Still here :)

It makes me sad to think more than a year ago I wrote my suicide note. I’ve been looking through my old diaries and posts and realised something,i’ve never really been happy in life. Even my diaries from my childhood I was writing about how sad I was. This past year has taught me a lot about myself and the world. I guess I never really had a chance in llife to start with. I grew up with a mother who constantly lies,use to be in a mental home and is horrible.  MY dad is the only person I can rely on for the truth,but now i’m starting to doubt things. I’ve always been the person there for everyone. My friend was telling me how he used to cut and was really depressed, I wanted to comfort him and tell him I was aswell,but even thinking about it bring me to a really dark place in my life. MY grades are dropping and i’m starting to just not care. I don’t like it but I cant doo anything about it.. People compliment me but I can’t bbellieve them,they think its for attention buut its really not. I use to get told everyday I was ugly and to kill myself everyday for months online by people who were anymous, I keep trying to find places on my boody to cut where no one will see,but with summer coming up…any ideas? I don’t want someone to come and save me,i want someone to be there to guide me as I save myself. EVery time I think I found someone who I can love they turn out to be a ******* . I kissed someone a few days after breaking up with my boyfriend,it really hurt him, he’s so angry and upset, there’s nothing I can do,i feel so bad but I cant take it back or explain to him anymore than I have. I’ve changed,alot. Not really sure how,but when I look in the mirror I don’t recognise myself,my heart is broken and is searching for any kind of love it can get. Me and my mum don’t get on well,she favourites my brother because hes too blind to see the mentally unstable woman she really is. I keep doing things,weird things,i think I might be slowly going crazy. I want to end my life,to just end iit all,get it oout the way. But im too scared of what will happen. Is that the end, is that it?
THis  year didn’t get of to a good start either,no one knows,but on new years I was home alone before my friends came to get me,i took some pills with a shot to down it,my friends came and I took some more and went out,i kept drinking throughout the night,my insides felt cold and I was in si much pain,I thought this might be the end,i hoped it would be. I hoped to wake up in a hospital bed a few weeks/months later and just forget it all.
BUt i”m still here 🙂