hi! i’m new =3

Hi there everyone! my name is Katie and i recently just stumbled upon this place and i decide to make an account and tell you guys my story and maybe help someone who is in need of something like this ;P I’ve never done this before so give me some slack ^.^ Alright well the first part of my story starts when i was in 3rd grade. I was a bit chubby back then (still a bit now) and was pretty much the only chubby kid in my school my school was very small and was a traditional baptist church/school everyone new everyone. And you would think that being a church/school  that it would be a nice atmosphere, well it wasn’t. I was bullied from 3rd grade to about 7th grade by classmates and teachers about my weight. At one point even one of my so-called best friends turned against me and turned everyone else against me, except for my true best friend who’s all ways stuck beside me . A lot of my “friends” were fair weathered. I was a very angry child for those years, even when i transferred to a public school in 5th grade i was angry and tried to mean to everyone to keep myself from getting hurt again. (i guess i wasn’t that mean because i won the kindest kid award at the end of the year lol) Well anyways things got a little better that year, i had more friends and even a guy that was interested me and my first kiss that was really very awkward. But my insecurities never went away, and i believe they never will. In 7th grade i had two close guy friends one of witch secretly liked me (only me and him new) he was embarrassed of liking me and being friends with  me so he made fun of me in front of everyone else, the other guy did the same. I’ve never understood that because they were both friends with me but made fun of me whenever they were together but whatever ;P So that was very hard on me. I started cutting that year but not because my “friends” i had just started getting into my”scene/emo” stage  that year and was obsessed with some dark things like cutting pictures, sad pictures, and just depressing stuff. There was this girl at my school who told me she used to cut and would draw things like hearts and names. I was intrigued and thought i would try it myself, to my surprise it didn’t hurt  and i liked the blood. I never went too deep but i have some scars on my wrist still. So why did i cut? because i was intrigued by the look of it not because i was depressed. Weird, i know. Well i couldn’t hide it for very long my teacher caught me and about 3 others (my guy best friend who liked me and the girl who told me about it) No one understood us, they thought we were starting a cult and that we were worshiping the devil lol But my mom thought that i was really depressed and tried to help me. I’ve never  met my father and don’t intend to. He left before i was born so i don’t feel sad about it ever. 8th grade year was where things got better, i met my current best friend that year she was EXACTLY like me and exactly what i needed (i used to pray that God would send someone like her to me so that i wouldn’t feel so alone) 9th grade year was one of my best years i had TONS of friends and guys that liked me (i went to a public high school) things were going really well until the beginning of sophomore year. It was September 20th 2011 and me and my best friend were coming home from the mall we pulled up to her house and my mom’s car was parked outside when we stopped the car she ran up and bagged on the window and was screaming hysterically telling me how i should never be letting Emily (my best friend) drive. She wasn’t driving her mom was. I was scared and tried to calm her down so i could tell her that she wasn’t driving. She then started crying and apologizing to me while she hugged me. I asked what was wrong and why she was a acting like that she looked up at me and told me that Shannon was gone, that she had died in a car accident. Now i haven’t mentioned her yet but Shannon was my cousin pretty much the only person who’s stuck with me ever since i was born. I can not tell you how much she mean’t to me. Now that same year i met a boy who became another best friend and i eventually fell for him, he made me a better person i got more involved with God and stopped hanging out with some bad influences. I really admired him.I had grown very close to him and relied on him to get me through Shannon’s accident. His cousin had died the same way so i new he understood what i was going through. But at the best point in our relationship when i thought he liked me back he got a job and started ditching me and a lot of his other friends. He just stopped talking to me. I was in a really bad place one day and i just really wanted to talk to him, now i knew it was a lost cause i knew he wasn’t going to go through with it but i just had to try. I asked him if would come see me that day and to my surprise he said yes but then never showed up. I fell that day, i shut out God and gave up on him. It was very hard for a while, i lost my virginity that year. And I’ve regretted it ever since. It was taken from me, and i blame myself every day. I could’ve stopped it but i was scared. I then stopped caring about it and about myself i had