I’ve come to the realization that living with these suicidal thoughts will probably never go away. This is my first time trying out an online community for suicide/depression or what have you because I feel I am running out of options. I feel I have no one who I can talk to in my life about these issues due to the deep shame that comes with them. Even though I feel I have a good support system, I don’t like feeling like I’m burdening those I love with all this I go through on a daily basis.
Getting to the point, I’ve realized that I am too scared to actually harm myself with the intention of ending my life because I am too scared that I will survive the ordeal and end up in a way worse situation that I am now. So my question is, does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone accepted their situation like I have and found outlets that make life bearable and meaningful? I know it sounds like an oxymoron but….
A little background, I am 23, and I have tried almost everything, even taking pills to end my life but chickening out last minute. journaling, cutting, abusing drugs, partying, repression, sleeping all day, cognitive-behavioral exercises, exercising, immersing myself in work/school/volunteering, crying, seeing therapists, psychiatrists, I’m currently on Zoloft and my shrink wants to put me on Wellbutrin ….I have had moments where I feel happy and I feel I am actually making progress, but then I have moments where I just want peace and wish I could just drift into eternal sleep…and I feel even more pathetic knowing i’m too scared to end my own life…
12 comments
I’m the same, I want to die but I’m terrified to actually do it, so instead the thought just occupies my thoughts all the time
How do you deal, scar?
I used to feel as you’ve described, Maria_A–when I was in college. I saw a university psychiatrist who through my schooling had me on 12 different meds (sequentially). The side effects were devastating, but I never felt appreciably better. I also saw a therapist then who kept telling me, as did anyone else who “knew,” to hold on because things would get better. I wondered how anyone could know things would get better for another person, but I bought into the mantra. I hung on, through several bitterly failed relationships, the torturous death of my only parent, an isolationalist graduate program, an exploitative post-doc, and years of soul-killing isolation.
And so here I find myself, thing not having gotten better, and you know what? No one says anymore, “Hold on, things will get better!” Because they look at me and no longer see a struggling 21 year old. And even they recognize that if things have gone this badly for so long… Let me tell you a secret: as much as I want the freedom to commit suicide, I don’t want people I love saying to me, “Well, I’ve got lots of good things to live for, but hey, your life sucks, so you might as well go ahead.” Just makes me feel all the more alone–which is why I’m suicidal in the first place…
I’m also terrified of mucking up my own suicide. A gun (or the idea of one, at least) has become my sole solace. Instant, nearly guaranteed with a modicum of aiming precision, and painless. I’ve spent years looking at other methods and haven’t come upon one that offers the benefits of guns. And over the last 3 months planning is all I’ve done with my life.
Sorry for the long reply. Your post really touched a nerve. I hope things get much better for you–I sincerely do. Peace.
Hey NothingAmI
I appreciate the reply, I’m sorry to hear that things have not turned out the way you’ve planned, can I ask what you studied? I’m graduating in a few months with my degree in Psych (ironically) and the thought of planning my future is making me spiral again. I’ve also thought of using a gun. But 1) I’m totally against obtaining guns in the first place for ANY reason, so I don’t know, I don’t think I would actually get one since I’m really against them. And I don’t think I could get one with my “record”. 2) There is always a chance the gun won’t take either, i’ve read so many stories where people survive and are in terrible condition. Anyway, thank you for your kind words.
Maria_A
“Dr. Cuddy: It’s okay. You should be upset. He thought like you. Pushed boundaries like you. He…
House: If he thought like me, he would have known that living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it”
I’ve more or less resigned myself as well, assuming I never find the means to end it simply and without much chance for failure. The only comfort I have ever found in living miserably is by watching a fictional character. I know he’s not real, but so far it’s been easier living in misery than dying in it
House is also one of my all time favorite shows, and I too relate to his character. My favorite episode is House’s Head/Wilson’s Heart. I feel that perfectly describes the series in just those two part episodes. Best of luck.
Maria_A
there is no easy answer, we grit our teeth and push through because we are biologically primed to survive. things won’t necessarily get better, but fuck it, you got this life and you don’t know how things are gonna turn out, just keep working at it. believe me, there are a lot of shit that i knew could have been reversed through just hard work…
Do whatever feels right, not encouraging it or anything. But whatever you do, God will forgive you my friend. Trust me I’m “Awake” and not “Asleep” like Most of the human race is. *cough* *cough*
Maria_A, do you mind me asking what inspired you to enter psychology as a career? When you originally chose the field, had you had significant personal experience with the mental health industry? What about planning your future makes you so apprehensive?
I’m a theoretical physicist. Which is to say I don’t have a real job. For some reason my university and the government see fit to subsidize my carcass. I’d be long dead if I had had to hold down a true job. I also work with a team of physicians and psychologists on an NIMH grant to model mental health states. Being the expert here, you know that chronic depression is set to surpass heart disease as the number 1 incident health threat in the West by 2020. Isn’t that humbling?
I really liked your original post. You’re right, that it’s a burden to share with our loved ones or community members what we’re going through. They have their own problems, and I’ve found being honest is the best way to end, ultimately, a relationship. A friend of mine who teaches at Boise State wrote to me the other day that the best friendships are superficial ones that don’t demand much in the way of trust. They’re just about having fun. I’m ashamed to admit I agree with him.
So what ARE your coping mechanisms? How have you been making it through? I’m very, very curious.
I guess what led me to enter the psych field was my constant need to know why people acted the way they did. Besides physiological aspects, I’m also really interested in environmental/sociological factors that come with the field. I feel I have had personal experience in the mental health field before I began studying it. I started going to therapy (forced) since I was in middle school and I can remember feeling depressed since elementary school. I guess what I am most scared of is finding a job in May when I get my Bachelors. I’m getting substantial pressure from my brother, who I live with, to find work straight outta college and I’m terrified of disappointing him. And myself.
Wow, well I find your field of interest really interesting, did you ever consider teaching? I understand what you mean, unfortunately, society doesn’t understand the importance of analytic thinking. Like anthropologists, artists, or biologists, the jobs that come with these territories can be real limited. My brother is one of these people. He’s not too happy about me studying psych. He feels its a lost cause and I should have studied business, like him. But you should be proud of what you do, you studied something that sparked your interest, which is not much most people can say! Well considering how mental health drastically declines a persons physical health and how heart disease is linked the stress and anxiety those stats don’t surprise me.
Thanks, and I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way. But don’t give up on finding those people who will accept you regardless of your shortcomings. I know many people, but am really fortunate to have found a small group of people who I can talk to freely about my problems and have never abandoned me. I don’t do it often, but it’s nice to know they’re there no matter what. I really hope you can find these people. I feel the human race is selfish and cruel and I also keep this superficial facade with almost everyone I interact with. But please don’t stop trying to find these kind people that will accept you, it takes a looooong time to find them but it is well worth it in the end.
Honestly, I’ve regressed back to crying, repression, and isolation. I so badly want to start drinking again but I’ve come too far to go back to my old lifestyle now, so I feel it’s pointless. I know drugs only make me feel worse and I don’t want to go back that deep into the hole. I’m also throwing myself back into my work/school/volunteering. It does make me feel better. It gives me a sense of hope, little by little.
I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, however short this convo is. You don’t know how much I appreciate it! Know you’ve made an impact in my struggle!
Maria_A
BTW dman5505, I totally agree, thanks for the response!
Maria_A,
would you like to chat with me! i’m all fucked up and drepressed Too! 🙂
looking for a pen pal? recycling1000@ yahoo.com