Hi, I’m new here so I’m not entirely sure how all this posting works but I thought I should start off explaining how I’m feeling and how I’ve been feeling for a while now.
From the outside my life looks pretty damn great but actually living the way I do is unbearable.
This time 2 years ago I was self harming and contemplating suicide. I then went on to try and commit suicide last May, which obviously didn’t go according to plan but it did wind me up on 24 hr watch until august at which point my doctor and parents gave me permission to go to a festival, they said if I could go the weekend on my own without self harming or attempting to end my life they would consider taking me off 24 hr watch. So for that weekend I kept to my promise and did not self harm or try to kill myself..but I did get raped.
I was a virgin, I hadn’t even been kissed.
So I go to this festival where I get drunk, so drunk that I can’t function. To this day I’m almost certain I was drugged by the guy who brought me my drink. The next thing I can remember is the roof of a tent, a initial sharp pain and then me crying and him not stopping.
After this I changed. I don’t know why but I contacted old friends, I stopped trying to jump out in front if cars.
I started attending college that coming September Where I met my boyfriend and his friends. We had a great relationship and I had told him about my past and he understood and still loved me. Then this April him and his friend sexually abused me.
I can’t shake this one though, the first time I got raped I distracted my self and pushed what happened to the furtherest corner of my mind, I didn’t let myself believe that it had happened to me. But this one is destroying me, I don’t know if I can move on from this, everytime I close my eyes it’s what I see, everyday it swamps my brain and taints anything good that could ever happen to me.
The universe or karma or god, whoever is out their is clearly punishing me for something and I don’t want wait around for the next punishment.
i feel as though I don’t want to continue this life.
Those two things aren’t even the beginning of my problems.
2 comments
So what is healing without forgetting? Distractions? That’s what everyone seems to think it is but I don’t know.
God, I really just want to beat the utter shit out of all three people who abused you.
I can’t relate to what happened to you but I can tell you that you’re a strong person, definitely stronger than me. And you can survive this.
But if you want to talk to someone about it, I promise I’ll listen. I’m not much for socializing but I’m a great listener.