for u nonfish

im from a little country in the caribbean. my whole life ive lived with terrible social anxiety. i shut down when i try to be around anyone. its prevented me from growing up and becoming anything. im 24 now.

when i was younger i got the chance to live in england w my aunt. she saw i had no life here with deadbeat family. i had dropped out of school and slept through the day.

years were difficult in england. my problems eventually got me sent back home.

i live now w my parents and every day is the same. i never go out and i dont have any friends. ive tried to go to school here several times but my anxiety always beat me. i spend pretty much my whole day in my room.

but none of this really matters. in fact i learned pretty well to say fuck it to alot of things. accepted my fate on the shit end of the universe. what hurts the most is that for all of those years i had one significant friend online. and now he is gone. a very beautiful kind person from indiana who showed me support and love. we spent every day together. watching movies. tv. everything.

he was terminally ill. with muscular dystrophy. he had a sciency mind but was perceptive about ppl. a lover of everything smart and artful. for all those years we chatted pretty much every day and we meant everything to each other.

just before christmas he passed away. i was devastated. since then ive wanted to finally end my life. i would of done it before, but life was somehow alittle more bearable with him alive too. to have his understanding and his words. i knew he would die eventually. his health was failing. i used to tell myself ill kill myself when he is gone. he never complained about his misery. he just loved me rly strongly. i cry so much when i think about him and his cruel illness and how he never complained and gave me so much love.

i cant believe it is february. i wanted so much to die in january. ive wanted to die since i was on the plane back home here. i told myself that i just wanted a few years of peace at home. because england was so difficult and it hurt me. then i would die. i cant believe ive been living this sad life for so long.

im glad i outlived u nonfish. it would of hurt you too much to see me succumb to it all. there were times i thought i needed to leave you. but you were always the best thing in my life. i miss your love. i miss ur interests. i miss ur amorousness. ive rly wanted to write a letter to your family. but i dont know what to say. i dont know how to thank them for your life. how much you meant to me. im sorry you had to see so much loneliness and depression eat away at me. im sorry i couldnt be at ur funeral. missing u will give me the strength to do this final thing.

i want to make sure i do it right. i plan to use ********. i found a company that will sell me a 55cf tank and a regulator. my plan is to do it at a hotel. i cant do this at home because i dont want my parents to find my body. i keep having these ups and downs that make it hard to focus on my plan. somedays i cant do anymore about it. somedays im only interested in starcraft. today i am utterly miserable and angry at myself for losing focus. for procrastinating. if anyone truly wanted to be a friend to me they would help me perform this plan correctly. but theres no one i can talk to. a mistake that leaves me brain damaged is my worst fear.