of strenght I used to have to deal with this are now gone.
I feel so weak that I feel that the wind could take me away – and I wish it did.
I don’t even know if I should be posting this here, it’s all too scary, but I can’t take this anymore, I’m so sick of it all.
11 comments
Have you tried any depression medicine? My dad was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and they thought he would only live a few months. Amazingly he’s still alive. My grandmother however, his mom, died of cancer and it was terrible. At least you have someone who cares about you and to live for, and although I understand the depression I’m confident you’ll get better and end up fine. Your mom got through her cancer with courage and medical attention. Have that same courage when facing your depression and at least try something to help you feel better. It can be anything that helps, something as simple as talking to a friend. I hope you feel better soon so you can focus on the important things in your life! Good luck!
I haven’t tried anything, only stuff to help me sleep. I am afraid that if I tell, people will say I am using this as an excuse to not doing well in uni. You see, there is a depression history in my family, so I’m just trying to deal with it on my own. But it’s starting to get unbearable.. I just want it all to end.
Don’t tell other people, just a doctor? Please don’t end your life, lots of people don’t even get into college. If people say your depression is an excuse, then they’re putting way too much pressure on you. You need to not worry about what other people want from you as much. I’m not trying to sound super relaxed, but you need time to yourself without stress every once in a while. Maybe you should take a semester off, get some medicine, and relax yourself, so that when you start up again you’ll be fully focused. Academics sound important to you, help yourself so you can achive your goals. Its like not running the day before a track meet so that you won’t be sore the day of it since you know you’re good enough to win.
The thing is, I don’t know if i’m good enought to win anymore.
And the main thing is that I am the one putting too much pressure on myself, I am aware of that, I have been like that ever since I was younger. But I can’t be any other way. I should be able to do this stuff – but I can’t. I’m not strong enough anymore.
And I don’t know how to go to a doctor without my parents finding out, and the private ones are too expensive.
There’s no way out.
I put too much pressure on myself for a long time. You need to learn to stop and relax and that everything is fine. That’s coming from a highschooler who’s OCD, writes in cursive with a fountain pen, and has a 3.8 gpa. I don’t know what to do about money. I’m not very experienced there. My only thought is could you borrow the money from someone that wouldn’t tell your parents about it and pay them back later? I would help if I could but I couldn’t pay for that either. You could ask ten people for smaller amounts of money if you had to.
Can I ask how you stop putting pressure on yourself?
I dont want to ask people for money..
And you don’t sound like someone from highschool, you sound wiser. I just hope it wasnt something awful that made you “grow up” so fast.. (i hope this doesn’t come off as something negative, not supposed to). Cus I know from experience that when something bad happens, that is when you have to face reality and grow up. Just you sound like a nice person. (this is my weird way of thanking you for listening to me).
To stop pressurizing yourself, for one thing, I recommend making a list of everything you have to do and when it needs to be done by and divide it up and work on things slowly and leave time to enjoy yourself. That helps me get everything done on time and still have time for personal stuff. Also, don’t compare yourself to other people. That was something I always did that really made things hard. You also have to be happy with how you’re doing, but at the same time learn from your mistakes. I’d also say that if there’s one area or class you have trouble with then make sure you put your extra effort in to that. These are all things I try and I think they’re simple, but that doesn’t make them easy. Another thing is you have to enjoy yourself at some point. It can be doing something fun, or something relaxing, or just anything for yourself that puts you in a good mood. Sometimes I take a break from my essay and go get a hot shower and then come back to it, just stuff like that. I hope this helps, I always try to and I wish about the something awful you mention, I wish I could say I just watched the evening news too much, but that’s not exactly true. I also feel the need, not because of what you’ve said, but just for anyone who reads this and because of the website we’re on that cutting does not count as a relaxing or happy activity.
Sleep helps too, I’ll be back on tommorow if you want to talk more. Actually, I guess I mean tonight.
I know sleep helps, but I have a lot of troubles falling asleep (thus the sleeping pills). If you’re still available to talk I’d appreciate it. If you also want to talk, I’m also here. Email me at claire.01tt@gmail.com if you’d like.
Your “first confession” particularly resonated with me because my 15 year-old son committed suicide three months ago. I wanted to try to get into his mind to try to understand the depths of his despair. Your descriptive narrative of the pain and the suffering you have endured helped me to try to imagine what my precious son must have felt when he took his life. Your comments lingered with me and I couldn’t get the description out of my head about what it feels like to have depression. When I tried to find your comment again I couldn’t find it. I have spent the last three days trying to find what you wrote. I am so happy to be able to find it again. I would simply urge you to reconsider your thoughts about suicide. No matter how much you are suffering, your death by suicide will surely put even more suffering upon the shoulders of those you leave behind. I imagine that my own pain greatly exceeds the pain my son was experiencing. Help is available, hazelleys. Talk to someone in a position to help you find relief. Confide in your mother and any other trusted family members who may be available to you. Medication is available to help you. No one can help your family, though, if you subject them to the cruel outcome of your death by your own hand. I wish you peace and improvement. Give it time.
DevastatedDad, I would like to send you a proper reply to your comment. I don’t know if it might help in any way, or if reading about depression/suicidal thoughts might make you feel even more sad. Anyways, it is really up to you if you’d like to hear it. If so, send me an email at claire.01tt @gmail.com (without the space). I’m asking to send it through email because it is rather a personal reply. If you don’t want to hear anything else about the subject, I also understand, and I am truly sorry about what happened – I have also been there (although it wasn’t someone so close to me).