sex with the first guy i could after that. I did it because i could control it and i felt disgusting . I had a friend who was in love with me and thought i was the perfect girl for him. I was never interested but i asked him to my house one day and kissed him told him i liked him (i lied) i told him we could have sex if he wanted to. I didn’t do any of it because i could control or because i could i did it because i thought about how my first time was and how i wish it was with someone i loved and i cared for him so i wanted to make sure his first time was something he’d never regret but i stopped it. I just felt so disgusted, i hated myself. I told him to leave and that it was a mistake. He then proceeded to tell everyone at school about it i felt ashamed and embarrassed  told everyone that he was lying and just trying to get back at me for not going out with him. They all believed me. And till this day no one knows the truth. I’ve hid it because i’m still so ashamed. I want to tell you that through all of this i’ve never been depressed or suicidal, not seriously anyways i’ve had bad moments. I just don’t think that i’m capable of being depressed and i never want to die. Besides all the bad things that’s happened things have always gotten so much better. And i have dreams that haven’t been fulfilled yet. I don’t want to die because i haven’t lived yet. My life isn’t even halfway done. I’m only 18 the exciting parts of my life haven’t even happened yet. Now my part of my story had ended but the stories of my friends and loved ones hasn’t i want to tell this part because it might help someone who’s been in my situation and wants to know how to deal with it. Last year my 11th grade year i met my current boyfriend he was a completely different person back then. When we first started dating things were okay but then they got worse he started treating  me bad sometimes and it made me feel really bad about myself. I wanted to break things off for a long time but i could never do it because i really wanted to be with him . Then one day we were having sex and the condom broke we were both scared and we were talking about what would happen if  i was pregnant and he told me that he would kill himself if that happened. It hurt me so bad and i cried myself to sleep that  night and told him in the morning that he i could never trust him again. He got pissed of and started yelling at me, i tried to calm him down and he told me to get the fuck away from him. I’ve never been so hurt in my life, just those 6 little words stung so bad. We broke up not long after that and i said some really mean things to him but they were all true things and i thought he deserved it for treating me like he did. He begged me to give him another chance. It took me 3 weeks but i finally agreed to see him. It seemed like he changed but i was scared. We started talking again and he told me one day that he tried to kill himself. I went ballistic and did not handle the situation well at all. I hit him and yelled at him and told him i hated him. Yes i know i was horrible but i just couldn’t believe that someone i loved so much could have almost been gone.  I calmed down and apologized i tried to be there for him as much as i could. He was in a deep depression for a couple of months, he started cutting himself and would freak out all the time I didn’t know what to do, i felt as though he was controlling me, he even told me that if we weren’t together that he would kill himself. I was scared i didn’t want him to kill himself but i also didn’t want to be controlled. One day we got in a fight and i told his mom about his depression and suicide. I really didn’t think it would help but i was just mad at him and thought i was through with him. He was mad at me only for a little but it turns out that that was the best thing for him he started going to group classes to talk about depression and he was on some light anti-depressants. I’m proud to say that he is completely well and has overcome it and we are both really happy(:   The reason i’m telling you this is because i recently watched the movie Sala Samobójców  and it got me thinking about how many people are out there who completely alone and think that there’s no reason to live and there’s no one there to help pull them out of the darkness. It breaks my heart to think that there’s so many people out there who are hurting i just wish i could help them all. I know that i can’t but i can try to do as much as i can starting with this. Please if there’s anyone who reads this and wants someone to talk to or just to listen to or just wants to be friends(((: you can email me katiemeowcat@gmail.com or add me on skype katiekatt27 (just let me now that you’re from here ;p) and don’t be afraid to because you think it’s awkward <3 Thank you for reading this i know it was long and i just want to say that if your problems are a big deal to you then regardless if any one says they’re not they are Don’t think that just because your problems don’t look as big as some peoples that you shouldn’t feel bad. If something hurts you it hurts regardless of if it’s big or small. I look forward to hearing from any of you ^.^ Byeeee (((: