Life just seems like a blur.

i remember when life was fun, it was exciting and adventurous. i remember as a little girl, sitting in class dreaming of growing up and travelling the world. i remember dreaming of the places i would go, and the things i would do. i remember dreaming of my career, and the love of my life. but now, i sit here in year 11. life seems to have gone so quickly, i walk through the hallways at school as a  nobody. invisible and unseen. bad thoughts running through my head, constantly. life seems to be a burden now, a task, something i must endure. yet no ray of sunshine at the end. no happy ending. my depression gets worse, and nothing seems to help. i often dream of dying, with tears of joy running down my face, only to realise it wasn’t real. i am constantly feeling guilty, as i pretend to be happy around my friends, my brothers and sister, the people at work, and most of all, my mum. i feel so guilty when i think about suicide, which is almost everyday. i don’t want to suicide, i want to be happy. but as life goes on i am constantly reminded by the bad things in my life, that i will never be happy. my life isn’t even that bad. sure everyone has tough situations and challenges, i am pretty well off. yet i still have the guts to want to suicide. how pathetic. there are so many people in this world in far worse situations and yet i think of suicide. i don’t know what to do, i go through life like a blur. i am not happy, i fake all emotions just to get by and i can never see the good in anything. it kills me inside. i hate feeling so pathetic and so weak, that i can’t even handle this much of the real world. and i know that i won’t do any good in my life, if i make it through. no matter how hard i try, the universe just seems to pull me back into depression. i don’t want to hurt my mum by committing suicide, i just think that, if  i live, i know i will only get addicted to drugs and alcohol and probably overdose. trying to numb the thoughts of reality. yet somehow, i am okay with that being my future. if it isn’t suicide, why not get addicted?