I got sent to the E.R today for suicidal thoughts.
Don’t tell me its alright.
My parents called me a big problem. They are angry at me. My mom said she wanted to buy shoes and now she can’t because “I did all this”. My sister said I’m being a stupid teenager. My father and mother said that I was doing all this intentionally so I can go see how a psychologist works, because I like psychology. My mom said that she feels bad for my sister because my sister wanted to go out the the mall, and they had to get called to the hospital. My mom and dad are angry they spent 50$ for parking at the hospital. My mom called me a whole bunch of swear words. My dad thinks I made a tiny mistake.
Tiny mistake. I never knew how worthless I am to them. I never knew it. But they were even more pissed than I expected. My sister and mom said all the problems I was having were all fake and I made them all up just because I enjoy it.
When the psychologist left the room, and my parents had to leave my mother said, “Have fun.”
My dad said, “It is enjoyable for you right?”
FUCK THEM. I felt bad about suicide for a long time. Like, I’d be shaming my parents. Fuck, it was all my sister said the entire day. “SHAME. SHAME ON YOU.”
Those words fucking sting like a knife. Now all this experience has given me is more hope for suicide. HELL YAH! I am going to do it on April 6th. I’m GOING TO FUCKING DIE!
FUCK YAH. FUCK I HATE EVERYONE!
I was never this sure. Now,after being sent to the E.R, I am.
Not an emergency anymore, I guess.
Alright, fellow depressed ones, back again to give y’all an update on my pathetic, miserable life. Last I posted, I went over a chunk of my life story and left off at my homeless predicament. As of now, I quit my job with a really abusive, corrupt oxygen company and I’m currently enrolled in college. I just had my first day of college today. As is typical of my life, nothing can go right. After two years out of state and a total shift in my appearance and personality, I ended up in class with bullies I’ve known since I was four years old. They tried to get to me and failed. Guess my skin thickened up some.
I was, of course, denied financial aid because I worked for three months. I had to quit my job to go to college because my boss demanded I be available to work at least fifty hours a week. That made college an impossibility. I paid a grand out of pocket for tuition and books for community college. Quite absurd if you ask me. It’s good I can afford a semester though.
I did my best to come out of my shell and talk to people during my first day. I personally introduced myself to my professors at the end of class, to quite a large sum of students, and did my absolute best to fit in and be normal. I was smiling like an idiot because I was so excited to have a fresh chance wish my social life. Nothing’s changed, at all. The new me is met with the same cold shoulders as the old me. I’m again depressed and my only driving motivation is a computer science degree.
On the bright side… I don’t believe I’ve ever had this little to complain about. I really should be getting some sleep, considering I have class in the morning. To wrap this up: I’m still homeless and jumping between friends’ houses. I saved enough to finish two semesters of college, if I’m lucky. I’m spending as much time there as possible for obvious reasons… hell, if my life sucks and I have nowhere else to go, why not go for a degree? Anyway I hope y’all are alright.. I’m lonely and definitely want somebody with whom I can discuss pointless crap. 🙂
9 months has passed, the baby was ready to be born. The mother went to the hospital and the amniotic liquid started running through out her legs. The doctor called her, come on, go to bed, everything will be alright.
The mother is worried, she is not feeling the baby movements. She looked down her tummy and felt it empty. There are other people around her, everybody is telling her that she is ok, she just need to be patience and wait for the long hours of labors. But she is insisting, please, he is a good doctor, but I trust more my doctor from the other hospital, look for him, something is wrong. What about is the baby is not in position? Someone have to check the baby, someone has to guarantee me that the baby, my baby is ok.
In another room there is a house, and also an empty neighbor house. They have an alarm at home, but no one knew it. A girl go to the house, she entered by the back door, she wanted to know if everything was ok at the neighbor house, boom. The detonator was activated, when girl opened the door she received a high voltage swap, her face was burnt just below her left eye. She started running erratic. The aunt is desperate at home, yelling for help, “please save the girl” Now, silence, the police officers are there, they are closing the space with yellow bands protecting the sanctity of the crime scene, announcing another catastrophic event. The little girl is calming her nerves. The woman at the hospital is entering labor. The chaos is dissipating.
