Feeling overwhelmed again and feel that crazy need to DO something; so I am going to write as honestly as I can in hope of clearing my head and maybe helping others to not feel so alone..

I am 19 years old, going to a community college in hopes of learning everything I can about computers and eventually getting a PhD. (programming and hacking take me to a different place, a place where I am extremely intrigued and life actually seems interesting because there is so much to it.)  Normally I just get tired of waking up to the same routine everyday, not so much that I need to kill myself, but to the point where I have almost tried every modern anti-depressant with no luck and have suicidal thoughts often enough to realize something is not right.  My parents recently got divorced which doesn’t bother me thaaat much, but what really hurts is my ex-girlfriend was forced to leave her home by her parents to go to college in a different state.  When my parents got divorced she helped me through it; helped me process all the feelings and emotions.  She also just had a way of always smiling and enjoying life that somehow sparked and interested me in life.  When she left for college we promised each other all these things that in love young people would generally say when they are about to be split up.  She left and I was forced to move up north to a small quite town with my mom to further pursue education and get away from my unhealthy father. (Only reason I lived with my dad was because I was with her and her family ALL the time and really felt loved by them)

Sooo I slipped into a deep depression and MY ANXIETY surfaced after she left.  My anxiety caused panic attacks about everyday which would cause me to hyperventilate and freak out the neighbors by running as fast as I can around the neighborhood at 3am…  They really make you feel like you are going to die.  I have always lied about the cause of my anxiety and I am going to type it now.. When she left I started having intense anxiety of her having sex with other guys.  (we were planning on getting married and were saving actual intercourse for marriage as we were both raised in religious families.)  Now I realize this is probably typical for a decent amount of the population, but for me it is an extreme cause of embarrassment.  To be honest, I was brought up in a STRICT religious family that said sex was wrong outside of marriage.  I always have this constant battle; I REALLY want to have sex with the girl I’m dating vs. I need to wait for my future wife, and if I do, my relationship with my future wife will be more special and my God will love me more.  Soo I guess what I am trying to say is I fear that I am going to end up with a girl that I cant feel as emotionally close with because she looks down on me for not having much sexual experience?  I cant pin point the exact anxiety cause but that’s my best guess.  I feel like such a loser just typing this.. everything I have grown up aside from my close family tells me to go have sex with as much girls as I can.. I just don’t want a bunch of meaningless sexual experiences in my head when I find the one I am truly meant to be with.  I want it to be something intensely special.  I wish I could pick one girl and just have her for life.  Why do I feel like I could never tell  anyone that and still feel like a “real man” ?

Anyways, she could not take the long distance relationship (got depressed her self which KILLED me inside as I could not be there to love on her) and broke up with me, which was understandable but caused me to become suicidal because of the emotional pain it brought me.  I have very low self esteem now and mostly just sit in my room reading books and books about computers.  I try to go “party” but mostly end up that one guy who is not very talkative in the corner on some form of mind altering drug because he is shy and doesn’t no anyone in this new town! :(  I try to work out and rock climb as often as possible but it is so hard with depression!  What really sucks is it has been around 6 months since she left for college and I STILL feel horrible, I still feel dry inside.  (My actual panic attacks have almost completely ceased, but I still feel that uneasy anxiety quite a lot.  Still miss her deeply.)  I am just tired of living.  I was so deeply in love with this girl that not having her just seems pointless.  I feel hurt that she would  break up with me and pursue other guys after we went so deeply down that “love rabbit hole”.  I am tired of waking up everyday pushing myself so hard to get through the day and enjoy life, and more importantly pushing myself to hide the depression and especially hide the anxiety from everyone.  I just feel SO alone.

I miss being able to lay on the couch with her and fall asleep in each others arms telling each other everything we fear, love, and hope for.  I miss seeing her everyday, miss seeing her face brighten up when I would pull up in her drive way and she would rush down stairs to jump in my arms and passionately kiss me.  I miss gardening with her mom and really feeling motherly love.  I miss watching sports with her dad and feeling love from a father figure.  I miss feeling apart of a healthy loving family.. I didn’t know what that was like.  I know that there is a good chance I will meet another girl, but at this point I just don’t have the energy to care.  I have dated enough girls recently.. I cant connect with them because I CANT be my self when I am using all my mental ability to hide this anxiety/depression..  I just cant be myself as hard as I try.. I guess it all seems so fake?  I am not exactly the most healthy person mentally right now, but I don’t want to be alone anymore.. I am so dry..I just cannot take it anymore.  It is all dry.  Suicide seems like such a nice easy way out.