Though no one that knows me will ever see this, I felt it necessary to write these last words. I don’t know why.
Tonight, it will end. Thirty-one years was too long to stay alive. My mother should have aborted me instead of abandoning me at the hospital. I wish I hadn’t thrown up the pills when I was ten. I wish the gun hadn’t misfired when I was fourteen. I wish I would’ve jumped off the bridge on my eighteenth birthday, instead of losing courage. I was told to hold on and be strong as a child. As a teenager, I was told my twenties would be better. I was always told things would get better. Instead of attempting) at twenty, I began to numb myself with drugs and alcohol but it didn’t last. Eventually the depression and anxiety won. And now I am 31. Almost half my lifespan is over and I have nothing. I can’t get a job and when I do, I can’t keep it. I will be homeless in three weeks. Homeless for the fifth time in my life. No more. I am tired.of.hoping things will get better. Hope is torture. I am tired of trying to make things better with no result. Failure is constant. I am tired of being alone.I am tired of being unloved. Of having never been loved or even kissed. Thirty-one years is too long.
Those that know me will miss me. I will leave them in pain. I know this. And I am sorry. More than they know. But I hope they will understand. Hope. There it is again.
Not long now. Soon, nothingness.
9 comments
Phil, that you? Are you looking for love, or what? Haha. I can get like about 6 bills a month for us. Is that decent enough for us to sustain? And try to party on.
Best wishes, deaddog 83.
Sorry about what you had to go through bro…I guess we all have our own tales of misery and knew we were better off to have been aborted/never been born.
It is a very sad thing to see what life could’ve been. I think of all the beautiful girls I wish I could’ve dated, but can’t because I’m stuck in a fucking office trying to make a living…being a slave to old men who are getting rich off my labor.
Not to mention the missed opportunities in life. This suicidal thinking on the one is comforting, knowing one day I will end it but disastrous on the other because it wreaks havoc on my emotions, self-esteem and the whole ‘getting on with life’ thing.
I can’t believe the shit I talked myself into to still be here today-the silly pep talks, the self-deluded reasoning that I want to life. No at the time I really didn’t want to live (I had hit rock bottom-my version of it), but it was sensible to get out of that situation before deciding to end things. Anyways, something obviously I have to sort out for myself.
There’s still something I want to do in life but I feel I’m getting closer to the same place you are. Homelessness is crap-and to be honest, it’d be the last straw for me also. You should at least consider staying with family or friends if possible.
It is rather sad that you have been pushed to make this desicion in life. I wish it did not have to be this way, but you have a right to your life and you know what you have to do and what fulfills your best interests.
I am sorry, but I wish you peace and luck in any choice you have made.
Remember, if you choose to stay, there are many here including me who would like to talk to you and understand you and hear what you have to say. I don’t know if that alone would help, but I am willing to do all in my power to help you and be here for you.
As for now, Goodbye.
I am so sorry for the suffering that you have had to endure in this life. I am 32. I have suffered with chronic social thoughts and obsessive planning for the last 21 years. I believe we all have the right to decide when enough is enough. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to prevent from transferring the years of suffering onto the people who we loved and who have loved us. I feel the pain in your words as you make this difficult decision and I for one know you do not choose to leave that suffering for your loved ones to bear without deep thought and compassion towards them. I do not believe you are selfish. I feel deeply for you and do hope you reconsider but more than anything I just wish you PEACE. Peace in life after today or peace in the next world. You deserve it. I am here. If you want to talk this out more just comment back. We are here. You are not alone in this.
Suicidal thoughts.. Not social. Darn autocorrect.
Well, I wish you would not, hear I am at age 14 trying to talk to a 31 year old about life, and I know that I cave no place hear but. I don’t need one to tell that you are worth a life, it sucks, but finding something worth living for is not very had once you realize that it is life itself, it’s a wonder why we are even hear, why something happend to create us and how we are all living and breathing right now. I know that any person with a life is worth it. I guess I really can’t say much seeing that I’m thinking of following in your footsteps, sorry for my spelling
And best of luck deaddog83
Hope is torture, indeed.
I’m sorry about what you’re going through, life is hard and a belief that it’ll get better doesn’t always mean it will; if you can hold on then please try, people on this site will always lend an ear to your troubles, you are not alone, if you can’t hold on then I hope the best for you.