Another night, a new morning, like that bad dream, nothing new here, just the same sadness and wretchedness. In some place there are new babies coming to this world, babies with hope of a better future ahead. There are other places where a sad mistake is taking the life and sanity to good people. There are cases that has been closed with impunity. There are victims that will never recover what they have lost. There are order in the name of the chaos. In some place there are a woman like me, that the only thing that can do with what she has left in her life is write, even so, she cannot do that right either.
Some day, that woman will reborn, just in the right place, on the right time and she will live the life she and her children deserves. She will have her babies in Freedom, they will be happy, she will trust again and her family will be again what she has always dreamed. Some day, no just in her dream, this woman will come alive again.
Does anyone know about the Siege of Masada? Or why history repeats it’s self, only the venom becomes stronger (technology) war and fighting comes to mind right off, add in severe hunger and a true psychopath can come out. Karma, Dogma, Poor Programing Intelligent Universe? Why did/do I need to live in or around and be a predator at the expense of others? Who and what needs this information and behavior? How far back does one have to stand to make any sense of “sweat of the brow” slavery and decay pain including painful repairs. Pain, what an invention, invisible and truly disquieting or worse, find one’s self severely defective and dependent on the luck of the draw. Seems anything goes except a true sense of everything will be alright.
So here is the historical article where suicide is WHAT? A protection? Best available medicine? The article even suggests, blames, those who decided to take a drastic action, as unwilling or stupid for not being flexible or unable to adjust to new circumstances. Yep, that Roman slavery is the Disney Ride I want to go on.
I have visited some writing here, it is as if these folks are doing my biography.
So “Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death” Who gives anyway? Some if not most. I try say “Take Me Liberty or Take Me Death”.
I feel no Liberty with stomach, sun burns, I heard, “I loved my children so much, I had none, ME!!! But that leaves no friends if extended to the whole.
So the “world” is so hurt and the universe so jagged and unfriendly, could anyone tell me how to perceive life as a joy and gift that YOU would want to share?
I find myself here everyday, triggered to the max upon waking and go asleep hoping never to be consciousness again.
It feels like nothings really changed. Get hyped over things that peak my interest express nothing towards everything else. It gets easier to talk about my problems or health issues and to have analytical jam sessions with doctors, determining what kind of mental issue ive got. Im so open to the not so pretty and just addressing the existence of things like depression or anger-fueled violence that it deters others from really talking to me….but as the time goes by its bothering me less and less. I care less and less. Its kinda good but at times i worry if that mentality will manifest into something that could harm others.
For myself i dont care, i might be losing a few toes my backs gone to shit and my lupus has been causing some major pain. But i dont really do anything about it because if its just me then its alright. Its when it comes to others that i worry just a bit. Ive been having more hallucinations and paranoid feelings lately and at times i feel like causing damage to others, just for the sake of doing it. Unprovoked. So it worries me. My doctor is really convinced im somewhere between severe bi-polar disoder and schizophrenia, could be right but we just dont know for sure yet. In the meantime ive taken up cutting again because it helps. Makes me focus on just myself especially if im feeling hostile. I got a new pack of pen tips and found that the majority of them are on the thinner side. They make sharper lines, cleaner too. I havent really gone too deep so far just enough to break skin and have blood bead along the edges. I thought i might be a bit more nervous picking it up after a long time now but the first cut was easy and super relieving. It made my panic attack stop so im glad for that.
alright. i hope you’re still at the casino
let me know, will you say no
pick-me up with the automobile, and let’s go
triple our vegan power
can you be red and blue, like mario
what do i do
message. all over…
can i just walk…
You were the only one I could really talk to. The only one I could tell when I wasn’t feeling alright. Only you don’t know that, you probably think it’s the opposite, that I don’t want to talk to you.
And now, you tell me you think I don’t even want to get better. Well, I don’t. Not really. I’m not cut out for it.
I would go right now but you’d probably find me.
I’ll do it tomorrow morning, when you’re out.
Don’t think it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do, unconditionally. But this is how it’s meant to be.
I had 2 dreams last night. The first one was set months in the future, and I’d moved on and life seemed normal. Crazy, but normal. And I woke up from it thinking, wow, things could be okay, if I keep working at it.
Then I fell asleep again.
