im an outcast. i wish i was normal, i wish i wasnt this broken. maybe they’d like me then. maybe i’d be accepted. but it wont happen. i dont know how to fight the demons in my head and i have no energy left to do so. where my heart should be,its empty. if you look close enough,in every picture of mine,my eyes just look dead. they are dead. arent they the windows to your soul.
im completing the process; the date’s may 24th. its a friday. noone will know,probably. this time it will work, i have everything i need im sure its enough to […]
March 2013
My last little plan didnt quite work out. But it never does, does it?
Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to an interview. It’s not the interview that’s stressing me out, it’s the drive. There is a 30% chance I’ll crash my car into a southbound concrete overpass on my way there. There is a 50% chance I’ll crash my car into a northbound concrete overpass on the way back. For this reason, I asked my only friend for a ride, but she said she has plans to hang out with her other friend all day. I wish I could reveal everything, but that has never helped […]
I’m really sorry I made this so long but if anyone can read and respond I’d be very grateful.
When I was in 3rd grade, I transferred out of my elementary school and went to a different one. However, when I got to the new school, I was always bullied. I don’t know why, but people just never seemed to like me. I would sometimes get beat up and kicked around at recess. I remember one particular day when they lured me behind a tree in 4th grade and 3 guys beat the hell out of me. Sure, my parents went and talked to the teachers […]
I know I’m not living. I wish everyday not to wake up. I don’t believe in god because he doesn’t except my wish, to be gone. If I could tell someone anyone that ime here screaming for help would they come? I mean literally its my decision to go if someone misses me its there fault they didn’t show they cared. It is just my faul I’m gone not living is great. Not living means not caring. Especially not being hurts
I’m new here, but I’ve been following this site for a few months now. I tried committing suicide almost a year ago. I was hospitalized for about 3 days before going into a psychiatric hospital for a week. It scared the hell out of me. I promised myself I never wanted to end up there again. The only people that know about this are my parents and my sister I was too ashamed to tell my best friend or any other family members. I did actually tell one friend from online but she completely laughed at me. Told me I was such a wuss  trying to commit […]
I woke up this morning, it was awful.
Tomorrow, I have my first shrink appointment in two years. I’m anxious, my heart sinking at the thought of it. The last time I was in her office, I told her about being raped. She made me tell my mom, even drove me home so she could be sure I would do it. But, being poor, I cant afford another one in town.
I’m near tears, not excited about this, but my boyfriend needs me to seek professional help, whether he’ll admit it or not. I don’t think he can take my shit anymore. I hurt inside, I ache. […]
Lock the key to my heart. Never again will I let my pain start. Its now just healing, no sorrow to show, that love can hurt. But I will grow into the women that I know. Sometimes love will let you go…Hold your breath, forget,forgive. And it will show he’ll miss you dearly when you go. Be the person your happy to be. Until death takes part, when you’ll be let free. Freedom does last, it does show. Everyone has their opinions, so just let it go. Tomorrow is another chance to show to just have fun being me, until ill let go. Sometimes I […]
well a lively chat today. i was surprised that you had already read last nights post. and surprised that you would be offended by that surprise. seriously my cynicism has everything to do with my self loathing and not your personal or professional capabilities. my previous therapist never called me at the hut . and i know that i am just one of many that you see. i did notice by the way that you zinged me pretty good. yes i know that killing myself would leave a mess for others to clean up. both literally and figuratively. i also know that my family and […]
The blade is calling your name.
You leave in a flood of pain.
Your heart falls out of your chest.
and here you are….
facing death.
Your tears they fall with magnitude.
These people don’t know what they did to you.
They killed your inner life and stole,
the only thing that made you whole.
You try to fight this blackened life,
you try so hard just to survive
And it takes all you got
not to grab a knife,
write out a letter,
and say goodbye.
And as I watch through windows,
that most call eyes,
I watch the world crumble,
I watch the worlds demise.
And I’ll […]
i don’t think i need to worry about being lonely or about not being cared for. anyways what’s the big deal….everybody has their own things to worry about, why would they think of you or how to help you… if you need help, help yourself … hey i am not saying this to anybody else, i am saying it to myself… i have decided not to kill my self … i can’t do it coz that would give my mom a lot of problems to handle… and she doesn’t deserve it… not after single handedly taking care of me and my sister after my dad […]
My parents saw my cus and flipped of course. then say i need to go to a psychiatrist again and this guy seems to not understand or give a crap…..i just want to know what to do, how to feel at least ok. I want help. I want to be ok. But nothing works i tried it all and nothing. I can be doing a million things and i still can’t stop thinking about everything thats wrong.
