I know that most of you won’t read this or care or anything but, I am depressed. I feel so worthless, stupid and I feel like a disappointment of a human being. I’ve seen amazing people on the news and at school that  do incredible things for everyone and then I’m just there, wasting space and not doing anything.  When I first started to feel this way, I was only 11  and I thought that God hated me and that he was putting me through hell for a test but, that isn’t fair. Its been a year now and I still feel the same crap. The sad part is that if I were to tell someone, they wouldn’t believe me. I’ve wanted to tell my mom but, I know how she acts and she would probably assume that I was saying that to get attention, when the real reason that I am depressed is because of her. I’ve tried telling friends that I was really closed to. They either laughed, didn’t believe me or they thought I was weird/ stupid. There was this one friend that I told (the first person I told), and he understood and he actually helped me a lot but, not enough because he stopped talking to me after. I wasn’t even that religious  before but, I was so desperate that I started  to talk to God. He didn’t do anything, as if my life was just a movie and he did nothing but watch me suffer. This makes me doubt my religion too. Sometimes I just don’t want to believe in anything. If I died, life would be much easier and i basically take the easy way for everything. The only reason that I won’t kill myself already is because even though my family made my life a living hell, I wouldn’t hurt them like that annnd most people at school would think that I did it for attention, it isn’t like anyone would notice that I left.  If you read this far, thanks and if you didn’t I understand 🙂
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hmmm, interesting.
I read it all through and I care and the writing it was too short, I would have liked to read more. The kind of things that you relate, when you mention that you cut are not things that other kids understand nor are kids able to handle when someone is depressed. They don’t understand what it is and start reacting as it could be expected from them, evasively, disregarding it, insensitively etc.
These are things for a more evolved mind. I don’t want that you cut yourself, because when you do, you are cutting me too in a worse way. It causes me pain in the soul and because you are far away, well I don’t know where you are, I cannot sit down and listen and chat with you. So we have to do something about it, write more if you want to solve this and with regards to your mother, again, it can be that she does not understand. Not all adults are in the situation, with intelligence or sensitivity to recognize how serious or delicate things are. They wave it because they failed to realize, not so much because they don’t care.
So, keep writing and if you prefer you can further write me to my email and we take it from there because we really have to stop that cutting. I live on the Russian border.
hugs
O
People like myself understand where you are coming from. But in reality if you continue to live you will learn that there is no underlying purpose or meaning, you have to give your life purpose and meaning. It takes time, and is very hard.. especially with how you are feeling at such a young and vulnerable age. Look for the little things in life to appreciate… like feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin… or taking a really deep breathe and breathing out all of your frustrations through that one long steady exhale.
One other piece of advice I will offer seeing as you are young, don’t take life for granted. We all get one shot right now… try to send out the energy and emotions to everything outside yourself that you would like returned.
Thanks for advice and i understand that it is overwhelming for people but, at least i have friends like you to talk to 🙂 i’ll email you soon 🙂
Hey Koti! I think that appreciating the little things in life will help a lot and maybe this is all just some strange stage that im going through. i know people have it worse than me and maybe i should appreciate that as well. Thanks for the advice i’ll try it out 🙂
Take it from me… I am now 26 and have been going through this on and off since I was 12. I used to think it was a stage I was going through too, but then I realized that it actually runs a lot deeper than this. It never really gets easier, just how we decide to handle things can help us to adapt and appreciate things for what they are. If it were not for the small things, I would have been gone from this world a long time ago.
I wish you best of luck in your journey through life. Remember, the journey is not going to be easy, but at the end of it we should find rewarding the experiences our life brought to us. Good luck friend 🙂
Eh, this is a late reply but what the hell.
You are not and should not feel worthless, especially someone of your age.
You may find that you can’t relate to a lot of people and they may disappoint because they can’t comprehend that level of suffering.
But eventually you will find compassionate people that will understand.
And one day, when you get through this and are older and wiser, you will be able to help someone who was in a similar situation as yourself.