In the second dream, I was sat opposite him, in the house we used to live in. It was that night where we were both too drunk and we forgot who we had to be and just let things happen. Only things didn’t happen. We sat cross legged opposite each other and played that game where you write a celebrities name on a Rizzla paper and stick it to the other persons head, and you both have to guess who you’ve got. But when I reached out to him I could hear him telling me it’s over and asking me to leave just like he did a lifetime ago. And I was smashing things just like I did a lifetime ago.
And then I woke and I knew I could never go back, not even in dreams.
The weight of the world is getting harder to hold up.. im not okay and its not alright.. the lonlyniss is haunting me.
Remember that time when you were truly happy. Truly happy despite all the crap in your life. Truly happy despite the people that wanted to see you sad. Especially happy for the people that liked to see you happy. So incredibly happy, that you didn’t even realize you were happy. You just were there, and everything was more or less alright.
wasn’t that a good time.
now you have a burden to carry.its all you can think about.
Hello everyone. A potential suicidal from Brazil right here. So, needless to say, English is not my primary language. I truly apologize if there is any kind of grammar mistakes on my reports here. Honestly, it is my first time posting something in a site such as this and I’m a little insecure of what to write here, but I decided to try and make contact and – I don’t know… See what happens. I don’t think it’s wise to keep all this torment to myself. If is ok with you, I would like to open up just a little… at least just once.
It is a fact that since I was 18 my mind has been a place for all types of depressing thoughts to gather and spread. I’ve been a victim of depression for such a long time that I kind forgot how it is to live without this nothingness tightening my chest. I am 25 now… There were times that I got better and thought my demons left me for good, but the eagerness of ending it all comes to me without warning and it’s becoming stronger each day.
I used to have a dream. Something that I loved to do, that filled me with a feeling of accomplishment and happiness. It used to give me such bliss. Now, have the sensation that I’ll never achieve such a dream because I don’t have what it takes or the necessary talent. As days pass by, is getting harder to feel joy, even when I am doing what I used to cherish the most. I have no passion, no motivation. I am quite smart and intelligent and people often say that I am going to do fine in life. They don’t know.
You see… I am a master of wearing a mask when it’s needed, putting on a fake – yet quite convincing – smile on my face to create the illusion that everything is alright. Tell a joke, say something stupid or funny, make people laugh even though I am rotting inside, just wanting to scream and cry. I am screwed up. I think I am a disappointment to my parents and that I am untalented. I wished I was strong, determined and bold to go after my dreams, my happiness. But I am weak coward. Truly I am the person I hate the most. My body, my mind, my pathetic personality, my limitations, my fears… I hate them all! My lack of passion, courage and guts. I hate myself. Sometimes I loathe everything I represent and find myself contemplating suicide as happened many times before. As is happening right now as I write this.
I’ll fall, I’ll perish. This is the first time that I talk about this and I know I need help, but I don’t know what to do. I am fighting against this darkness of mine and I am losing – miserably.
I apologize for the long text. If you went as far as to read this part, you have my gratitude for reserving a small time of your day to listen what I have to say. Thank you. Although my mind is going through its darkest times, I’ll stay polite. I believe this is one of the few qualities I have left.
I’m walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind. Don’t get too close it’s dark inside, it’s where my demons hide: drink until they stop screaming your name. I’m down to my last drink, time to sell my things. Pack my bags and never look back. Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks. Make my getaway. How the hell did it end up like this? Why wasn’t I able to see the signs that I missed and try and turn the tables? I would stand in the wind, I was free like water flowing down under the warmth of the sun. Now it’s cold and I’m scared and everything’s been shaken…This doesn’t need to be the end: Just shut out the night and try to close your eyes. If you can find daylight then you’ll be alright…just not tonight. I’m caught in a hurricane. I’m leaving here dead or alive and I know that I’m willing to feel the pain if it gets me to the other side. Heavens gates won’t open up for me, with these broken wings I’ve fallen. These city streets ain’t got no love for me, I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story. I’m so alone and I feel just like somebody else I ain’t changed but I know I ain’t the same. I seen the sun up ahead at the county line bridge saying all there’s good and nothingness is dead. Run until you’re outta breath, run until there’s nothing left. You’ve hit the end, it’s just you and the ledge. Funny how the good ones go too soon, but the good lord knows the reasons why I guess. Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand. Right now it don’t make sense, I can’t make it all make sense. God knows I’ve tried. Call me a sinner. It’s over, I still love you the same. Call me a saint. It’s over, I don’t want you to hurt. It’s all that I can say, so I’ll be on my way. Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Don’t cry. You’ll never be lonely. Someday I’ll find a way to make it back, to walk you, to guide you through the darkest of your days. I’ll see you again, this side or the other. Say goodbye, turn around, and you’re gone. Fade into the setting sun, slip away.
