Trying to summarize what has brought me to this place is pretty difficult. When your life is fine (good job, wife, kids) and you still think about killing yourself every day, what do you do? I just have a hard time dealing with the pointlessness and the daily sameness. And the fear. I’m sick and tired of the constant fear that something bad is going to happen to someone I love, especially one of my kids or my wife. So I try to practice my zen breathing and try to live in the moment, and try to appreciate the moment I’m experiencing right now, and it usually works, but man, there are a lot of hours in the day, and every time I let my mind wander, every time I pull away from living in the present, that demon is right there waiting, kind of like Dickens’ ghost of Christmas past, showing me all the things I’ve screwed up in my life, or the ghost of Christmas future, presenting me with horrible scenarios of the deaths or injuries my loved ones might face. Anyway, it’s nice to be able to give voice to these dark thoughts for a bit. If others out there are experiencing the same sort of thing, I’d love to hear how you’re coping with it.
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Your lucky you HAVE kids and a wife, I can’t even make one friend, that’s how limited my exposure is to the world. I can see what you mean when you talk about the patterns in your daily life, it frustrates me to- get up- work- school- Etc so on. Society has turned us into slaves of the economy, buying and using and buying again, filling that void. We all go through life separated, but in realty we are all connected we should be. But the self-prevailing attitude of every individual in modern society is concerned not about smelling the roses and enjoying life, but getting by. And the selfishness, and corruption in our world government isn’t helping either, this world is for lack of a better word a “shit-hole”. An this is coming from a 15 year old….
In all actuality I envy you.
i think honestly the worst scenario that could happen to your wife and kids is if you killed yourself and they were all alone.
sounds scary right?
imagine your wife trying to raise them alone.
i think you should talk to your wife about how you’re feeling
tell her about the meaningless routines and the fear
i feel exactly the same about the pointlessness of doing the same things every day
and the fear of the future. the fear of what will happen.
it sounds like you have depression, that feeling of meaningless routines taking up your days and not having any meaning to your life. and also it sounds like you have some serious anxiety. if you dont want to talk to your wife about it, i suggest going to see a doctor and telling him about it. he can put you on some medication to help you feel less lost. another thing to help is to be spontaneous! instead of coming home from work and watching tv, take your kids to the park! instead of just going and buying groceries, pick up some flowers for your wife on the way home! do little things to keep life interesting every day and i promise it’ll help. the little things are what make life worth it <3
PerfectlyRotten, I completely understand your anger. At 15 I was already dealing with issues of depression and low self esteem. 30 years later, those same demons are right there with me every day, at least for a little while, and it’s true, I am lucky. But it has been a lot of hard work, not just to battle those demons, but to take on the responsibility of a family, which some might say was stupid, given my struggles. But putting myself out there, facing my fears and my sometimes crippling depression, that’s the only way I know how to keep going. And I agree with you that the world seems unbearably corrupt and our politicians and CEOs let their greed blind them, and to tell you the truth, listening to the news every day is a big part of what fuels my depression. I don’t have any answers, but it’s good to give voice to that depression, that anger, that apathy. And on cue, my cat has jumped onto the bed and is smelling my ear. Can’t be too depressed with a cat breathing in your face.
Deadlynights, thanks for your comment. Chances are I won’t kill myself, but it’s freeing to consider the option. Anyway, I’m too much of a coward and I love my family too much. I will probably go to see a therapist soon. I had a good one I saw for a while when I was first diagnosed with multiple sclerosis but I stopped seeing her a few years back because I started feeling better. Medication isn’t for me if I can help it. Tried that route once and felt like I was watching life from the outside rather than living it. Your advice about the flowers is definitely good. I think I’ll start doing something nice for someone else every day. Today I baked gluten free cookies for our office secretary who has been depressed the past month since her doctor told her she needs to be off wheat. Of course, this made my wife jealous, so I’ll definitely have to bring her flowers tomorrow regardless.