Hi

hi i dont really know where to start but i guess i can start by saying im suicidal. ive been depressed for a long time and im still not sure why. i really wish i could have the courage to tell someone but i dont . im too scared they’ll make fun of me or will worry too much and i dont want that. i really know i need help but im just not sure why im so scared to tell. my dad is so understanding that he could help and my mom could help too i just dont know… i also dont know why  i want to kill myself or why i want to hurt myself why im so sad most of the time. i dont and i want to know. it scares me. and when i cut myself i dont realize im doing it until its done. one moment i pick up the razor the next im setting it down, shaking and crying, bleeding all over my arms and legs. i know what i should do and thats tell someone but like i said im too scared to tell anyone . my thoughts have been really bothering me and i decided i wanted to get them out somewhere so im putting them here. i hope you understand im actually sure you will. i just need the courage to speak up. every time im about to say it my throat closes up and i cant talk anymore my heart starts pounding and i start shaking. i really really really really wanna tell someone and get help but im such a coward that i cant. i feel like crying most of the time and when im not actually crying im covering up my pain and sadness with big smiles and laughing when in reality im dying inside.then i start thinking about saying it and finally geting the courage and i get scared i know if i wait too long something bad’s going to happen. i guess i just want to be able to walk into a hospital by myself and say ‘im very depressed and i want to kill myself’ and get better. im too scared. this sounds so pathetic doesn’t it? yeah i know i sound like an attention whore or someone who just wants pity and i know theres people with bigger problems but i just feel horrible i just wanna be done with feeling horrible.it really hard being so unhappy. i try being so happy bu that just makes me feel worse at the end of the day. i know it’ll get better though…right? thats what they always say ‘it’ll get better just keep fighting’ but i dont really feel like fighting anymore and when is it gonna get better? its been 3 years and im still waiting. i just want it to get better now. not in another week, month, or year. now. why cant it just get better now? i just want to escape the feeling of wanting to die even if its for a little while. just to see what it feels like again to be purely happy.