I can’t remember when I haven’t felt like I am  just waking up because I have to. If it was physically possible just to continue to sleep – I would. I hate facing the day. I drive home hurt and scared and angry every day. I fail as a wife, I fail at being what I feel I should at my job…I am a burden of misery to my best friend whom I ***** to every day. She moves to Germany soon and I know our friendship will fade away. Every day is the same. Most nights during the week I just cry myself to sleep.
People keep themselves at a distance. I fake my misery all day and give the impression that I am only tired…only if they only knew what I felt on the inside they would be shocked. I am in a leadership position in my organization and so far in my career I have been successful although I have no idea how. I feel that at any moment someone is going to find out that I am not strong, and that I am weak and pathetic and a complete farce.  I work so hard, but I feel like I am failing and never can put in enough. 60 hours a week isn’t enough, caring about people with all I have isn’t enough. I am so incredibly exhausted. I feel like I am letting people down all around me.
I have been ugly my whole life and picked on for it…the shape of my face even bothers me now at 35 years of age.
I don’t think I could ever hurt myself because I know the pain it would cause my parents, but I know that things will never significantly improve. I am a hyper sensitive person with significant anxiety. I struggle just to get through every day. I am tired of feeling disconnected with everyone. I am tired of feeling ugly and flawed.
I am certain that I will die alone some day. I have no kids and no prospects of it iny futre. My parents are in their 60’s and not healthy. They are so important to me. I have tried to reconnect with my brother, and he could care if he never heard from me again.
I have lost hope. I don’t even know where to look for it.
4 comments
I wonder if you have a younger sister, some Barbie that is an attention whore? Thanks for sharing a part of your story erinphantom and welcome aboard.
Thanks for the welcome.
No, a younger brother. I just look strange due to my face shape and have been picked on for it for years…even into adulthood. I realize at 35 I need to accept how I may look….but it’s affected me for so long that I wince at the slightest comment. I take things very seriously (although sarcastic) and I am sincere in just about anything I say related to people. I think it puts people off somehow. I am lonely for feeling connected with others and somehow I am fucking it up. I am fair, polite and try to not be judgmental of others, but rather supportive because I feel like there are tons of people in the world waiting to tear each other down. I have come to view the world as a dangerous and brutish place when it comes to human beings. I am simply scared of letting them know the real me – the one who is angry, depressed, disappointed, disgusted and tired because I am certain they will be ready with the gloves on ready to take a swing. I am guarded and just really lonely. I am so critical of myself that I couldn’t bear it to hear any additional criticism. The criticism over my life has worn me down. I fake it so well that no one knows.
Yesterday was a rough day…today will be easier because I don’t have to face anyone. I don’t have to worry about whether everything I say and do is acceptable to someone else. I realize that is pathetic and truly should not give a shit as to what others think, but alas – I do.
I am restless…ready to drive off, away. Unsatisfied with everything in my life. Just incredibly sad. Not in a ‘feeling sorry for myself’ way, because I realize I have control, but I feel paralyzed. I do all those ‘things’ we are supposed to be doing to make ourselves feel better, but it doesn’t work for me anymore. Somewhere along the way I lost hope and lost my way. I am so scared that this is how things will always be. I will just live this life where I feel flatlined. I am joyless. I love my pets, my husband, my few close friends, some of my memories and my family….but I haven’t really felt joy in so long. I didn’t know I could feel physical pain from being this way, but I just ache. I wake up and I can’t wait for the day to be over so I can go back to bed.
You’re in touch with your feelings, and you seem to see their truth and value. You’re probably what’s called a “highly sensitive person,” and a deep thinker.
Give yourself credit it’s not just because of insecurities but also because you’re trying to live as properly as you can neck deep in a world of compromises. It’s quite a pickle think of someone in your shoes and how they probably deserve to order in some chicken wings and pizza.
Thank you, coitus. I plan to go play with my puppy. He is all teeth and hair and I could watch him play for hours.
** A hug to you for responding to me…sometimes I lose faith in human beings. Then someone like you who doesn’t even know me tells me to lift my chin.