Idk Anymore

So basically this is my first post and it’s going to be shitty sorry.

…buuut yeah, my name is Brianna and honestly, I don’t want to be living here on this bullshit planet any longer. I’m tired of getting judged by the music I listento, the clothes I wear, what I look like the next day, and so forth. My life to me is honestly completely useless. I wake up everyday feeling like a mistake, and that I should’ve never been born. I’ve been called names like slut, emo, ****, *****, and been told that no one likes me, I’m depressed all the time, I complain too much, and bunches of shit like that. To me, it would be such a great adventure to just die. I honestly don’t see the point in me living anymore. I’ve lost nearly all of my friends to me being sad and depressed. My parents make me feel like everything is my fault, and that I basically can’t do anything right. I’ll be having a good day at school, then come home and my grandmother asks me to do something. If I don’t do it specifically how she asks, she yells at me, when I didn’t do it “her way”. Every weekday I get off the bus, into our car, and she asks me “Hello Brianna, how was school today”, very rarely do I ever tell her what really goes on at school. I always lie to her face and say everything is “fine” or “okay”.  I get picked on, I get pushed around, bullied, tripped, my hair gets pulled, and so much more. I have lots of friends, but to me it’s just like I’m not even there. The other day i was in gym class, we walk/jog around each time before our lesson. I was walking with my friends, talking to them and all of the sudden, this girl comes up and butts me out of my group. That’s when it really kicked in.

That no one would notice if I never showed up for school. No one would notice if I didn’t show up in the hallway, and believe me, that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.

I continued walking, but this time, by myself. The entire time, not one of my friends came up to ask me if I was alright. Later on that day, my English teacher saw me walking in from my 3rd block(since I have her during 4th block). During my 3rd block that day, I was yelled at by my Pre-AP Science teacher(what else is new, I get yelled at by her everyday). Anyway, my English teacher saw my face, and it was like an angel sent from heaven, she asked if I was okay. I said no, but she instantly said “Oh I’m sorry about that Brianna”. Yeah, me too. Tears welled up in my eyes, coming from the shit day I was having. I usually get into my 4th block earlier than the guy that sits behind me. He walks in and literally pushes my books all over the floor, and is laughing. My tears were threatening to spill from my eyes, but I said nothing.

People look at me as a role model, a great friend, a beautiful girl with high ambitions in life, but me? I look at myself as complete shit. I can’t help it. I compliment people everyday, because I love to see a smile on someone’s face. Every time I give someone a compliment, I come home to these awful hate messages left in my kik. It’s seriously so awful, and I’m really sensitive to stuff like that.

But there’s this guy, I know I know, it sounds really corny, but I seriously like him a lot. He is so sweet, and a really great friend, and we’ve started talking a whole lot more lately than we used to. I know this might sound crazy, but he’s honestly the only person I look forward to seeing at school besides my greatest friend in the whole wide world. He makes me so happy, and has told me that I’m a really great friend. I explained to him just a few days ago that sometimes I get really sad and stuff, and do things to myself that I regret, but he doesn’t understand. He has the perfect life, whereas I’m just a girl who cries basically all the time and obsesses over bands and photography.

I guess that’s all I really have to say tonight.. I need a place to vent anonymously, so I guess this should be the place? I guess it’ll be a journal type thing too, now that would be a great idea for me.

Thanks so much for reading, if you even read it all aha! Advice and things like that is welcome, I appreciate everyone that took the time to listen to me vent, hopefully I’ll try to make this a daily thing.

Just remember, if you’re going through a rough period right now(kinda like i am) feel free to talk to me, vent, anything you need to do. I’m here for anyone.<3