It’s been 33 days since I decided I was going to take my own life.
On the first of April my beautiful princess died at age just 6months. This was the day I decided I was going to leave this evil world too.
This situation has been tragic due to the fact it was so sudden. There was nothing wrong with her, I put her to sleep, went to do some chores and came back to find her cold and blue, she was gone.
In the time I’ve had to spend without her, I have turned to the use of cocaine, I usually smoke weed but that hasn’t been enough. I have a daily cocktail of a few lines, a couple spliffs, atleast 2 bottles of wine and prescribed diazepam. The tablets are only 2mg so basically useless, I take atleast 4 at one time to get any sort of effect.
Her father has left me too. I guess I’m a coward, I am firmly certain about my decision I’m just stuck as to how to go about it. I feel pathetic, I just don’t understand how I can be so sure yet I can’t jump, I can’t hang, I can’t cut. I’ve been inches away from doing all those things, when I got on the roof I just sat there crying because I couldn’t do it I want to be with her so bad but I just couldn’t throw myself off. When I set evertging up for the hanging I was absolutely wasted in the hopes I wouldn’t have to kick the chair away maybe I would just stumble off, but still I was concious enough to know what was going on and could not go through with it. And as for trying to cut my throat well as you may of gathered I’m too much of a pussywhole to manage that.
I guess I’m looking for some insight, encouragement, relation to my situation honestly I have no fucking idea. I wish there was some kind of realistic option you know, I quite like the idea of ******** but it just seems so elusive as I am a uk cirisen and it’s 2014.
All I know now is that I have all the time in the world to search the perfect method and all my time will now be dedicated to this.
6 comments
I understand as I’ve lost my baby too. There is nothing to bring her back and I blame myself for letting it happen.
Maybe starvation? it is more just to distract yourself from cravings but it probably suits you to try
Starvation I thought about even went 4days without eating but I was drinking so it defeated the object and in the long run starvation is not peaceful. Not that I deserve peaceful, I deserve to have my throat slit for not being there for my baby, I have no idea what happened to her and for tgat I blame myself. But because I am a coward that is what I am searching for, the easy pussywhole way out of this unfair hell whole.
Hey, please hang in there. That part of you that is saying you don’t want to die: listen to it, if you can. There is a reason you were put on this planet, even if you don’t know what it is yet. I have to keep telling myself this even though I feel incredibly terrible. While I may not have dealt with the death of my child, I have experienced a lot of trauma and I just want you to know that no matter how bad it seems, you can always get through this. There are two reasons why I believe this: 1) A very close friend of mine was addicted to heroin for 9 years, and he got off of it. And is alive. And even happy (not always, but mostly). 2) My sister had a miscarriage with her abusive boyfriend and she got through it. She tried to commit suicide multiple times, and she is okay now, too.
My point is not to show you examples that you can’t compare yourself to–my point is to tell you that maybe, just maybe, something inside of you is telling you that you have something to offer this earth and…maybe that’s why you haven’t been able to do it. I am not trying to preach: it’s just much easier to see what might be happening in someone else’s situation than your own.
I am so sorry for your loss. First off, I cannot relate as I have never lost a child, but I cannot imagine. I know that for me, there would be nothing worse. I have two children that I love more than life itself, so I can understand why you would want to die. Second, it is not your fault, sudden infant death syndrome is unexplainable and tragic and unpreventable. I am sure she is waiting for you, I am sure that one day or 50 years is all relative where she is, like the blink of an eye. If I had an easy answer I would give it to you, but suicide requires an override of our basic instinct to survive. You are not a coward, neither choosing to live nor death is cowardice, it is difficult either way. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, if that means anything at all.
Hey smoke,
I know how you feel, i lost my daughter after just eight beautiful days with her. I couldn’t underwater why God, if there is one would give her to me and then just rip her from my arms.
And God forgive if someone said, i know how you feel. How? How can you know? Did your child get ripped away from you?
I was ready for that sweet release, anything that could make me stop feeling. It hurt so bad. It still hurts. She would have been 16 this year. I still have days that the grief consumes me. I think about what would have been.
I never wanted to have another child. And when people would tell me to have children it disgusted me. It felt like they were talking about a puppy, you can just replace her. NO DAMNIT YOU CAN’T, I CAN’T!
I now have two boys and i can’t imagine life without them.
Just hang on sweetheart, if you need someone, contact me. I understand its the worst pain. And no partent should have to bury their child. But it does get better love, i promise!