I quit.

Hetalia,

My mom is dying of ovarian cancer and when she needs me the most, she’s doing everything possible -financially, emotionally – to get me into treatment and find a way to help me want to wake up in the morning. I am angry and pissed about her being sick when, just as it sounds in your family, although she doesn’t always get what’s happening with me because I’m incredibly sick, she tries. When she’s gone, I already have big plans for going on a huge drug bender and hopefully overdosing.

Some dream, huh? I am devastated to hear of your mother’s passing. Empathy for you and sympathy and fear for myself. You are not giving yourself enough credit when you say it’s just supposed to be a sadder time than usual. It sounds like the people in your family are very midwest traditional men – don’t cry, don’t talk about it; the way to get better is to just do it.

Over the years, I’ve had to abandon people in my family. Sometimes for good, sometimes just for a little bit until we can mend things. I feel the SAME as you do. Every day I pray that I can feel empty enough to end it. For one thing, I am a very spiritual person and I’m not exactly sure what will happen after I kill myself. But I’ve even gotten over the shame and hurt it would cause other people because I am in that much pain. However, I still haven’t killed myself, never really come close except hurting myself when I was high. I think there’s a reason for it.

Unfortunately, your family and your dad might never understand. When I first told my dad that I got on medication, he was livid. It became a discussion all about his feelings and how I should’ve came to him and talked it over. We didn’t speak for most of my freshman year of college except for him to send money which he was obligated to do. I was scared, ashamed, and the doctor I saw sucked ass and I hated the medication…and I felt BETTER. As crazy as it sounds, I bumped up at least 1 measly point in self esteem and towards getting better just by going. It sounds so stupid to say but I had never had the courage or the confidence to say “I fucking DESERVE to get better” until that moment.

That was several years ago. I still haven’t found the right medication but I did find a therapist I’ve been with for 3 years. It took at least 7 times to find someone and when I found her, she truly helped not only save my life but validated me. I’m sick. I hate saying it but it’s true. I have a massive chemical imbalance in my brain, I was molested my stepfather and will never tell my parents, I am a drug addict and alcoholic (in recovery now) – in the last six months, 3 of the most important people I’ve known died. There is some fucked up stuff happening in my head telling me that my life isn’t worth living despite all physical evidence to the contrary from those around me.

I’m sorry for the rant when it’s you who needs someone to listen. It just sounds like you want to at least TRY to get help but you’re getting shamed out of it. I’ve been clean for 3 years and sober for 17 months; in AA there’s a saying ‘you have to be willing to go to any lengths to get it’ and I am, both in my sobriety and my mental illness. If you WANT to get better and you think counseling or medication or something besides a fucking nap will help, DO IT! No offense to your family, but they have millions of testimonies, not to mention medical fucking evidence, going against them if they say counseling won’t work. They’re the ones who aren’t strong enough to admit they’re having feelings they can’t handle.

Throughout most days, I feel like you did trailing your hand along the school bus. I feel like any moment my brain about to bust out of it’s skull casing with all the sadness and emotions and anxiety and hyperactivity and AHHHH. But yesterday, I had like 5 straight hours of feeling good. I found one of my best friend’s is getting married. Normally I wouldn’t give a fuck but I got excited. I felt HAPPY and oh my god it had been at least 3 months since I felt genuine happiness. Today I feel pretty crappy again though yesterday is screaming at me saying ‘You can feel like this again! I promise!’

Google self-help groups in your city, grief groups, do a search on depression services. The money aspect can be tough but if you want it, you can find help. I know you’re turning 18, maybe you’re still in high school then. No matter how uncomfortable, just try talking to a counselor or a teacher or advisor that you remotely like. I promise you will find people who won’t say ‘you just need more sleep’ or to ‘get a boyfriend’.

Thinking about you.