I don’t know why I have to have depression. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to sit up every night crying about not being loved and cared for by people that truly mean so much to me. To be up all night wishing I was better. Nicer. Prettier. Skinnier. Smarter. Funnier. I don’t think it’s fair for me to want to die. I’m not perfect. I’ve messed up more times then I could ever remember. But was really so bad that now I have to live like this for the rest of my life? I’ve been trying everything to become happy. I want to be happy. I just don’t know how. Every time I some what start to become happy, It all just blows up in my face. What did I do? Where did I go wrong? It’s really just not fair.
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I wish I had those answers as well. If I did, I’d share them with everyone here.
Life just seems like a sick joke and everyday I put my mask on and face it but I’m nothing more than a husk of flesh and bone compared to the people around me.
Every time something positive comes into my life, I attempt to hold on to it so tight that I crush it to death.
Depression has a way of sucking so much out of us that we frantically grasp at anything to pull us up (at least the times we even attempt to try). Afraid of being pulled down, the gap between us and the world widens and only reinforces our beliefs of inadequacy and that we’re undeserving of the good things in the world. Because of that, we must be everything that is vile and repugnant and our self-image is as such.
At least that’s how I see it. I can’t seem to figure out how to pull myself up though. I seem to need the strength of knowing someone loves me to find that strength in me. Of course I then drive them away. It’s very defeating…
Is it like that for you too? How have you messed up so badly that you have to live like this for the rest of your life?