I stared at my sister laying on the ground, her pale white hands on her throat gasping for breath; my baby sister that was naturally tanner than me was pale and bleeding out from both her wrists and her throat. I didn’t even realize it but I was screaming and I couldn’t stop. I screamed for my sister that was now bleeding on to the tan carpet, I screamed for the fear that was over coming my whole body.
“Dad! Dad! Daddy!” then came the sounds of his thudding footsteps running to me. He moved me to the side and dropped to his knees. In one graceful movement he picked her up and was running down the stairs and out the door. My eyes kept my vision blurry and conveniently not of any use. I heard the loud sound of a quickly rising garage door and the sound of a car pulling out of the driveway like a bat out of hell.
My dog whimpered and sniffed my hair and licked my cheek cover in black tears from my mascara. I held on to her, almost like she was my life line. I felt myself begin to hyperventilate, I pulled on my hair and let my back hit the wall behind me. My body shook, and I pulled on my hair scared and frustrated that I was useless; I couldn’t do anything to help my little sister. I then started to think why she did it. Why’d, she cut herself. I shook and fell to the ground crying once again. I couldn’t get the image of her laying there almost lifeless, out of my head.
‘Oh God!, what if I lost her just like I lost mom?’ I thought. I held my head in between my hands as I cried. Then I pulled out my phone and dialed one of my best friends, I chanted over and over:
“Please, please pick up; I need you, please pick up.” On the third ring he answered the phone. I sobbed with relief.
“Sage? Sage, baby what’s wrong?” He asked worriedly.
“M-my s-sister… My sister t-tried to kill her-herself.” I sobbed into the phone.
“Oh God, Sage are you okay? What happened?” Derek asked me.
“I found her laying there… I found her laying face down into the carpet and….. And I saw her blood in the carpet…” I said tonelessly remembering the event that just occurred.
“I don’t know what to do…” I wailed.
“Breath, Sage, Listen to me, baby, okay? I need you to breath and calm down. I know right now you are stressed and worried and scared but I need you to relax and breath.” Derek said in a hushed almost in a whispered tone.
“I’m scared Derek.” I whispered in a little girl voice, repeating exactly what he already knew.
“I know baby but right now I need you to calm down, and tell me what happened. Can you do that for me? Can you calm down for me, and tell me what happened?” he asked. I made a whimpering sound, meaning yes.
“Alright, good. Now take a deep breath and tell me are you alone right now?” I sucked in another breath.
“Okay, do you want me to come over?”
“Can you-ou please?”
“Of course Sage, I’ll be there in ten minutes, I’ll bring Artemis too.”
Ten minutes later
“Okay.” I answered with my body still shaking. The minutes passed but I just continued to stare at the wall, as my best friend kept talking, I made noises here and there to let him know that I was still there. The front door opened, and then closed with a sudden slam; followed by multiple foot steps, followed by several arms surrounding me and voices that seemed to sounded nothing but like Charlie Brown teacher’s voice. I felt the weight of anger and of not being able to do anything boil up in to the middle of my chest. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t feel my own body anymore.
“Oh god! What if she dies? Oh god! I should do something to help her! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! I should have been there more for her!” I had thought I had said to my own self but apparently I wailed it out for the world to hear the angering thoughts running rapidly through my head. Suddenly my friends, Derek and Artemis both wrapped their arms around me once again, while they patted my hair, and told me everything was going to be alright. They held me close. I could feel Artemis’s long blackish-brown hair against my right arm and face; while I felt the muscular arms that were wrapped around my waist, from Derek. I pushed them both away.
“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!!!!” I screamed into their faces. They first looked at each other with sad expressions, then they looked at me.
“You don’t know if she’s going to be alright!” I stated to them in a low, small voice.
“Sage girl you need to think positive about this okay?” My best Artemis explained to me as if i was a child. I looked up at both of them knowing that I was a mess.
“You want me to think positive about my sister’s suicide?” I hissed out at them. They both flinched and shared a sad, almost pitying look which was pointed at me.
