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Idk Anymore

by imonlyhuman

So basically this is my first post and it’s going to be shitty sorry.

…buuut yeah, my name is Brianna and honestly, I don’t want to be living here on this bullshit planet any longer. I’m tired of getting judged by the music I listento, the clothes I wear, what I look like the next day, and so forth. My life to me is honestly completely useless. I wake up everyday feeling like a mistake, and that I should’ve never been born. I’ve been called names like slut, emo, ****, *****, and been told that no one likes me, I’m depressed all the time, I complain too much, and bunches of shit like that. To me, it would be such a great adventure to just die. I honestly don’t see the point in me living anymore. I’ve lost nearly all of my friends to me being sad and depressed. My parents make me feel like everything is my fault, and that I basically can’t do anything right. I’ll be having a good day at school, then come home and my grandmother asks me to do something. If I don’t do it specifically how she asks, she yells at me, when I didn’t do it “her way”. Every weekday I get off the bus, into our car, and she asks me “Hello Brianna, how was school today”, very rarely do I ever tell her what really goes on at school. I always lie to her face and say everything is “fine” or “okay”.  I get picked on, I get pushed around, bullied, tripped, my hair gets pulled, and so much more. I have lots of friends, but to me it’s just like I’m not even there. The other day i was in gym class, we walk/jog around each time before our lesson. I was walking with my friends, talking to them and all of the sudden, this girl comes up and butts me out of my group. That’s when it really kicked in.

That no one would notice if I never showed up for school. No one would notice if I didn’t show up in the hallway, and believe me, that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.

I continued walking, but this time, by myself. The entire time, not one of my friends came up to ask me if I was alright. Later on that day, my English teacher saw me walking in from my 3rd block(since I have her during 4th block). During my 3rd block that day, I was yelled at by my Pre-AP Science teacher(what else is new, I get yelled at by her everyday). Anyway, my English teacher saw my face, and it was like an angel sent from heaven, she asked if I was okay. I said no, but she instantly said “Oh I’m sorry about that Brianna”. Yeah, me too. Tears welled up in my eyes, coming from the shit day I was having. I usually get into my 4th block earlier than the guy that sits behind me. He walks in and literally pushes my books all over the floor, and is laughing. My tears were threatening to spill from my eyes, but I said nothing.

People look at me as a role model, a great friend, a beautiful girl with high ambitions in life, but me? I look at myself as complete shit. I can’t help it. I compliment people everyday, because I love to see a smile on someone’s face. Every time I give someone a compliment, I come home to these awful hate messages left in my kik. It’s seriously so awful, and I’m really sensitive to stuff like that.

But there’s this guy, I know I know, it sounds really corny, but I seriously like him a lot. He is so sweet, and a really great friend, and we’ve started talking a whole lot more lately than we used to. I know this might sound crazy, but he’s honestly the only person I look forward to seeing at school besides my greatest friend in the whole wide world. He makes me so happy, and has told me that I’m a really great friend. I explained to him just a few days ago that sometimes I get really sad and stuff, and do things to myself that I regret, but he doesn’t understand. He has the perfect life, whereas I’m just a girl who cries basically all the time and obsesses over bands and photography.

I guess that’s all I really have to say tonight.. I need a place to vent anonymously, so I guess this should be the place? I guess it’ll be a journal type thing too, now that would be a great idea for me.

Thanks so much for reading, if you even read it all aha! Advice and things like that is welcome, I appreciate everyone that took the time to listen to me vent, hopefully I’ll try to make this a daily thing.

Just remember, if you’re going through a rough period right now(kinda like i am) feel free to talk to me, vent, anything you need to do. I’m here for anyone.<3

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4 comments

natalieH 3/16/2014 - 11:43 pm

Hey/: . My name is natalie. Im probably not the type of girl you’d expect to hear this from being that im one of those girls who looks like she gets everything and has her boyfriend with her everywhere but i just want you to know that i love people like you because i understand. Its probably one of the hardest things to struggle with the desire for a happy life but also peaceful death. I dont have to know what you look like to tell you that you’re beautiful. You know those people who pick on you? Well i just want you to know that one of them may be someone just like me and thinks about dying every day because they dont feel good enough or like the world’s pressure is too much. I often think of running far away. But so dont hate those kids, pray for them. Even if you dont believe in god, pray. Because it helps a lot and i promise things have to get better. Thats my only reason for being alive, is hope that one day things will be better and i can experience happiness. I love you please stay strong for me. If you give up then i wont know why i shouldnt.

imonlyhuman 3/17/2014 - 12:17 am

Thank you so much for loving me. It really means a lot. I will try to stay strong for you, but please know I’m staying strong for a bunch of others, and sometimes it gets hard knowing I have all this pressure. As I said, if you need to vent or anything, you can talk to me, I’m seriously here for anyone.<3

benedict1981 3/17/2014 - 9:53 am

The best thing is find people who like you for who you are. I know it’s hard as I thought most of my friends were my friends until I started to clean up of drugs. Now with no friends cause they weren’t my friends I’m alone. I just spent 10 days in the hospital on suicide watch. So I do understand what your going through. Just take one day at a time. You sound like a amazing person that if people got to know you they would have a amazing friend.

imonlyhuman 3/17/2014 - 11:24 pm

Thank you, you sound like an amazing person as well. I’ll keep you and your advice in my thoughts tomorrow as I enter the 8 longest hours of hell. Thank you so much, and if you ever need to vent, I’m always here(:

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