I’m not sure how to say this, I’ve never posted on something like this before. But I quit.
I’m turning 18 in almost 2 weeks, but I don’t think I’ll last that long. I’m depressed, I have been for a while, but instead of accepting that and finding a way to cope with it, my dad is ignoring it. I really noticed it after my mom passed away a year and a half ago. Granted, it’s normal to be sadder than usual during that time, I realize this. To try and cheer up, I tried looking back at the time before we learned she had cancer, back when life was supposed to be carefree, 7th grade for me. I wasn’t that girl wearing too much makeup, I wasn’t the shy little girl with books, I wasn’t the energetic bubbly everyone-loves-her kid. I was that girl who would walk along with her hand trailing on the school buses. I’m sure from a distance it would appear I’m playing with wind or something but honestly, I was wondering how much pain I would experience before my skull cracked enough for me to stop feeling things. Not long enough, I’d decided.
I’ve been trying to handle this problem for a while, and it’s gotten worse the past couple weeks. All my attempts to let someone know have backfired, my older siblings keep telling me to get a job, sleep more and fall in love, my younger brother just kind of gives me space and my dad doesn’t even let me finish speaking before telling me I need to sleep more and stop being a *****. I’m at the end of my rope, not literally. I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t kill myself though. Every time I consider it, I think about how hard my mom struggled to live without giving up and it hurts because I know she would be disappointed in me. She approved of everything I did, all my life choices, but she wouldn’t let me live like this. She’s not here anymore though, and my dad isn’t exactly covering for her.
I guess I’m posting this because I need to rant because there’s nothing anyone can do other than alert the mental health people near me. I don’t want to die, I’m not religious but I know suicide is wrong. Still, it’s starting to look like the only way to stop this feeling of not being worthy of life.