“WHAT?!?!?! WILL YOU TWO, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M BROKEN!?!?! I WASN’T THE ONE THAT WAS BLEEDING TO DEATH ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR!!!” I yelled breathily at them again for no reason at all.
“Sage, we need you to calm down okay?” Artemis said with opened palms facing me, like I was a frightened animal. I glared at her; who the hell did she think she was talking to me like some broken, and scared animal? Both Artemis and Derek looked frightened.
“Sage! You’re freaking us out, with all that growling! What is wrong with your eyes?” Derek said In a throaty voice mixed high pitched whisper at me.
“Nothing is wrong with me! I am fine!!! Well as fine as a person can be right after they just saw their sister bleeding to death on the floor” I snarled at them. I felt then the sudden urge to claw them with my nails untill they bled out like my sister had.
“Ok, look here Sage; your sister just tired to kill herself and you are having a level nine break down, so Sage girl you passed ‘fine’ five miles back! So this is what we are going to do; we are going to go get in the car and drive to Derek’s house and have a sleepover got it? good! Let’s go!” Artemis’s tone held no room at all for an argument, I took a deep breath and nodded. She went into my room and packed a bag for me as Derek dragged me along to his car. The air outside was warm and humid; it felt like being slammed it a boiling room and then being left there. It was way to hot for August, my sister Alex would’ve hated it and complained constantly about it. I began bawling my eyes out once more.
Which was an old ford truck that was rusted on the sides and on the front. His truck was the constant smell of strawberries and smoke; as he pushed me into the middle seat I let him buckle me because I couldn’t will myself to move. All I wanted to do was cry and see my baby sister again. I began to cry once again, and hated this feeling of being unuseful, that can with not being able to do anything to help my sister. I then began to blame myself; how could I not see she was in a enough pain to do this to herself?
Both Derek and Artemis entered the car quietly, sharing a look then each took one of my trembling hands and held them tightly as Derek started the car, he stopped, then twisted in his seat to have a good look at me.
“Sage? Sage girl? I know you’re hurting and you’re worried about Lora; but Sage you need to know that no matter what me and Arty here are ALWAYS here for you anytime you need it.” I stared blankly at his face and I felt the tears come up again and my lip shook. He pulled me to him with a sudden hug, while Artemis hugged me from behind; and they let me cry and cry in till sleep took me.
~~Two months later~
Derek’s tongue clicked against the roof of his mouth for the fortieth time in the last two minutes; I was nearly about to jump on him and rip his tongue out of his mouth. Each time his tongue made that annoying click I felt my unreasonable rage build. Squeezing my small but chubby hands into fist to fight off this rage that seemed determined to build and finally let me explode all over Derek’s truck interior. I winced when did I become so violent?
“Sage?” Derek questioned me.
“Yeah?” I looked at him with an annoyed look.
“Are you–” he started but I cut him off with a wave of my hand.
“I am fine! For the love of god! please, please, please do not ask me if I am ‘okay'” I begged him.
“sorry…” he mumbled embarrassed.
“She’s already at school her couch needed her to come in early.”
“Look I just wanted to say sorry I know I can be a little over protecting…”
“It’s fine it just gets so annoying having people ask me straight away when they see me ‘are you ok?’ ‘how are you doing?'” I said with a mocking girly voice while looking up at the inside of his truck.
“But are you really—”
“Dont you even dare ask me if I am alright; if you do I will rip out your tongue.” I said staring darkly at him, meaning even single syllable that came out of my chapped mouth. He swallowed slowly and then narrowed his eyes at me.
“Now listen here, Sage! I know you are going through rough times but it does NOT mean you get to be a grade A ***** to everyone, who wants to see you be okay again! People who you just wants to know that you’re okay! We try being nice and understanding, because we know that you lost your sister the way you did–” I winced when he stated this.
“But Sage girl it has been two months, and you have even cried since that night! you need to let it out otherwise you’re going to have a fucking level 5 break down out of no where and there is no telling what you would do if you were alone!!! So please for fucking christ sake! Cry, yell, be sad! Do anything you want but bottle up those feelings of yours!!! Okay?” he sighed frustratedly at me.
I felt my temper begin to boil out of control again; how dare he? Him nor anyone else knew what I was going through at all! And how dare he even think for a second that he had any right to talk to me like that?
