I feel as if I am a defective person; mere trash that the common person uses for their own purpose then tosses away, like yesterdays newspaper. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. (Who hasn’t, right?) But I’ve had an extremely hard time making friends. (I am in my forties, so this isn’t a new thing.) My family is either ultra-religious & I am a heathen who doesn’t follow their God-fearing ways…so they outcast me. Also, my sibling has children and grandchildren now, too…but those are his only family. just his immediate…no sisters, parents, cousins, NOTHING…just his own tight knit unit he gets to control. (He can’t control me, so I am not “family”.) Next my sister’s children are young adults and have stolen from everyone. I’ve had cash….to the tune of about $1000.00 stolen, my narcotic pain meds which i had a script from the doctor for chronic pain issues and basically jewelry, designer bags, you name it…i lump it all & call it cash and everything they/she could convert to cash. She was my last “family”….and as of Wednesday it all fell apart and i see she only came to “help” me so she could steal from me. my parents have both died along with all my one sister & aunts and uncles. Everyone is out of state…except the two thieves. Who i now have call blocked…but really unsure why i keep a phone at all. NO ONE calls me. I have tried therapy, meds, you name it…i have done it all and been trying for almost 20 years non-stop. when do i say this is enough? b/c today, i really do think i have had enough and want to go away. there are a hundred other things coming down on me that i cant deal with alone & no one to help me. i wont ask for help b/c i always get used in the end…and at this point, who would help me anyway? i dont think i even want to leave a suicide note….just a tiny sticky note that says “Are you happy now?” b/c in life I sure as heck made no one happy, so maybe this is a way for (mainly) ME to be HAPPY…and “them” (everyone who treats me like Shit under their shoes, to escape the horrible-ness of ever having known me.) You know what I mean? Like…outta sight, out of mind. POOF! I am gone and never existed. I dont even know if this makes sense. I hurt so bad over so many things…i dont even think i am making sense. Thanks to anyone who read this to the end! PEACE! i’ll try to be more clear if i post again. sorry i suck!!!!
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Iknow how you feel, it’s really hard no to fit but you need to know that that doesn’t mean you’re not a nice person. For what you’ve written i think you might be an interesting and kind person, you just need to hold on a bit more, try to meet new people and be self confident, sooner or later you’ll meet somebody who can apreciate the kind of person you are 🙂
Thanks, PerfectDay…i am fairly sure i understand what you mean, but this cycle of having fairly decent people, then losing them…ALL of them virtually at once, leaves me extremely sad, alone and wanting to die! My dad is the only one that cared about me and he died last year. Now there are huge fusses over the estate, meantime the one relative i thought i could depend on, flat out lied…so she could come steal cash and narcotic pain meds,her brother is a theif to, currently on probabtion. Neither young adult is welcome at my home anymore. both my parents deceased. sister deceaded, leaving only brother and his family…only my brother doesnt consider me family…he considers only his kids and grandkids and of course his ***** wife family. His wife family gets to be family too. they do things, celebrate and NEVER invite me…how could asking one more person to your current celebration of 20+ really “reck,ruin” your good time? my s-i-l hates me. I wish she’d die sometimes! but she wont, so i feel it is me that must die to stop my pain….both emotional and chronic physical pain. i am on ssdi now. had a great job, had been there 25 years. Did excellent work, but i dont have that to draw value from. Lost ALL “friends” from work once i left. do to depression and uncontrolled chronic pain, i cant even get out to meet others,now even know how to go about it at this age. i feel useless and used by my family and ignored and insignificant by others. i cant change others, only me …and the change i want for me is to make the hurt go away. i cant take this!!!!! i know it wont hurt anyone when i am gone. i am no looking to hurt them as i know it isnt an option….but taking my pain away certainly is. i keep researching different methods. surely one has to click soon…and i have an advantage…i live alone..just a cat and i cat set her out plenty of food, water and treats. no on will miss me for ages, so at least i have no worries of being walking in on or someone trying to stop me. i am home free, once i figure out my plan. two areas i am looking into. something has to give soon! i’ll figure out my best exit. i currently carry so much anger, it needs to end soon…but i am such a chicken…who knows. i’ve wanted to die for about 35-40 years now…since i was very young. thank you PerfectDay for at least offering me the common curteousy of a reply. it does mean something to me.