Another Night I Almost Did

Last night was just an all around bad night. My girlfriend needed to go to the hospital and I offered to go with her, but she said “no” because I need to sleep for school, understandable. And then my boyfriend said he will go with and she jumped at the idea which honestly just bugged the shit out of me. I mean, how in the world did it make sense that she only wanted him with her. I just was so mad. And then again I was bothered because they just automatically assumed I will watch their 2 year old daughter. And yes, I know I’m “family” and it shouldn’t be such a big deal to watch their kids but it is so confusing on how to be apart of a family when 2/3 of us aren’t even sure it will make it to tomorrow. and they say if it does not last that it won’t change, that the kids will still be apart of my life if i want them to, but it changes EVERYTHING. I won’t be that other “mother” figure so it just frustrates everything between me and them. I want to be able to be here forever. but none of them but me are hopeful that it will last. So, Yeah I get frustrated and pissed. And I wasn’t meaning to make such a big deal about watching the kids and them not asking. But they laid Jocelynn down in bed and she was asking me for a hug and kiss from me. But I said no, hold on, not right now. And apparently Jocelynn kept asking for me. And Sam called me a selfish ***** and that i was throwing a pity party because I had to watch Jocelynn. I mean I was so pissed. And I just wanted to scream and I did. And almost woke up baby Connor. And she continued to make me feel like shit so I said “well, we wouldn’t t be in this mess if you wouldn’t have been selfish and spread your legs wide open for another man, other than your husband” and she was like i’m sick of your shit get out. And I called my mom. And my mom told me to put on my big girl panties and to take care of my shit with her. So I tried sitting down but she just was not possible to talk to. I explained how she hasn’t been emotional with me, or acting as if she wants me here. And she said that she closed down after I said I wanted to take a break. Which I had said so that her and Glenn can get their life situated. And she just said that it’s my fault that she is closed down. And then she said because I don’t have a job, and am not helping to financially support this family, and haven’t cooked dinner that i am at fault. And that it is expected of me to watch her kids and to clean the house. And continued to make me feel like shit for not yet having my drivers license and no job. But I have been looking but it is nearly impossible to get a job while your still in school. So that’s fucked up. And I have been talking to other people and reading the D.L. manual online and at home when I had a chance and because she doesn’t see me do it, i’m apparently not doing it. And I explained that I wanted to get a part time job while going to university in August and then I wanted to do a work study program at school But she was like but how are you going to do that if you are going to spend as little time at school as possible so you can watch the kids? And I get so frustrated because if I left, what would she do without me? When she works, who will watch the kids, and take care of them make them dinner, put them to bed, etc? She really hasn’t thought about the difference I make in the family and it is frustrating. So last night after they went to the hospital, i went to the bathroom pulled out my razor and pressed it against my skin and just wanted to pull it across but i couldn’t i was so mad, but then Jocelynn woke up and I had to pick up the pieces and calm her down…. i still want my razor.