‘teach him a lesson!’ a very angry voice in my head shouted at me.
‘how?’ I asked in reply.
‘Show him that he can’t step on us! Show him that WE are the one with power’ the voice growled powerfully. I shook my head and dug my nails into my palm, to get the angry thoughts out of my head. It slowly began to work after a while.
“Sage? Are you okay? I felt his hand reach out to touch me; but I snapped my eyes open and grounded out the words through my teeth.
“Don’t. Touch. Me!” he automatically flinched back, like I slapped him in the face with each word. I sighed as i looked at his ever so sad expression.
“I’m sorry that tone was uncalled for…” I said giving him apologetic smile.
‘Why are you apologizing to this lowly mutt?’ the voice screamed from inside my head making me flinch.
‘Because he is one of my best friends!’ I said back in low growling voice, that just so happen to shut the angry and annoying voice right up.
“It’s fine I know you’re going through a lot right now Sage girl; but i want you to know that I’m always here to talk to, okay?” He claimed frimley.
“I know.” I smiled at him and awkwardly patted him shoulder.
“So you ready to head back to school Sage girl?” he clapped his hands and rubbed them excitedly together.
“Hell to the no!” I said gagging at the thought of return to that awful place so soon.
“Oh come on Sage! Put on your big girl panties and suck it up because guess what? YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. SCHOOL!!” he said with a hint of mockery in his alto voice.
“Please? Please dont make me go!” I begged pulling on his arm gently; I even pulled out a kicked puppy dog face too.
“Sorry Sage girl, but nice try on the puppy dog face.” I huffed loudly and crossed my arms against my chest like a child throwing a fit.
“I don’t like you no more.” He stopped and looked at me to see if I was at all serious, but when he saw I wasn’t he relaxed and put the key in the ignition, starting up the sad excuse for a working truck. I smiled sometimes Derek was way too serious.
Ten Minutes Later
When we finally arrived at the brown-stoned school building that had instead of clear windows, dusty yellow ones that haven’t been washed since the beginning of time. The walls that seemed to stretch forever in the sky, was covered in lush green ivy vines that shook with the breeze. The doric styled building towered over the limp willow trees that also swayed in the frigged wind. The mist and gray-blue sky mashed together and blended in with the old and gray stone roof. I looked at the school and the sudden flash of the last few months repeated in my mind.
The funeral with the sobbing friends and family. The weather seemed to cry with everyone that day; It screamed and cried for the loss of a best friend, sister, and daughter. After that day my father spent trying to slowly drinking himself to death as he blaming himself for my sisters death; the other long days and nights I have spent crying my eyes out, while muffling the sound with a pillow. The days when I crawled into my sister’s untouched room and cried for the fact that I didn’t do anything to help my baby sister when she needed me most. Sometimes I would go through the what-if’s as I laid down in her fluffy pink bed, that smelled of her favorite perfume – which consisted of mostly lavender- , her strawberry smelling shampoo and of mint.
My sister’s walls was bright pink with dark gray trimming; Her walls were littered with photos, poems and even some song she had written. Her name was spelled out with glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling; surrounding the name “Alex” giant photos of her friends took up most of the ceiling. I started to cry again as I pictured her smiling and laughing. I remembered, then a few days after a voice started speaking to me in my head.
To tell you all that everything is gonna be alright.
Ive been so far down. Came to this site once. Got a little back up again after talking to likeminded people. Fell right back down. Ive cut, I loaded my ex-boyfriends gun and held it to my head. Ive cried for days. Stopped eating for days. I have scars up my arm.
But today I’m free. And you will be to if you just hold on. I know that each and everyone of you in here are here because you have something holding you in this life. It is some reason you have deep inside that is telling you to live. Screaming, but you barely hear it, or you dont at all. Because the depression sadly speaks louder than your heart does.
Stop for one moment. Find something positive in your life. Anything. Did someone smile at you today? Or did you see a cute animal? Did you hear a funny joke, listen to a nice song?Â Maybe these words made you just a little bit happy?Sometimes you have to look for the small things, because thats where you need to start – small. Believe me, I know.Â
But dont give up, please dont. You might be the person discovering a cure for cancer, or aids, or something really big, and the world cant afford to loose you, do you hear me?
Never give up <3
So basically this is my first post and itâ€™s going to be shitty sorry.
