Tonight I found myself driving my brother home because my uncle had made a statement implying that we’re both wasters living off the state. My brother was seething with anger and rejected the notion but for me it’s put things into perspective. All my life I’ve made excuses for myself and thought that I should be judged less harshly because I have a learning disability and suffer from anxiety and depression. I thought my family should love me no matter what. But now I realise the world doesn’t give a fuck about my problems, my weaknesses, or the bad cards it’s dealt.  I can’t afford to pretend that people are good and will make allowances for me because of what I’ve been through or the way I was born stupid. All my sensitivities and concerns (racism, prejudice, discrimination, hardship etc) are nothing to the world. The world only gives a shit about what you can give to it and if I’m a loser it’s up to me to make my life worthwhile – I can’t expect others to support me when I shun all responsibility for myself.
I went to McDonalds on the way back home and it made me realise there’s a world out there. There are people working shitty jobs in fast food restaurants like this and there are people dying in the hospital opposite. And I became incredibly envious of everybody who’s doing anything with others, because a life of non-existence is worse than dying beside people who care. I don’t want to die as a non-entity. I do think life is for the living, and there’s no point living unless you can have friends, start a family, and do a job that pays reasonably well, but I don’t know yet whether those things are possible for me. If I knew 100% that these things were out of reach I would’ve committed suicide on the way back home (off the flats beside my granda’s old house) but how do you ever know?
I know much of my world wants me dead and the players who should care wouldn’t miss me if I died today, but I’m tempted to start over in a new place, away from this broken family and if I don’t make it THEN i’ll top myself. I’ll probably not get anywhere but at least I’ll have lived. Something might happen next week that causes me to say “ah fuck it” and just end it but at least now I feel alive enough to try… to start taking medication and start looking after myself again. The world is fucking cruel place but it only gets better when you do something about it.
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I don’t really have friends, so I make my own in my own twisted mind. I’m still a teenager, so at least I don’t have to worry about the whole starting-a-family thing yet. So I’m focusing on getting into college where I’ll have a new group of people to deal with. That’s something else that keeps me going. To get away from here to somewhere else that just might be a little better and get me to where I need to be.