He left with her; ten years younger than I. How the hell can I compete? He is so beautiful to look at I want to stab a knife in my stomach and rip all the guts out by turning. I can’t have what I want. I want him. He wants her: story of my life. I saw them leave together. So I ended up drunk at some house party where I made a fool of myself and let some dumb dog chew my hands and arms to bits. I feel nothing. It felt so good at the time to let the dog chew and chew (saved me the effort self harm takes).
I am old (30) and stupid. Drunk much of the time and chain smoking. I am so gross in my moldy, empty apartment all alone. I get attention from men. I am decently pretty. They find me somewhat interesting because I can be funny and I’m real fucked up. None of them want anything substantial with me. None of them.
I want to slit my wrists so bad. I have so many razors via my major (art). Oh and my belligerent self went on and on about how brilliant of an artist I am and how famous I’m going to be. I hate being a narcissist. I am a fool. A talentless drunken fool. I deserve to die.
I want to cut so bad. I can’t stay sober; I can’t stay away from men that cause me pain. What a shit life I have carved for myself when all I really want is to carve the heart right out of my chest. I’m not going crazy; I’m already there.
2 comments
30? You’re still young! If this dude is leaving you for someone else then it’s probably for the best, you don’t need someone like that in your life. Hope you feel better!
I can relate. Email me if you want to talk.
I’m 37