â€¦buuut yeah, my name is Brianna and honestly, I donâ€™t want to be living here on this bullshit planet any longer. Iâ€™m tired of getting judged by the music IÂ listento, the clothes I wear, what I look like the next day, and so forth. My life to me is honestly completely useless. I wake up everyday feeling like a mistake, and that I shouldâ€™ve never been born. Iâ€™ve been called names like slut, emo, ****, *****, and been told that no one likes me, Iâ€™m depressed all the time, I complain too much, and bunches of shit like that. To me, it would be such a great adventure to just die. I honestly donâ€™t see the point in me living anymore. Iâ€™ve lost nearly all of my friends to me being sad and depressed. My parents make me feel like everything is my fault, and that I basically canâ€™t do anything right. Iâ€™ll be having a good day atÂ school, then come home and my grandmother asks me to do something. If I donâ€™t do it specifically how she asks, she yells at me, when I didnâ€™t do it â€œher wayâ€. Every weekday I get off the bus, into our car, and she asks me â€œHello Brianna, how was school todayâ€, very rarely do I ever tell her what really goes on at school. I always lie to her face and say everything is â€œfineâ€ or â€œokayâ€. Â I get picked on, I get pushed around, bullied, tripped, my hair gets pulled, and so much more. I have lots of friends, but to me itâ€™s just like Iâ€™m not even there. The other day i was in gym class, we walk/jog around each time before our lesson. I was walking with my friends, talking to them and all of the sudden, this girl comes up and butts me out of my group. Thatâ€™s when it really kicked in.
That no one would notice if I never showed up for school. No one would notice if I didnâ€™t show up in the hallway, and believe me, that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.
I continued walking, but this time, by myself. The entire time, not one of my friends came up to ask me if I was alright. Later on that day, my English teacher saw me walking in from my 3rd block(since I have her during 4th block). During my 3rd block that day, I was yelled at by my Pre-AP Science teacher(what else is new, I get yelled at by her everyday). Anyway, my English teacher saw my face, and it was like an angel sent from heaven, she asked if I was okay. I said no, but she instantly said â€œOh Iâ€™m sorry about that Briannaâ€. Yeah, me too. Tears welled up in my eyes, coming from the shit day I was having. I usually get into my 4th block earlier than the guy that sits behind me. He walks in and literally pushes my books all over the floor, and is laughing. My tears were threatening to spill from my eyes, but I said nothing.
People look at me as a role model, a great friend, a beautiful girl with high ambitions in life, but me? I look at myself asÂ completeÂ shit. I canâ€™t help it. I compliment people everyday, because I love to see a smile on someoneâ€™s face. Every time I give someone a compliment, I come home to these awful hate messages left in my kik. Itâ€™s seriously so awful, and Iâ€™m really sensitive to stuff like that.
But thereâ€™s this guy, I know I know, it sounds really corny, but I seriously like him a lot. He is so sweet, and a really great friend, and weâ€™ve started talking a whole lot more lately than we used to. I know this might sound crazy, but heâ€™s honestly the only person I look forward to seeing at school besides my greatest friend in the whole wide world. He makes me so happy, and has told me that Iâ€™m a really great friend. I explained to him just a few days ago that sometimes I get really sad and stuff, and do things to myself that I regret, but he doesnâ€™t understand. He has the perfect life, whereas Iâ€™m just a girl who cries basically all the time and obsesses over bands and photography.
I guess thatâ€™s all I really have to say tonight.. I need a place to vent anonymously, so I guess this should be the place? I guess itâ€™ll be a journal type thing too, now that would be a great idea for me.
Thanks so much for reading, if you even read it all aha! Advice and things like that is welcome, I appreciate everyone that took the time to listen to me vent, hopefully Iâ€™ll try to make this a daily thing.
Just remember, if youâ€™re going through a rough period right now(kinda like i am) feel free to talk to me, vent, anything you need to do. Iâ€™m here for anyone.<3
todays gonna be a good day. listening to the Bears v Packers game on R5SX. (can’t watch it in scotland) with my bowl of Lucky charms! which I havn’t had since I was THREE D:
and hopefully I’ll be talking to my friend jake (: he always seems to cheer me up.
advice to all of you. suck up the good moments like a spounge to water.
how many time do I have to say it, before you’ll belive it to be true. how many times?
I’ll say it as many times as it takes.