I cant stop thinking about dying….i just want to die. i want just stop breathing.
All i think about is the next time i can cut myself, when my relatives leave […]
Everyday is getting tougher. I’ve not only lost the family I created with my wife but I can’t seem to find anyone who cares for me. I’m a fat ugly slob who sleeps with prostitutes so he can feel the tiniest shred if intamacy. I am trying to belong to a world that I don’t fit into. Not that I am trying to fit into any particular category that people try to identify themself with. I just don’t fit in anywhere. I am truly a misfit.I can make friends , laugh and pretend to have fun but its ultimately lacking truth and substance. I feel […]
I can’t think straight….I’m literally thinking about ending my life. My heart is saying ‘keep going you’ve made it this far’ but In my head. I’ve just about given up…. It hurts me… So much to know that if I end my life, so many people will be depressed. I have a lot of good friends but….. I still feel hollow… Like something is missing…. But the worst part is I’m CONSTANTLY crying and I CAN’T stop! No matter how hard I try!!! I can’t keep living this way. I’m trying not to give up, I’m trying to be as happy as I can but in […]
“wake up” no one says and she rises to a lonely cold morning, its only four and shes not tired.. she walks to the kitchen, feet padding softly on the white tile. The bright glow from the fridge lights up half of the small apartment and she sighs. “thanks for the dinner.” she muttered in pain, the girl hadn’t eaten in two days because everyone else got to the fridge first. after a burning hot shower she stood in front of the steamy mirror staring at her horrid reflection.. tan skin, almost boy short tangled hair and scars on her face.. the girls took her […]
i dream of walking to it
my home
to count the crooked bricks
fall onto the too long grass
smell the juniper
go through the white door
with the lion knocker
walk through the rooms
the familiar spaces
and patterns on the floor
remember all the voices
all the sorrow
all the joy
through to the back yard
over old redwood planks
lawn surrounded by fruit trees
orange blossoms
to lay under the great mulberry
to gaze up into its branches
and broad green leaves
watch the light dance
and the sky dance
then peacefully
close my eyes
It’s getting to me, my my feelings are finally catching up to my head. I can’t take what they say even though what they say is not true..I hate it, just hiding myself in my room watching movies all day or play video games, not texting a signal friend, just sitting here thinking instead, only coming out to eat. It was good for a while but now it’s bad gain you see that’s why I ended up here again.
Another bad week… Summer was great and now at class return my life come back to be a bullshit… They hacked my facebook profile and say terrible things about me and i never do anything wrong.
now after 3 months i start cutting again… Why its seems to be the only way? I feel ignored I feel a nothing and good on nothing.
I spend a summer trying to think that this would never happen again
its really another day in paradise?
i feel them cutting but thers nothing in my hands
i feel the blood runing down my vanes and in to the open air
can you feel it
can you smell it
im loosing controle
im not loosing fath
im fighting back genst a brick wall
and for some reson that i dont understand im loosing
im loosing agenst an objet
look at the wold fall
look at the them stand tall
help me rase a call
a fighting withdrol
im lost
not fownd
im dead
not drownd
im cold
not cool
im something that you will never understand i feel
i feel
i feel
i feel
i look at my arm
look at the blood
look at the cut that cerculs my wrist
look at me fall
look
look
look
hes gon at last […]
Ive had a vedy fucked up two years.. i already prepare for death.. i sled off the road lastnight.. and for 5 seconds i just new i was going to hit a tree and die.. my point is.. i wasnt scared.. i was ready and hoping.. when i relised after hydroplaning at 80 miles an hour sideways then in to a large field.. it being dark i couldnt see anything.. then sliding at about 60 miles an hour into the grassy side median.. im very suprised i only had 3 flat tires.. i landed 3 feet from the tree sideline.. damn how i wish in […]
This will be one messed up post because I’m messed up. To put that honestly straightly in the beginning. But I guess something comes out of this. Or I don’t know, every hour of work produces something. And someone more clever than me recommended doing this so here I am. I don’t know what my problem exactly is. I just don’t know where to go. Or what should I do with my life. There are so many people here and they have most horrible stories and mine wouldn’t be anything to compare. Not like we should compare or anything. Hah, I’m happy if someone make […]