Lost.

I was scared .. I am scared. Everyone needs saving, even I do. I need it but I don’t want it. I don’t want the cliched lecture that things will get better or the sympathetic conversation that reveals your place in our relationship that you’re there for me.  I don’t want empty words to stall my decisions or help me to even consider changing my mind. I think about it all the time. I have set myself to learn to be content with death. I think of where my soul might go .. drifting through the darkness and blackness of empty space that seems to go on and on forever. Just a space that no one talks about where I float emptier than before in quiet space. Kept Quiet & Locked Inside. Slow subtle movements just drifting without thoughts. Without curiosity beyond where I was and what I was doing. No last breathes and no goodbyes .. No rules and regulations. Nothing. Nothing at all. Not even the greater things in life. No love, sadness, or anger. Just .. emptiness and complete lack of wonder. I’m within and without trying to fight this feeling, this hurt. Closing my eyes and breathing, trying to focus on the good not the bad. But I can never seem to find it, maybe because of my own selfish reasons .. trying to build sympathy and pity for myself. Trying to convince myself to take my last breathe and think my last thought. Looking within myself to just even write this because not yet do I know myself. Maybe I have before but maybe now I am.. Lost. Lost trying to fight the fog that clouds my mind with these negative thoughts..