Hi.
I started writing down my feelings in  journal but I thought it would be nice to share with people finally.
I don’t know it all started but what I know is that I’m messed up. My family, my body, my mind, and my emotions. I’m not going to say I’m in this emotionless trance.
I still have friends but I hid my true feelings. It’s all starts with my family and how my mother is this fucked up parent. You can basically say I live by myself , but my dads the only one who supports me. He has to work all the time and my mom is just dragging him down. And so am I.
I’m traumatized of men. I cant love a guy or find sexual desires for them. Doesn’t mean I’m lesbian. I caught him on his phone watching porn, I’ve seen him jack off, and I’ve read the messages on his phone asking to hook up with girls.
This is wear my fucked up place comes. It not only comes from my family but other reasons. I like to surf the web and watch men be beaten and tortuted. I’m sadistic and fucked up. I cry at night because I’m not pretty or skinny, literally.
I hate showing and telling people my feelings so ill just look like any happy person in this world. I’m not rich but I’m not poor, Im pretty ok.
I wanted to suicide so badly. I saved other people from it, but I can’t help myself. I have chest pains and I feel like I can’t feel my heart. Do I have one?
I don’t expect people to read this and talk to me and help me. I just wrote this because even though I can’t help myself I can help other people. And that I’m here for you.
Your not alone because you have me, but I like being alone. I love silence, I love being alone. There are people in this world who don’t deserve to be loved, and I am one of them. And I’m okay and pretty happy about it.
13 comments
Surprisingly, I know your feelings, and understand quite a few of them. It’s just reversed for me, as I am a guy.
And I can’t stand seeing anyone, particularly, a woman, being hurt. But when I read about women hurting other guys, and how it happens so much more than ever before, it makes me want to hate women, not gonna lie.
Anyways, why did I write? To do what you say you will do for others, to help.
Email me when you can: brl.cents@gmail.com
I want to try to help.
Sincerely yours,
Blindaudio
Your life is not just another story.
This is your story.
Im willing to listen and help you, even if you feel no one is here to help you.
I am, I care and I will be here.
Please give me the opportunity to help you.
I don’t know how you can help Me. I don’t know you. Who don’t me. Are you here right now for me? Exactly. You can’t always be there. No one ever can. So why say people can help me and be there for me when they can’t. This is just a shitty world we live in.
It’s fine blind audio. Hate me because I know I’m cruel and harsh. I like seeing guys like that and I have no idea why. It’s just always on my mind. That’s why I stay away from guys. Trust me I haven’t dated, touched, or even tried to touch a guy. I’m just going to hurt and push them away. So just be another one of those people I push away. I get annoyed easily.
@sheddingtears: your avatar totally looks like a frog.
@clevername: This sounds like the beginning of some fairy tale I once read somewhere.
baffling!
I just started writing, if you think I copied fine. I know my avatar looks like a frog but I don’t know how to change it. Also if you think I’m baffling why are you one here? Why are you reading this? I was stupid to do this.
@sheddingtears: You’re fine – I think clevername didn’t mean anything by what he said, but your avatar does kind of look like a frog, doesn’t it? Mine loops like batman going, “Hooray!” or maybe batman who’s very angry and tossing his bat boomerangs into the air in frustration. Hm..
I can understand how you feel in your OP, and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re trying to process the emotions from the trauma you talked about as best you’re able, but it’s not your fault you were subjected to that trauma. And you don’t have to worry about pushing me away – I’m rather stand-offish as it is. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
No need to change it. It doesn’t “mean” anything, and i certainly did not have any derogatory intention. I just thought the image looked kinda like a frog… kinda like how if you stare at cloud formations long enough, you’ll often see shapes resembling things.
I said “baffling!” because i had no idea how to interpret or respond to lorax’s comment about it sounding like the beginning of a fairy tale.
I’m here for similar reasons as most everyone else: i hate my life, can’t fix it, and feel like suicide is the only remaining “option” to eliminate all the suffering i’m so tired of experiencing.
I didn’t know what to say to your post, so i commented on your avatar looking like a frog. I see nothing wrong with that; neither the commenting about the avatar, nor the avatar resembling a frog.
@clever: I was making a really ambiguous and in all reality, quite lazy association with that whole frog-prince story. Hey, I was really tired at the time. Ha.
My bad.
It’s ok, I still want to do anything I can.
That is, if you are willing to take my offer still.