Where do you find the strength to go through the day? Do you work/go to school, clean your house, walk your dog and so on? Over the last 2 years I have been running between school and work and just 2 weeks ago I all the sudden decided to not get out of bed. I called my boss that I had enough and got one week of sick leave. I quit school and now I’m just lying here feeling beaten to death. I have been depressed since my teen years and thought it couldn’t get worse. But that was nothing compared to this. No strength left and I have no idea how to get through this. I feel a tremendous guilt for everything and the worst is when ppl are actually trying to help me and I feel that I am wasting other’s time. The guilt that I have everything anyone could wish for and here I am lying in my bed wishing to have never existed. My chest is aching and I am aware of every beat of my heart imagining it’s struggling in the black evil mass that’s inside of me.
There is so much pain and suffering and so little happiness. It’s said that we are all responsible for our own happiness, but it’s so exhausting to get up and get out of the house.
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That black evil mass inside of you! That is possible. There is a evilness in all of us, but some worse than others and I’m sure there are people who have none. (lucky them) I read a book called “Wetiko, dispelling the curse of evil, Paul Levy” in which he describes this evil mass and how to confront it. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone.
I can kind of relate. I recently had a break down and had to leave my job so I could try and get my self right. Still not there yet. If I look at my life from the prospective of someone else I think, why in the world would you want to take your life!?!? I have everything at my disposal to have a happy life yet I’m unhappy. I recently tried to take my life but now I’m trying to turn things around. Got a new job, seeing a dr. about my depression. Just taking it one day at a time. Wish I could turn off the voice in my head that says all the negative things about me.
Like I said, I can relate and what has helped me is talking to people. I’ve received a lot of support on here. Also when I first went into my dive, to help get myself out of bed I starting setting a goal each day. They were small goals such as just doing laundry or cleaning a room in my house. Those goals finally worked up to seeking professional help and applying for a new job. Don’t know if that helps you but I do wish you well!
I spent all my life in school and work and somehow made it through with great grades. Once school and unemployment hit, I went fucking INSANE. I’m type of person who needs something to do or my depression exacerbates because if I don’t keep my mind busy or my skills juggling then I might as well be a dead man–which is why I’ve more suicidal than usual.
But I definitely can relate to the guilt you feel when you’re lying in bed all day doing nothing when you know you should be doing something.
Surprisingly, I actually like school because it keeps me focused off of …ME.
If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to talk to me. I worked and got a bachelors and masters.
Too bad I now have nothing to show for it. Job hunting has been a ***** and I’ve had to move back home.
I don’t know if you’re like me, but I’m more out going than most depressed people (considering I’m bipolar). I have my anti-social moments, but I like to sing, DRINK, dance, bar-hop, meet new, flirt, etc.
I’ve been depressed all my life and for some strange reason I KNEW it was going to worse. I told my told myself, if I wasn’t happier by 25, then I would kill myself…..well I’m 25. What do I do?
this pretty much happened to me. I used to be “always on” like that, always running, working, trying, push push push, get through to the thing you’re determined to reach…
it had worn me down and taken its toll, and then some other bullshit got thrown into the mix…
and then one day i realized: “i just can’t do this anymore.” None of my efforts were going to achieve any of what i wanted, i couldn’t sustain them anymore, and i lost about 80% of my desire to do anything at all, including anything i actually wanted to do.
and then it took me a long time to figure out that there’s nothing left for me to want, because there’s no way for me to reach any of it.
I will never have anything to offer, because i cannot get anything to offer. I can’t even get what i want just for myself. I have nothing left to give *me.* And so i cannot possibly offer anyone anything. And that means i’ll only have the option to exist bitter and alone, in miserable agony, with striving in futility as the price of survival, to sustain a life i do not want, which never was or will be anything worth sustaining… if i even could sustain it… which i no longer even want to do.
I would only want to try if things could actually be different… but they won’t, because it’s too late.
This is me too. I have no left my job but I have felt all the other things. I think daily about just driving off a bridge. I won’t stop work because we need income. I don’t want my family to lose their way of life but all I am is an ATM. I’m worth more dead then alive. I don’t want to hurt them just help us both. My insurance would meet their needs and more and I could finally rest. My daughter even told me people who lose a parent get more attention at school. My husband has no time for me. I am the maid. At least death would give us all what we wanted.