Depression is killing me and its getting worst. Every morning i wake up defeated wishing i didnt wake up. Its hard to face the day without a drink or cutting into my thigh. I have no value to society i can honestly say everybody around me hates me i see the disgust in their faces counting the seconds till im gone. The only contact i have with people is being used to get drugs or take my money. I hate everything about myself my looks, personality and intelligences. I look at others thinking how great they are and how im practically invisible unnoticed maybe even moched. There is no denying the grotesque moster looking back at me in the mirror.
I have never felt any love from anything or anyone. It wouldnt matter if i died the only future for me is cleaning shit or piss off a toliet or doing peoples dishes nothing better. All hope is gone with horrible grades in high school and zero dollars to my name. I realize i could never afford college or anything good at all. I will spend the rest of my life alone broke and repulsive. Im up to a bottle of whiskey a day to numb myself for the dissapointment im about to endure. No love no enjoyment the only comfort i get is from the solance of a drug or drink. Would rather spend money on getting screawed up than on food. The only impact i have ever had on anyone is negative. The few friends i have(if any) will go to college and never call agian.
Broken family my mom and dad stoped loving eachother the day i was born they never kissed when they were together they never loved eachother or me for that matter. My brother and sister told me alot when i was growing up im the reason the familys not togther. Im a 19 year old male and have never had any relationship with any women before so im a virgin. And one day i will lose me virginity to a hooker while 100s of scars on my upper thighs. I disconnect myself from reality to convince myself this isnt real. My parents divourced a couple weeks after my birthday. I will most likely soon enough be put in a adult living facility or inpatient hospital do to my excessive drinking and cutting and suicide threats. Im completely lost and more than ever just want to hurt myself.
My family is going to have me sent away like a sick dog. Its going to happen within this month my mom had the cops in our apartment on two seperate occasions on me cutting myself i convinced the cops i wasnt suicidal but for how long. Im going to be institutionalized because everyday me my mom dad and brother fight and they say im going to be gone soon enough and the scars multiplying on my body broken disposable razors scattered across my floor. I know im going to be locked up in a room or building doped out of my mind drolling on myself so i might as well go out in bang get hammered take a hot shower and just bleed and hope to pass out and not wake up.
4 comments
Sounds like you need to get out of there! As for college, there’s always student loans and if thing’s don’t work out, fuck em!
I’m so sorry for your circumstances, and for the diffiult time you’ve had. I felt sad reading your story. I can guarantee you that your parents problems are not your fault. Whatever is/was going on with them was put in place long before you were even conceived. None of it has anything to do with you at all. It never does. Ever. It takes work to see this, but it is absolutely true. I can tell by your message that you are intelligent. Your message is coherent and well-written, and you can use this to get help. Talk to someone. Let them help you stop blaming yourself. What other people do is their responsibility, you don’t need to take on any false blame. And it is false, I guarantee.
Its okay I know what you mean,But heres something even more pathetic I never felt ‘love’ or been in love and have that ‘one guy’ I always talk about or ex,And the worst part is I get obsessed with guys and the closet thing I ever felt to love was with a guy who didn’t even know who I was literally lol I used to read the horoscope everyday and thought it was about us and I stopped reading it after that lol,But its funny when I look back on it now,Maybe ill start reading my horoscope again
Do you live with your parents?? It sounds like you just need somebody to talk to heres my email hella humble @ yahoo . com no spaces of course I just don’t want it to get moderated and if you want we could talk on the phone too Im a girl 22 and from cali