I was just wondering what people’s thoughts are on having depression and a partner’s appropriate response to it? I get that different people have difference experiences, backgrounds, beliefs etc….
But a recurring theme in my life at the moment is that when someone gets low, or diagnosed, or suicidal, their partner ups and leaves without a word. The only explanation they give is because they cant handle the situation. This happened to me after two weeks of me telling him I was suicidal; it took him only that long to run. A similar thing happened to my sister.
Anyhow, I was just wondering about whether people think the thing to do is for them to stay and support you through things or if the norm is to run away? I’ve tried asking people on relationship forums, but I feel like they miss the point a little… They all said ‘no guy could put up with you like that’ and that I was ‘mentally disturbed’, which is I feel is definitely way off the mark. My friends and family all say partners should love and support you no matter what.
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I agree with your friends. If you love someone then they should stick with you through it. Unless you are saying mean things to them or treating them like dirt just because you are depressed then yeah I would leave too. I have been suicidal for years and my ex wife knew that. She still went out and cheated every chance she got. But no if your partner leaves you because you are suicidal then they not only do not love you but they are using it as a reason to leave cause they probably found someone else.
It’s a complex subject and I can only speak from my own experiences, but I don’t blame them for running. I say this because in my case it is truly hopeless, and I think when people realize that there’s no solution to a problem–not that it’s hard to solve but literally that there is *no solution* like trying to calculate the value of pi to the last decimal–then the only logical thing to do is to stop wasting your time.
In my case I’ve made it clear to every girlfriend that my life will end in suicide and it could happen at any minute. At first they all assume that my words are a plea for help, and they take on the challenge of fixing me. At this point the novelty, for both of us, inspires a bit of hope for change. But as time passes we both realize that there is no fix for this problem. I continue to remind them, usually calmly but sometimes not so, that my life will end in suicide. Eventually they accept it and move on or find some excuse to move on.
To me, the ideal partner would be one who does not want to fix me, change me or stop me from killing myself. The ideal partner would be someone who accepts it and sees death as the celebration that I do. I highly doubt I’ll ever meet anyone like that because those people are already dead & in the ground, or soon to be, with no interest in adding new temporary attachments to their lives.
So basically what I’m saying is that the notion of a suicidal person having a “love interest” that works for both parties is a theoretical impossibility. But still we try. The dumbasses that we are, we try.
There is no appropriate response. everyone will choose differently what it comes down to is how much your partner really loves you.
If they wanted to be there for you they would but there not under obligation.
People fear what they don’t understand and the first thing they do is run away it might be “morally” wrong but that’s it. the people on the forum were telling you the truth even though it hurts but its not all guys, it’s MOST guys because they can’t handle all that “Emotional” stuff. Sad but true.
I think I just find it difficult to understand as we were best friends for seven years and then had a really close relationship for a year, in which he was far more interested in us and the future etc than I was for a long time. It took him only two weeks of me saying I felt low and was considering suicide to run away, and now he’s cut me out completely.
You’d think people would be more open to giving you a chance to get your sh*t together before running for the hills
If there is love between them, they will stay. Then it no longer remains a question of should or shouldn’t. I don’t understand what kind of a partnr they are if they don’t help you in your lows. Its like leaving someone whenever he gets cough or fever. I don’t know, maybe real things are vanishing from world.
If a person really loves and cares for their significant other they should be willing to stay through it all and help them in some way. there are treatments available that really do help and also just having somebody to talk to about it and be there for you is another big factor that could help tun things around. A person who really cares would stay as long as possible and try ad help.
Same thing happened to me. He said he would be there. He said he wouldn’t leave, that he would talk me down. Nope. The one and only tine I actually needed someone to talk to, he ran off. We were talking on facebook, and I started saying I was sorry for existing, and sorry for what I was about to do, and how scared I was because a little part of me wasn’t ok with it. He only said “I’m not foing this” and blocked me. Turned off his phone, blocked me.
We all think they should stay. Its not something you can control, the depression, but sometimes you’re treated like you’re doing it on purpose. Personally, I think if they say they’re there for you, they should stay. More so if they promise to help. But I’m no expert on what’s supposed to be normal.
All I know is its never your fault if they are an asshole and run away like a coward. Its theirs, for not being brave enough to fight this with you
I think if someone truly loves you then they will be there for you especially at your lowest point. It’s easy to be there for someone when everything is great, you only realise who genuinely cares deeply for you when you are going through the bad times as that’s when you really need the support. It’s not an easy thing to deal with and not everyone can handle it, but depression is usually an on going thing so you need someone you can rely on.
sometimes the sad truth is that there are very few people you can really count on
People are scared to let themselves be vulnerable in the face of the possibility of a sudden emotional sting. It’s like changing your mind on taking a swim in the ocean when you see Man o’ War floating around. Not to say it’s right for people to do that, but black-and-white thinking is a hallmark of mental disorders, and a whole lot of people tend to display that sort of thinking these days.
I’ve been on both sides. I’ve dated a few people who have also been depressed and I myself have been depressed for many years.
I don’t think how long they stay can be measured by the amount of love they have. Staying is hard, both to stay on this earth and to stay with someone who hates themselves. When the people I love hurt themselves over and over and also turned to hurt me and I tried to hurt them right back it really turned into a mess. I think it really depends on the ways of communication that we have. I have been trying to become self aware of what my patterns are so that i can combat them and also so that I can make others aware of them. When i start being mean I know I’m being mean because I can’t be patient at that moment and i try to hold on to it even though i want to lash out really bad. I often go into the classic “your life would be better without me” rant but I haven’t done it in a while. I write it down and read it later instead of putting that on the person I’m in love with now. When partners would lash out in the past, I’d try to be patient and talk it through with them, explain how the language they used made me feel but if someone is not willing to communicate or if we both have different ways to communicate and different capacities with which to negotiate boundaries it’s not gonna work.
And so I ended up leaving and I’m sure a lot of it had to do with the depression and both or either of us being unable at that point to acknowledge the pain we caused both intentionally and unintentionally, and being unable to forgive each other. There is point when things are too broken and even though it hurts to be without them and maybe it still hurts, you leave because you wanna end the cycle of hurting each other. That’s my experience, not sure what happened in your relationship(s) but the heart is both fragile and sturdy. I still ache from the past but trying really hard to learn to love again.